Ahh, parents...

Tropez

Quick update for anyone who may be interested...

I've managed to get hold of mum's bills for the past couple of months so I can see what's going where. Luckily, it seems the majority are being paid by direct debit, with just a couple being paid by cheque. I've asked my mother to arrange for direct debit payments for the other bills. I'm wondering whether the confusion over this electricity bill was related to the supplier-switching and the fact that she may have thought it was being paid by DD?

I've spoken to my cleaning lady and she says her agency offers a service which provides a cleaner who can also carry out a small shop for the basics each time. I'm going to present this idea to my mum the next time I pop over. It's about £12 per hour plus the cost of the items bought so that's fairly reasonable I think and I could probably afford to pay the £12ph myself. In the mean time, I'll pop some milk, bread and other odd bits and bobs down when I visit.

I also made some enquiries about getting mum a little bit more company. She used to regularly attend church but stopped after she moved several years back because the church was over the other side of the city. Well I have discovered that many of the people she used to talk to there run some sort of coffee morning a couple of times a week at the church hall so I am going to see about taking her there, possibly when I go to walk my dogs as there is a park nearby where I used to walk them and I can drive her to the coffee morning, drop her off, walk my dogs and come back to pick her up.

I have spoke to my partner and she actually said she wondered why I hadn't brought it up before and would be happy for my mother to move in. For now, we have decided to see how mum gets along with the few changes we're going to make but we have decided that every Sunday we'll invite mum over for a Sunday lunch as I always cook one for my partner anyway and mum can spend the afternoon with us and have some fun playing with the dogs.

My partner also told me she didn't want me to take the job I was offered so that's that problem sorted.

Savvy_Sue

Tropez wrote: »

I also made some enquiries about getting mum a little bit more company. She used to regularly attend church but stopped after she moved several years back because the church was over the other side of the city. Well I have discovered that many of the people she used to talk to there run some sort of coffee morning a couple of times a week at the church hall so I am going to see about taking her there, possibly when I go to walk my dogs as there is a park nearby where I used to walk them and I can drive her to the coffee morning, drop her off, walk my dogs and come back to pick her up.

You may also find, if she re-establishes contact with them, that there are people who would be willing to pick her up for this and other activities on a regular basis. Also the vicar / minister may be able to put her in touch with a similar church near her current home which might do some 'befriending' if they knew she was interested.

caitlyn22

I'm in a much more extreme situation in that my mum has a rare type of dementia but in every hurdle I encounter with it, I wish I had a time machine so that I could go back to when she was well and make better plans. It took us ages to get Power of Attorney and to actually convince companies - everyone from gas and electricity through to her bank and phone company - to let us represent her. In the early days of her condition (and I'm making no comparisons to your situation here because as I say, my mum has a very rare, very unfortunate condition) she got herself in to lots of debt and problems that we could have avoided, had we just had 'the conversation'.

Truth is it's a conversation none of us want to have but sadly, old age doesn't bring superpowers to any of us! We'll all rely on family and the advice I always give now is know what your loved ones want and don't shy away from difficult conversations for fear of offending or worrying.

My other advice would be to contact your local Age Concern (now Age UK) and your local adult services (part of local authority). Our area has a whole range of resources - financial help, be-friender schemes, support with shopping etc, as well as a good range of social events and activities.

Best of luck with it all.
x

mommame

Tropez just wanted to say hope you get it all sorted to everyones satisfaction and to say what a nice caring son you are and your partner sounds like a diamond.
Mommame

Gavin83

Tropez wrote: »

I do have to say though, I find this "anti-in-law" culture pretty ugly. I believe that it is important in a relationship to be understanding towards each others needs, desires and any family related issues that may arise. If my partner asked me if her mother could live with us then I personally wouldn't see it as a problem because it would obviously be important enough for my partner to ask in the first place. But of course, I would need my partner to be comfortable with my mother moving in should it occur.

Although they are not technically my in laws as we're not married, I do get on with my girlfriends parents, I think they're fab and I would consider them secondary parents. However I think theres a massive difference between this and living with them.

Frankly, I'd feel like I had to be careful what I said and what I did and I don't wish to feel like this in my own home. Similarly I think the parental instinct would kick in and they'd be constantly offering 'advice' or telling you what to do. Once again I wouldn't want to deal with this in my own house.

It's not just in laws, I'd apply the same to my own parents. I think having any parents move in with you is a bad idea.

However, I respect some people are more family focused than others and would put looking after a parent above all else. I just wouldn't agree with that view.