DO NOT want to start an arguement, genuine question..

ACon

If NRPs are so concerned about the kids suffering due to the mum spending every penny of CM on herself, then maybe they should do something about it, ie get custody of the children, or at least raise concerns about their wellbeing.
Money would be the last of my concerns tbh.

If the childen are well cared for, but the mums also having a nice time, then SO WHAT? Money IS being spent on the children to raise them, and that includes a lot more than the physical stuff they gain, rent, heating, food, electricity, petrol to drive them to school/clubs etc....

I do not say to myself every week, this x amount of money is from him to them specifically, and go out and spend it on them. It goes in the pot, there are plenty of family running costs that arent "seen" as such.

Kimitatsu

I am going to play devils advocate here

I am a PWC and also the partner to a NRP. From my ex I get £5 a week for 2 children (yes he works, according to his tweeting for 4 companies as a SE contracter currently........its a loooong story and I sincerely hope that one day I will be able to post of my joy at the CSA finally having sorted it out) My now husband pays a large 4 figure sum for one child on CS1.

So if my ex husband can ask me to prove that the money is going on the children, should I not be able to ask him to justify what he is spending on his lifestyle too?? I realise that mine is an extreme case but if the boot was on the other foot I know that there would be a great reluctance for him to qualify the new car, the holidays, the two houses etc etc.

For me even though we pay a small fortune for my stepdaughter, I know that she has a roof over her head, and that she has the opportunity to do well. Whether she takes it or not is up to her. I would not dream of asking her mother to qualify how she spends that money, and yes she is in receipt of more than we are into our household with WTC, CB, CTC and employment, because we all live differently.

cte1111

This sort of thread makes me uneasy. NRP can all too easily forget that the costs of having a child aren't just the obvious things like clothes and school trips, but the hidden costs of a larger house, not being able to work long hours and all sorts of bits and pieces like car seats, new carpet when the kids have spilt paint, food for the rabbit they adore etc.

I am in receipt of a smallish amount of child support, after years of wrangling and chasing it nows comes fairly regularly on a DOE.

Should I therefore feel guilty when I don't buy my daughter the new DSi that she wants? Should I never be able to buy myself a handbag or have my hair cut? I think we've got enough to worry about without bringing an extra set of guilt into the equation.

Most parents do their best to ensure that their kids are happy and well looked after. It doesn't necessarily mean ensuring that the child has absolutely everything they desire or even brand new clothes for every outing, they grow out of them so soon that from time to time they might have to keep wearing something a bit scruffy as it is only a few weeks before a new season and therefore new clothes. A friend of a friend had no family holiday last year because the eldest child was going on a skiing trip with school. That would not be my personal decision but according to the NRP on here it seems like that is what they are advocating.

ACon

When the CSA paid me a lump sum for my exs arrears, I bought a cot and a pram, for the baby I was expecting with my current husband, not my ex's.
This may seem very wrong to some, but when you take into account the money I spent on the children that I could have saved each week had ex actually been paying, then it all evens out.
You cannot control what that specific CM payment pays for, because in the end the PWC is raising and caring for the children, and it costs in many different ways.

speedster

but what's wrong with your current husband buying the cot etc?

where did the money go that he would have had to use to buy them etc, etc. ad infinium.

child support and how it is spent will ALWAYS cause friction between warring exes.

ACon

his wages brought up, and still does bring up, my kids... we don't have seperate money, it all goes in the pot, thats what Im saying, whats needed is bought, regardless of which "payment" it comes from, it all evens out in the end.

gratefulforhelp_2

cte1111 wrote: »

this sort of thread makes me uneasy. Nrp can all too easily forget that the costs of having a child aren't just the obvious things like clothes and school trips, but the hidden costs of a larger house, not being able to work long hours or £600 a month in childcare and all sorts of bits and pieces like car seats, new carpet when the kids have spilt paint, food for the rabbit they adore etc.

I am in receipt of a smallish amount of child support, after years of wrangling and chasing it nows comes fairly regularly on a doe. me too and well done for sticking at it.

should i therefore feel guilty when i don't buy my daughter the new dsi that she wants? Should i never be able to buy myself a handbag or have my hair cut? I think we've got enough to worry about without bringing an extra set of guilt into the equation. enough guilt and enough clearing up of vomit, sleepless nights, changing of nappies...that the nrp doesn't do.

most parents do their best to ensure that their kids are happy and well looked after. It doesn't necessarily mean ensuring that the child has absolutely everything they desire or even brand new clothes for every outing, they grow out of them so soon that from time to time they might have to keep wearing something a bit scruffy as it is only a few weeks before a new season and therefore new clothes. A friend of a friend had no family holiday last year because the eldest child was going on a skiing trip with school. That would not be my personal decision but according to the nrp on here it seems like that is what they are advocating.

:t:t:t:t:t:t

kelloggs36

When my ex finally coughed up, I invested half of it and spent lots on a trip to Florida for me, my new hubby, our children and the child for whom the maintenance was due. It is MY money because it is arrears - ie daughter has already been bought up and paid for so to speak - at the time it was paid for by ME and my NEW husband - whilst my ex tried (eventually in vain) to pay nothing. We struggled so she didn't go without. My husband paid for her whilst he wasn't her father, so the money is ours to recoup what has already been paid out - and no, I don't feel guilty!

ACon

kelloggs36 wrote: »

When my ex finally coughed up, I invested half of it and spent lots on a trip to Florida for me, my new hubby, our children and the child for whom the maintenance was due. It is MY money because it is arrears - ie daughter has already been bought up and paid for so to speak - at the time it was paid for by ME and my NEW husband - whilst my ex tried (eventually in vain) to pay nothing. We struggled so she didn't go without. My husband paid for her whilst he wasn't her father, so the money is ours to recoup what has already been paid out - and no, I don't feel guilty!

Agree!!!!!!

ACon

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

On the topic of clothing, if my child ever visits the NRP, then she will go in her cheapest oldest clothes on principle. This is because I don't trust him not to "accidentally" not send them back, and ebay them to make back some of the CSA money. Harsh but true.

Apart fromthe Ebaying them bit, its the same here, but in our case he just ruins them, or loses them. So then I started sending them in old clothes, and no coats! As with the number of coats he "lost" he could either find one of them or buy a new one for them, as it was getting ridiculous!