Break-up advice

snugglepet20

3 weeks ago SIL turned up on our doorstep in floods of tears with 2 kids and a rucksack. BIL told her he was having an affair and threw her and their children on the street. The house is jointly owned but he refused to go and threatened not pay the mortgage if she remained. He is refusing to pay maintenance for the children and has not made any effort to see them although he has sent a solicitors letter saying she is refusing him access (possibly due to trying to get out of maintenance??)

She has no money, no possessions, nowhere to live and is staying at MIL's very small 2 bed terrace on an airbed with the kids. She works 15 hours during term time and more in the holidays so no working tax credit but she will get other benefits apparently. So far she has sat in a heap crying and that's it. She is not going to fight for her stuff or claim maintenance (which I think she is legally entitled to?)

This guy was no prize even before he did all this stuff, he spent all the money on himself, never played with his kids, never attended any family or social occassions and he is very ugly and boring as well. I am shocked anyone else wants him! My question is how to get her to see sense and fight for herself and her children because they are about to be condemned to a life of poverty.

ailuro2

Tell her she needs to get herself to a solicitor and get herself sorted, because everyone is scared she will end up leeching off the mil.;)

Unless of course you think she's been a victim of abuse, in which case you need to get her to women's aid where they will help her see what a horror she was married to.;)

Don't get too involved yourself, she might just end up back with him... happens all the time, as it's just easier to do that.;)

DUTR

snugglepet20 wrote: »

3 weeks ago SIL turned up on our doorstep in floods of tears with 2 kids and a rucksack. BIL told her he was having an affair and threw her and their children on the street. The house is jointly owned but he refused to go and threatened not pay the mortgage if she remained. He is refusing to pay maintenance for the children and has not made any effort to see them although he has sent a solicitors letter saying she is refusing him access (possibly due to trying to get out of maintenance??)

She has no money, no possessions, nowhere to live and is staying at MIL's very small 2 bed terrace on an airbed with the kids. She works 15 hours during term time and more in the holidays so no working tax credit but she will get other benefits apparently. So far she has sat in a heap crying and that's it. She is not going to fight for her stuff or claim maintenance (which I think she is legally entitled to?)

This guy was no prize even before he did all this stuff, he spent all the money on himself, never played with his kids, never attended any family or social occassions and he is very ugly and boring as well. I am shocked anyone else wants him! My question is how to get her to see sense and fight for herself and her children because they are about to be condemned to a life of poverty.

Heh heh, let's stick with the real issues eh?
Your SIL needs to seek and adopt her rights, she did not have to move out of the house (neither party needs to move out) however now it is time for her to get re-homed and put in a claim via the csa for child support.
Who knows why he had an affair?
Good luck to her.

Emmzi

are the kids BILs, and how old are they? He is obliged to provide a home for them until 16... (might be 18?)

Is her name on the mortgage? If so, no reason she shouldn't stay in the house and he moves on.

DKLS

Dont just get the first solicitor you pick out of the phone book, The first solicitor (From big city firm and recommended) was an absolute wuss, couldnt/wouldnt say no to a goose.

I had to sack him and hired a younger female solicitor who had professional manner akin to a pitbull with PMT, she destroyed my ex in court and got a fair settlement.

Sounds like this bloke needs shredding by a talented solicitor.

gonzo127

agreed the first course of action would be a solicitor, with information about her current financial situation you have posted i would expect she would be entitled to legal aid, however without details i couldnt say for sure, this being said most solicitors will give you a free 30 min session, so i would book on one of those as soon as possible, just remember to write a list of your questions so you can try and get them answered, also write any of the relivant details which could help with those questions

you do also need to contact the CSA, if the children are his then he has a legal obligation to pay maintenance - even if access is a issue, just remmeber maintenance and access are seperate issues

DUTR

Emmzi wrote: »

are the kids BILs, and how old are they? He is obliged to provide a home for them until 16... (might be 18?)

Is her name on the mortgage? If so, no reason she shouldn't stay in the house and he moves on.

Erm, no he is not actually, he is obliged to provide 20% net contribution towards child support though.

snugglepet20

Yes the children are his, they are 7 and 3. The house belongs to both of them and they have been married for 7 years. 20% net income would be about £500 a month which is definetly worth having and could make a big difference to the children's lives. I just cannot believe that someone would do this to their children regardless of whatever went on in the relationship, the money is for them not her (then again my husband is a decent bloke). From what I understand you can ask the CSA to collect the money for you and he has no choice about paying, am I right? He is bullying her with legal threats which blatantly are not true but she is not the brightest or most assertive person and seems to believe him.

TBH I think she would take him back simply because she doesn't know how to cope on her own which seems insane to me but we are very different, one of her first responses was I don't know how to pay bills or manage money :eek:. I am trying really hard not to say what I really think but if someone tried to pull this across me parts of them would have to be surgically reattached! Has anyone felt like her and if so what finally made you see sense?

gonzo127

to be honest i can totally see where she is coming from as her entire life has been turned upside down in a heartbeat so of course she's not going to know what shes doing. just take things one step at a time, and if it would help use a list, write up the things she needs to do and tick them of once sorted just remember it will take time

this being said there are small things which you can help with, check out the entitled to website and put in her details - this will give a rough idea on what she can claim so you can help work out a budget with her - go on the debt free wannabe forum for help with this once you have figures

also she could be entitled to social housing especially since she has children - just something to look into

i beleive the CSA usually takes the money direct from his wages so he will not be able to stop this

and once again the solicitors is a must so that she can protect her kids - maybe this is the motivation she needs, someone 'gently' telling her that she needs to pull herself together for her children

BlondeHeadOn

Remember you can get a free 30 minutes at more than one solicitor, so I would recommend booking your free session with a few local ones.

I did this when I needed some help with probate, and it is a good way of getting several different legal viewpoints, making sure all bases are covered, and also finding a solicitor that you feel you can trust to do the best job for you if you decide to instruct one to take things further.

It can also help telling several different (and uninvolved) people about your problems! Difficult at first, but it gets easier with repetition, and your sil may find it helps her sort out things in her head to explain everything repeatedly. Sort of like free legal therapy! It might just help....

HTH

clearingout

snugglepet20 wrote: »

He is bullying her with legal threats which blatantly are not true but she is not the brightest or most assertive person and seems to believe him.

When a relationship breaks down suddenly, it is very, very difficult to get you head around how you feel, what needs to be done, where to go, who to trust etc. etc. When my ex walked out on me for another woman it took me about 4 months to come to terms with the fact he wasn't coming back - and even then, I struggled with really understanding what that means. I'm no idiot - I have a Masters degree, a career prior to having children, know full well how to manage money etc. I was simply in shock.

Bullying, control and manipulation is common by the person who has decided they want to end the relationship. He will be going all out in his head to justify his actions and will no doubt have re-written the history of their relationship to support him in his. When you're vulnerable and scared (and the primary emotion felt when you've been left is fear - or it was for me anyway) you tend to believe what the bigger, better, more clued up person is telling you. Chances are the man has been no where near legal advice. Or if he has, he hasn't listened to it because the solicitor didn't tell him what he wanted to hear, hence the extreme bullying (throwing her out of the house, trying to break her financially).

She is responsible for herself and her children. She will either pull herself together or she won't. Direct her towards her GP who will be very sympathetic and put anti-depressants in place if he feels she needs them and arrange for counselling. Women's Aid are another useful source of information. As is www.wikivorce.com.

In a nutshell, she needs to toughen up but my friend yelled this at me for weeks and weeks. It took a while to sink in! Yes, she should go to the CSA and yes, she will get plenty of benefits and probably be able to manage. But what she might not get is a roof over her head paid for by the state whilst she owns another house she could be living in so that needs look at - she probably needs an Occupation Order. And she needs a decent solicitor to support her with this.

Finally, to touch on contact with the children. Why is she denying access? That's a dangerous road to go down unless she can categorically state he has abused the children. The children have a right to a relationship with both parents - and the courts will support this. It is rare that a child is ordered not to have any contact with a parent so having the children with her should not be used as some kind of bargaining chip for maintenance. The CSA will sort that out for her but she needs to contact them.

Be gentle, but firm and supportive. It's a horrible position to be in. She will be utterly terrified for her future (when you marry someone you kind of have a right to feel you're sorted and that's fine and understand where you're going with life - take that away, and all you're doing is falling....) and it won't help having people point out the obvious all the time! Offer to accompany her on appointments, make the appointments with her agreement and be there as best you can. Ultimately, however, it's up to her. Many people in this situation do choose to sink rather than swim, living lives full of regret and bitterness which impacts on the children in ways we can't begin to understand. Ask her if this is what she wants....?