Ahh, parents...

saterkey

It sounds like shes not at the stage yet where shell need to leave her house.

Like you say you could pop in and do a bit of shopping for her, there are a lot of people out of work, maybe you could/know of someone reliable to maybe go and clean, tidy up and do a few odd jobs for her for a few hours a week?

I know i dont have the room or could have my parents living with me on a long term basis, im not quite sure what ill do when i get to that stage to be honest.

Tropez

saterkey wrote: »

It sounds like shes not at the stage yet where shell need to leave her house.

Like you say you could pop in and do a bit of shopping for her, there are a lot of people out of work, maybe you could/know of someone reliable to maybe go and clean, tidy up and do a few odd jobs for her for a few hours a week?

I know i dont have the room or could have my parents living with me on a long term basis, im not quite sure what ill do when i get to that stage to be honest.

Left to my own devices too long and I turn into a bit of a slob, so I employ a cleaner at home. I might have a word with mum and see how open she is to the idea. I'd already planned to have my gardener go over at some point to sort her back garden out as an xmas present.

I have the room for it, I just need to see what works out best for all of us.

sassyblue

If your mum won't come and live with you, look at the idea of her having some paid help, someone who can pop in an hour a day and get any shopping or take your mum shopping?

We had similar problems with FIL when MIL died, people would ring him up he'd take their number and say yes to anything they offered, then he'd ring me in a panic with the number asking me to cancel it!

I understand what you're saying about anti in-law culture but some people (such as myself) have had awful in-laws or at least problems with them, that said l'm still there for FIL as he has no-one else and we do genuinely care about each other but can he be an ar5ehole, oh yes!

Good luck

mr218

to the OP. i agree completely with you about being against the anti-inlaw culture

i hope you can achieve a good solution which works for all of you

meanwhile, why not take some control of her finances. afterall how many bills does she have to pay each month. there will be the utilities, telephone, etc. all can go by direct debit

set up an online shopping account yourself to be delivered to your mother. sit down and work out what she needs on a regular basis, i.e. 2 pints of milk a week, veg etc. this cant change much week to week. then set a regular day of the week when you order these items. call her up before you order to see if she wants something special, maybe a dessert etc. if not order it and keep the delivery time approx the same as well. she can always go and buy a few things on her own when people come to visit.

why not get your mum to stay with you atleast overnight once a week to see how you all get on. you can adjust along the way and increase the time she spends with you

good luck

Tropez

sassyblue wrote: »

If your mum won't come and live with you, look at the idea of her having some paid help, someone who can pop in an hour a day and get any shopping or take your mum shopping?

We had similar problems with FIL when MIL died, people would ring him up he'd take their number and say yes to anything they offered, then he'd ring me in a panic with the number asking me to cancel it!

I understand what you're saying about anti in-law culture but some people (such as myself) have had awful in-laws or at least problems with them, that said l'm still there for FIL as he has no-one else and we do genuinely care about each other but can he be an ar5ehole, oh yes!

Good luck

Oh, certainly, I imagine some people do have lots of problems with their in-laws but I would guess that the majority of people actually don't but somehow it is now seen as taboo in society to look after a partner's family and it is something that I personally dislike. As I say, for me at least, part of being in a relationship is taking on and sharing aspects of each others lives which includes family, but that's just a personal view and one I doubt many people these days share.

As far as paid help goes, it might be a slight difficulty. I might be able to get my cleaner to help out there but at the moment all I can really do is just see what I can do to help when I pop over, particularly with the job thing looming as I don't know what I'll be doing regarding that yet either.

mr218 wrote: »

to the OP. i agree completely with you about being against the anti-inlaw culture

i hope you can achieve a good solution which works for all of you

meanwhile, why not take some control of her finances. afterall how many bills does she have to pay each month. there will be the utilities, telephone, etc. all can go by direct debit

set up an online shopping account yourself to be delivered to your mother. sit down and work out what she needs on a regular basis, i.e. 2 pints of milk a week, veg etc. this cant change much week to week. then set a regular day of the week when you order these items. call her up before you order to see if she wants something special, maybe a dessert etc. if not order it and keep the delivery time approx the same as well. she can always go and buy a few things on her own when people come to visit.

why not get your mum to stay with you atleast overnight once a week to see how you all get on. you can adjust along the way and increase the time she spends with you

good luck

Hi and thanks.

I have already asked her to get her "filing system" in order so that I can have a look and make sure there's nothing amiss with her outgoings and as I say, I have told her not to sign anything in future without allowing me to see it first and I'm also planning on telling her to give anybody who rings up my number and her authorisation for them to speak to me instead.

Thanks for the tips about the shopping system. I think firstly I would need to convince her that they are the same products as you get in the store because she can be quite fussy at times. If I can manage that then I can set up something more regularly that she might go for.

tasha-debt

My Mum helps out a few of my Nans friends for a small price (petrol etc) she takes one lady shopping once a week and another to all her medical appointments and the other just takes her out for a wander about town and a coffee. She does this because she enjoys it, think she misses looking after us so much.

Maybe you could speak to your Mum about you hiring a person like a helper to take her shopping each week, maybe to drive her to see her freind a bit more often etc. I would also talk to her about taking over her bills, she can authosise that you can have acssess to her bank account, you could pick up her post each week. That way she still has her independance but you know that she has no bill worries and gets to enjoy her life. This might also then give you the oppurtunity to take the job if you want to. Can/would she want to travel to visit you once a month or so, she might surpise you and enjoy getting to see a new place etc.

I also agree with the anti in-law thing. My partner knows if one of my Grandparents passed away then I would totally want to look after teh other one, that could be arranging helpers, bills or maybe even move in with them/us. He would not have it any other way.

sassy_one

Never a good ideal living with your MIL!!

So I'd say, no and say, I don't think you should take the job offer, although that has to be your choice, your mum needs you!

Vaila

thanks for this thread, my gran is in a somewhat similar position, i just wish she was computer literate so things like ordering shopping, keeping in touch would be more easier. i think one of the biggest problems facing the elderly is depression and lonliness , i know this may sound a tad farfetched but could your mum moving to europe with you (if you take up the job vacancy) be an option ?

Caroline_a

When my dad was struggling a little with organising the financial side of his life I changed his bank accounts to on-line accounts (with his approval, and all in front of him so he could see what was what), and then put everything down to direct debit. As far as the shopping is concerned, I used to take him every week until he got too frail to go, but more difficult for you if you are out of the country. However, as people have said, online is an option, or maybe looking to getting some carers who would undertake shopping as part of their duties?

margaretclare

Bills, bills, bills - the pile of unopened mail that the OP found after the conversation on the phone.

I am absolutely convinced that paying regular bills by direct debit is the ONLY way to go, as you get older, going out is more difficult, you can't risk disconnection especially in colder weather etc.

DH and I have a joint account that we keep ONLY for the normal household bills. All except one go out on the first working day of every month - for some reason the water provider will only use the 8th, not the first. This is an absolute godsend, a weight off our minds especially during time of illness, when one of us has been in hospital or when we're away on holiday.

But some people, for unknown reasons, are resistant to the idea and prefer doing it all the hard way. With the difficulties outlined by the OP - piles of unopened mail etc.

It's not only the very old who don't open their mail. Someone we know recently died very suddenly, a lively active person, and her son-in-law has had stacks and stacks of papers to deal with, bank statements unopened going back years! Some folk are just like that.