Break-up advice

snugglepet20

She is not actually denying him access to the children, he has not asked to see them and just sent a letter saying she is, possibly as another bullying tactic. He managed to ask to borrow her car at the weekend (and she let him even though he has one of his own!) but somehow he cannot ask to have the children? I think it is likely that he is convinced if he doesn't see them he doesn't have to pay for them and so is trying to make it seem that he is denied contact. He has also sent some sort of letter asking her to sign away her rights to her possessions and the house which she doesn't understand and won't show anyone.

I am seriously worried mostly because it is all very well being upset and losing everything when it is just you but when you have children you have to put them first. My niece is 7 and very upset, we have been taking her out to do fun stuff to try and help but how do you answer questions like Why is Mummy always crying? Why doesn't Daddy want me? Where am I going to live? She is not doing anything to reassure her and she is quite an anxious child anyway.

RAS

Please please please do the following:

Get her to see a solicitor.

Stop her signing any letter

Get a letter written advising that he has never asked to see the children but has asked to borrow the car and therefore she has never even had the opportunity to refuse him access.

She probably needs to see Women's Aid as this sounds like an on-going abuse situation.

They can help her return home and if necessary get him out.

clearingout

I'm no expert but I would hazard a guess that even if she does sign a letter, if it hasn't been legally prepared and she didn't take legal advice before signing it, it wouldn't stand up in court anyway. However, don't count on that. No solicitor would send such a letter without stating in a covering letter that she should seek her own, independent legal advice anyway. I'd also be surprised that any half decent divorce solicitor would advise it was reasonable to do such a thing - like I say, I would put bets on him not having been within a high street of any professional legal advice! Is her name on both the mortgage and the deeds?

She needs to abide by the 'no contact' rule in terms of her and the husband. No contact at all. It helps you get your head straight - they can't mess you around if they don't see or speak to you! He wont' like it but if you can help her with this, it will make a difference to how she's feeling. he doesn't have to put up with him borrowing cars - it's an excuse to find out what she's doing, who she's with, what she's thinking and bully her a bit more. Try and help her avoid him.

If she is not denying contact with the children then again, she needs to start retaliating with solicitor's letters stating that this isn't the case. And of course a 7 year old is fully capable of telling people what went on if asked so don't worry too much, I guess. But I think you know this - what you're really looking for is support in how to motivate her and I just don't know that we're answering that for you! Be assured that money and children are dealt with entirely separately by the court system and the CSA frankly couldn't give a hoot whether he sees his kids or not. He pays. Full stop. Just be aware that they won't backdate - so she needs to contact them sooner rather than later.

seriously, if she isn't even trying to reassure the 7 year old, she needs to get to the GP and get on anti-depressants. It would help clear her head and lift the mood and maybe put her in a place where she can start thinking and acting for her, and her children's futures.

You're a good friend to try and help in this way. Try not to tire of her and remain supportive, even if she won't let you help her. She's going to need all the support she can get.

gratefulforhelp_2

clearingout wrote: »

She needs to abide by the 'no contact' rule in terms of her and the husband. No contact at all. It helps you get your head straight - they can't mess you around if they don't see or speak to you! He wont' like it but if you can help her with this, it will make a difference to how she's feeling. he doesn't have to put up with him borrowing cars - it's an excuse to find out what she's doing, who she's with, what she's thinking and bully her a bit more. Try and help her avoid him.

Absolutely agree with this. He should put stuff in writing or not at all.

If she is not denying contact with the children then again, she needs to start retaliating with solicitor's letters stating that this isn't the case. And of course a 7 year old is fully capable of telling people what went on if asked so don't worry too much, I guess. But I think you know this - what you're really looking for is support in how to motivate her and I just don't know that we're answering that for you! Be assured that money and children are dealt with entirely separately by the court system and the CSA frankly couldn't give a hoot whether he sees his kids or not. He pays. Full stop. Just be aware that they won't backdate - so she needs to contact them sooner rather than later.

Show her this?

You're a good friend to try and help in this way. Try not to tire of her and remain supportive, even if she won't let you help her. She's going to need all the support she can get.

Yes she's a lucky woman. She may feel like when she starts to take control, she will feel a lot better.

snugglepet20

Ok so a quick update. Sent SIL an email explaining advice and how his threats are meaningless and untrue, I was prepared to be told to mind my own business but she said thanks and she will look into it which is some progress! He has flatly refused to pay child support and is bullying her re the house i.e if you make me pay I will default on the mortgage. Pointed out no real threat to her as she cannot be made homeless twice and she doesn't earn enough to get her own mortgage anyway. She has offered him access to the children every other weekend and his response was you are making me choose between seeing them and seeing my girlfriend! Seriously this guy is unbelievable.

She has seen a solicitor but she is no good and doesn't answer her calls, I have advised finding a new one and that I will help if she wants. She has got a rented house but it is in a rubbish area, think she took it out of desperation as she cannot even describe the interior!

Hopefully the truth will hit home soon, I think in a way it was an abusive relationship as he never let her have any money and controlled every last penny, the children never got new clothes or any treats unless someone else paid etc and now he is trying to continue that control by keeping her poor. He earns more than my husband and she works and I don't, yet she was always panicking about lack of grocery money when I had enough to buy whatever I wanted. Surely it's not normal to have to ask for £3 to take your son to the play place?

sleepystar1975

Wow, can't offer any more advice than you've been given already, but just want to say what an A-hole this ex is. And such a liar. He doesn't deserve those children.
I hope his new partner is carrying a nasty contagious STD which makes his willy fall off!

Keep badgering your SIL to find a decent solicitor (dump the one who doesn't keep up contact).
If I were here, I would go back to the house regardless (unless he's the violent sort), if he carrys out his threat and defaults on the mortgage, then he's only cutting off his nose to spite his face, as he'll lose out on the house too.
Persuade your SIL to got to welfare rights and/or citizens advice about finacial matters too. If she goes to the CSA (or whatever they are called), then he can't refuse to pay fo rhis kids, as they deduct their cut at source.


My friend has a similar ex, who lets her down when it's his time to have the kids, and then if and when he does turn up for them, he demands "x" percent of the child benefit to feed them whil ehe has them, even though he hasn't paid a penny towards them for years!

gonzo127

agree keep on supporting her and try and ifnd a new solicitor.

the guy is a joke really, default on his own mortgage as a threat therefore making himself homeless and making it much harder for him to get credit!

anyway has she made the access offer in a letter? if not tell her to do so and send it recorded delivery as at least you will be starting to keep a record of the situation. just get a leaver arch file and take copies of all correspondence with date and time of said correspodence and also the receipt of any recorded delivery letters she sends.

i am not trying to be a pain however i have a funny feeling this guy is going to make things as difficult as possible so keeping a record of everything such as letters, emails, telephone conversations with details of what was discussed in a nice neat order could end up helping her out in the long run

clearingout

gonzo127 wrote: »

i am not trying to be a pain however i have a funny feeling this guy is going to make things as difficult as possible so keeping a record of everything such as letters, emails, telephone conversations with details of what was discussed in a nice neat order could end up helping her out in the long run

I totally agree with this. And frankly, it helps you gain control of what's going on. I kept a daily diary as well - recorded every conversation, all the detail. I love being able to retort to my ex 'ah, but on the 29th July 2009 you said....' when it's the complete opposite of what he's saying now. Shows up the lies. Also shows up patterns in behaviour which is useful down the line for learning how to manage the ex - for example, my ex can't handle anything to do with money (he pays no child maintenance, makes him guilty as hell) so I don't mention it and my life is easier as there are no arguments, no threats - I deal with the CSA as my way of handling it, if that makes sense?

She may want to purchse one of these if he's abusive on the phone: www.truecall.co.uk. Once my ex realised every conversation was recorded, he stopped hassling me on the phone. Like I say, you do have to learn to handle a bully as they won't change.

And poor him, not getting to see his girlfriend every weekend when he has children....pathetic!

RAS

snugglepet20 wrote: »

He has flatly refused to pay child support and is bullying her re the house i.e if you make me pay I will default on the mortgage. Pointed out no real threat to her as she cannot be made homeless twice and she doesn't earn enough to get her own mortgage anyway. She has offered him access to the children every other weekend and his response was you are making me choose between seeing them and seeing my girlfriend! Seriously this guy is unbelievable.

I think in a way it was an abusive relationship as he never let her have any money and controlled every last penny, the children never got new clothes or any treats unless someone else paid etc and now he is trying to continue that control by keeping her poor. He earns more than my husband and she works and I don't, yet she was always panicking about lack of grocery money when I had enough to buy whatever I wanted. Surely it's not normal to have to ask for £3 to take your son to the play place?

It is called economic abuse, using control of money to get what you want and to belittle your spouse, see this thread for information https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1276963

snugglepet20

Yay she has done it and reported him to the CSA and filed for divorce! He has obviously had a call from them because at tea time he rang her and said he was taking her car and if she didn't give it to him he was calling the police. Apparently his name is on the log book, weird how the payments for it came out of their joint account and she has insurance for a car she stole, huh? She has called the police herself to tell them he is harrassing her and that she needs the car for work and to take the children to school and they are coming round. I hope he is the one who gets into trouble and not her!