Ahh, parents...

Tropez

So today, I'm round my mum's for coffee and to take one of my dogs to see her as she doesn't get out of the house much and loves playing with my dogs. While I'm there she gets a phone call; now mum is a little hard of hearing and always struggles with accents so she gives permission for the woman to talk to me on her behalf.

Anyway, the person starts talking about an unpaid electric bill and so I ask my mum and she says she's never received any such bill. The woman I was speaking to on the phone was a bit persistent and to be honest a little unprofessional in the way she was conducting herself, so I instruct her to send out another bill and it will be paid immediately and as I am not in the habit of giving out financial information to people who call up, especially when there is no evidence of any such debt.

After twenty minutes trying to inform this woman that we will not conduct any business over the phone and instead she should send any requests for payment in writing, with this woman making numerous threatening demands and blabbering on about my credit record I managed to get through to her to send out another bill and if any admin charges were incurred I would pay them. Once she finally accepted this she then started trying to sell me various services, at this point I was a little annoyed.

So, once the phone call was over, I ask my mum to get me her electric bill so I can check the details over. She pulls out this enormous pile of letters and starts to go through them... I was a little taken back by her filing system and eventually spotted a letter on the coffee table with the electric company's logo and sure enough, it was this missing bill requesting the amount. I hopped online, paid the bill and then felt like a bit of numpty for arguing with the woman on the phone for twenty minutes. :rotfl:

Crisis averted, for now at least, but it has made me wonder a few things. Not too long ago my mum got herself into a rather confused state with gas companies, having switched supplier then switched back in a few weeks and was unable to remember doing it and this latest incident with the electric bill makes me wonder whether she should be living on her own - dad passed away ten years ago next year and the few friends she has have either passed on too, or moved away - she has a couple who take her shopping once a week but even then they have health problems and often are unable to take her, leaving me startled when I turn up for coffee to find she has no milk. Of course, I tell her to tell me when she needs something but well... she's stubborn and argues that I'm busy... I dunno... Her other friend lives over the other side of the city and they see each other maybe once a fortnight and that friend is about to go through a divorce (although not a messy one) but I think that might make things more difficult and given mum's absent mindedness at times I'm wondering whether it might be beneficial for her (and for me, because this causes me some stress) for her to move in with me.

But here's the thing - last week I was offered a new job that involves relocating to Europe. It's extra money in a country with a lower cost of living. I haven't accepted it yet as I have a month before I need to give an answer but I would be committed if I do - as they would be funding language courses, paying for relocation and other things. I've discussed the move with my partner and she hasn't given her agreement yet, although has said that it is something we do need to consider but I know that my mum wouldn't want to move.

Part of me thinks though that the extra money from this job isn't a necessity - I do fine as it is and currently live in a house of a good enough size that my mum could move in without any real problems. She could rent out her current place for a bit of extra income and have a lot of the burden taken off her with regards to bills. I can drive her to meet her friend more often, or her friend could come here and she'd have company throughout the day. She gets on well with my partner and as I mentioned, she adores my dogs, so perhaps I should make the offer for my mum to come here?

Obviously I'd have to discuss this with my partner too.

I don't really know why I'm writing all of this but perhaps someone has some advice for this situation?

LJM

it is hard isnt it my nan is 83 and recently lost her husband,had a heartattack and is actually realising now she is getting old. we as a family are pulling our weight and helping out i have dealt with some of her paperwork made phonecalls on her behalf. yet she is still a very independant woman, i dont think she would ever move in with any of her family or move as she is settled has her own routine. that aside if you think moving would be right for you discuss it with your partner and your mum,im sure she wouldnt want you to miss out on any opportunities in life.but imo on the other hand my nan wont be around forever so i couldnt move away from her as i would be constantly worrying that i had made the wrong decision. yet everyones situations are different only you can decide what is best.sorry for the ramble guess mine doesnt make much sense either. but please i will say one thing try to get her to sort her bills out or get some one to do it for her it is discusting how some people/companies try and swindle money and con others into buying things they do not need they do tend to prey on the elderly and those who maybe a bit of a soft touch,ive recently had experience of this through helping my nan

Chakani

The only thing I would say is, it can be very different, and much harder, living with your MIL than with your own mother, so you would have to be very sure that your partner was completely happy with the thought of your mum moving in before you mention anything to your mum. Especially since it could be an arrangement that impacts on all your lives for decades. I love my MIL to bits, but would be very reluctant to have her living here unless there was no other reasonable solution. I love to have her visit, but I would find it hard if she was here all the time. I think she would hate it too, as she would see it as losing her independence. I have no idea if your mum would feel the same.

Are there other ways to support your mum? Does your mum feel that she would like more support? If she would, what would she think about sheltered accommodation, where a warden could support her in addition to you and your partner, but she would maintain her own space and independence?

Tropez

LJM wrote: »

but please i will say one thing try to get her to sort her bills out or get some one to do it for her it is discusting how some people/companies try and swindle money and con others into buying things they do not need they do tend to prey on the elderly and those who maybe a bit of a soft touch,ive recently had experience of this through helping my nan

Absolutely. After the fiasco with repeatedly changing gas suppliers I told my mum to let me look at things before she signed anything, and got one of those warning posters put up outside her front door telling sales people to jog on. I guess it was my dad who had always sorted the bills and things when they were together and perhaps I should have made a better effort to make mum understand some things - but then I was 17 at the time dad died, what did I know?

The woman today was clearly reading from her script and sticking to it - to the point she was warning ME about MY credit record if MUM didn't pay the bill... While there was a debt to be paid, the tactics this woman employed in order to try and coerce payment were frankly vile and her lack of understanding about basic regulations when it came to telephone conversations and the right to request all exchanges take place in writing was shockingly lacking - she was just looking to bully my mum into paying up and then try and sell her a bunch of crap afterward. Any deviation from her script and she started again! :rotfl:

But yeah, I understand what you're saying about everything else. It is up to me and my partner to make such a decision. I shall have to mull it all over.

Tropez

Chakani wrote: »

The only thing I would say is, it can be very different, and much harder, living with your MIL than with your own mother, so you would have to be very sure that your partner was completely happy with the thought of your mum moving in before you mention anything to your mum. Especially since it could be an arrangement that impacts on all your lives for decades. I love my MIL to bits, but would be very reluctant to have her living here unless there was no other reasonable solution. I love to have her visit, but I would find it hard if she was here all the time. I think she would hate it too, as she would see it as losing her independence. I have no idea if your mum would feel the same.

Are there other ways to support your mum? Does your mum feel that she would like more support? If she would, what would she think about sheltered accommodation, where a warden could support her in addition to you and your partner, but she would maintain her own space and independence?

To be honest, while I know that it isn't necessarily the case, sheltered accomodation, residential homes and all of that are seen by people of my mum's era and background to be places where you put relatives before they die. As I say, I know this isn't the case with all of them (though I do believe some to be like that) but there it is. My mum wouldn't want to be anywhere near something like that.

I know that I shall have to discuss things with my partner and be sure which may or may not prove difficult. There's certain things that make me think it is viable, and others that are perhaps not as viable, but I just need to figure out what's best.

lilacclaire

Its highly likely your mum won't want to move in with you, thats more likely than your partner having any objections!

What you could do, is either you or your partner pop in every day or every second day to check she has milk/food etc.

I would then make an appointment at the doctors to get an assessment arranged for her 'forgetfulness', which she may get some help for.

My partners mother has people come in 4 times a day at half an hour at a time to make sure she has something to eat and has taken any medication she requires. She is now at a stage where she is unsure if she has eaten, usually I batch cook things so they only need to heat something up and she still gets a decent meal.

Good luck.

Tropez

lilacclaire wrote: »

Its highly likely your mum won't want to move in with you, thats more likely than your partner having any objections!

What you could do, is either you or your partner pop in every day or every second day to check she has milk/food etc.

I would then make an appointment at the doctors to get an assessment arranged for her 'forgetfulness', which she may get some help for.

My partners mother has people come in 4 times a day at half an hour at a time to make sure she has something to eat and has taken any medication she requires. She is now at a stage where she is unsure if she has eaten, usually I batch cook things so they only need to heat something up and she still gets a decent meal.

Good luck.

I'm not sure whether mum would be against the idea of moving in. Growing up, she used to have quite a busy household, with both her own kids and fostered kids. I was the last one to leave the roost and that wasn't a particularly long time ago. I think she does get lonely and would welcome the chance to be part of a "family home". The rest of our family no longer live in the area, except for one individual who isn't welcome in her home anymore, nor mine for that matter.

Her stubbornness that I mentioned isn't really due to a yearning to be independent but a desire to "not be a bother". She won't call me up when she needs something because she thinks that she would be intruding me but when I do go over she's always delighted to see me and the dogs.

The forgetfulness probably isn't something that needs medical help, it is just the way she is and always has been. She would constantly need reminders about school trips, parents evenings and such and to be honest it runs in the family - the only difference between my mother and I in this regard is that I am computer literate enough to have Microsoft Outlook run my life! :rotfl: I do though intend to try and get to the bottom of the whole supplier-switching saga to find out what happened there because that is a bit of a concern.

I have tried teaching her to use a computer and I even gave her an old laptop that I don't need anymore but she just doesn't pick things up and I think in part she doesn't have any desire to learn to use a computer. I think it would be useful for her to learn to use a computer because then at the very least she could get shopping delivered for when she can't go but I just can't get her to see the benefit and she seems to believe you don't get the same products as in the store... set in her ways, so she is.

Still, I'll just have to see how things go. I'll raise the issue with my partner tonight and see what she says about it. I'm not going to rush into anything but I will consider what options are open to me.

Gavin83

I think before you even consider the idea you need to talk to your partner. I'd never allow my girlfriends mum to move in unless she would otherwise be homeless and even then I'd only consider it temporary. Even if they get on I think most people dislike the idea of living with an in law.

Tropez

Gavin83 wrote: »

I think before you even consider the idea you need to talk to your partner. I'd never allow my girlfriends mum to move in unless she would otherwise be homeless and even then I'd only consider it temporary. Even if they get on I think most people dislike the idea of living with an in law.

Well to be fair, if I wasn't considering the idea there would be nothing to discuss with my partner, but I understand the issue. As I stated earlier, I do intend to talk to my partner tonight, just as I intend to weigh up the situation regarding the job. I do not intend to rush into anything.

I do have to say though, I find this "anti-in-law" culture pretty ugly. I believe that it is important in a relationship to be understanding towards each others needs, desires and any family related issues that may arise. If my partner asked me if her mother could live with us then I personally wouldn't see it as a problem because it would obviously be important enough for my partner to ask in the first place. But of course, I would need my partner to be comfortable with my mother moving in should it occur.

Jinx

Re the shopping, could you agree a 'basics' list and order it each week for her from Tesco/Asda online? At least then she'd not starve or be a bother....

Tropez

Jinx wrote: »

Re the shopping, could you agree a 'basics' list and order it each week for her from Tesco/Asda online? At least then she'd not starve or be a bother....

I did think about that and it does sound reasonable enough. I was also thinking I could start ordering extras for myself (I do my shopping online) and then pop the extras around when I go for coffee which is usually Thursday and Monday - bread, milk, eggs, fish etc. and then I will at least know she has them and then perhaps I could ease into getting some shopping done for her online, ie. arrange delivery for when I'm there, telling her I didn't have chance to get them myself that week so thought I'd order them online. Perhaps if she could see they are the same products I'd win a small battle!