not able to forgive or forget

nottoogood

missdee85 wrote: »

I really feel for you it is a difficult one. My mum (i say that in the loosest possible term) cut all contact with me after splitting up with my dad and then starting a new relationship, she basically made it perfectly clear that myself and my sister were not part of her new life.

We made the effot with her by going to visit even when i was heavilly pregnant - she never came to visit either of us or never called or anything like that. When i had my little BOY she came to hospital (my dad put a note through the door with details of name, sex, weight and visiting times) she brought my son a pink blanket and as soon as she came in asked if her BF could come in - i said no due to me not knowing him at all and also i had too many visitors around the bed as it was. She didn't speak to me, my family and friends tried to speak to her but they just got grunts back - i offered her 3 times if she wanted to hold the baby NO!!! was her reply everytime.

Then when i had seen her out and about she would look at me for a few seconds then turn and walk the other way. She made up lies to my family and friends that i told her to do one basically or that my dad didn't want me to see her which was all complete lies - my dad in fact facilitated it most of the time.

She turned nasty too - i had problems after i had my son due to have post natal depression i fully admit i was wrong at that time through many of my actions but never did anything other than love my baby. She would call me after she had a few drinks giving me abuse saying my son was better off with me out of his life and all of that sort of thing, that for me was the final straw.

You will have a final straw and it sounds like you have went way past that point, its not easy at first to just say look this is not working i dont want to hear from you again. It still upsets me to think about it but i dont miss her from my life - i think you have been so use to doing things for her for so long that you just feel as if you will be lost without it.

I think you should open up to your partner it helps to laugh about the silly things, cry about the bad times and feel angry for the rest of it - it can be very theraputic, the counselling idea does sound a good one though so good for you thinking of it.

I dont think that your dad sounds like the major problem is there anyway of you keeping a relationship with him? He seems like excuse the phrase but collateral damage to your mum, i dont think i could keep the other relationship a secret from my dad. Perhaps its time to be completely honest with him about everything including the loan she made you get, it is possible that she is manipulating the situation to cover up lies which she has probably had to tell to cover for her strange behaviour.

If you need to vent feel free to pm me i completely understand your situation - you sound like you need a huge squeezy hug!!
xx

I'm sorry for what you've gone through with your mum, and understand how painful it is not to have that maternal support when it is most needed.
My mum has had her mental problems in the past, over the course of the past 35 years she was anorexic for a while, then a big drinker, then had panic attacks and anxiety most nights and my dad would take her to a&e as she thought she was dying.
I do feel very sorry for her and her mental state but also frustrated that I'm not able to help her and she doesn't seem to help herself.
All of the responses here have helped me to feel more compassion and enabled me to back away. I haven't been in touch with my mum for over a week and she hasn't contacted me. For the sake of my peace and hers I'll let us get on with our lives.