not able to forgive or forget

lynzpower

nottoogood wrote: »

Thanks for kind comments, my partner is so lovely in lots of ways but I can't quite tell him everything as he has a habit of holding these things against people as he is very close to his family and can see no wrong in them, and they are lovely people compared to mine!
I called the loan people and whether I pay the loan now or in 2 years the amount will be the same so I'll carry on paying it as it is manageable but just adds to my resentment!

IS your mother not paying you back for this?

nottoogood

Wine_of_the_World wrote: »

I dont have much to add to what's already been said re family.But dont assume its becuase of "you" that you feel you are being bullied at work. I have been bullied in some of the (many) jobs I have had. If I had gone straight from one of these jobs to another I'd have felt like you! There are bullies everywhere who can spot a "pushover", but you will be more exposed to them in some jobs than others.

To be honest I am not bullied at work and never have been, I am able to be more confident seeming at work and am prepared to walk away from my job if things aren't to my liking, but that seems to be my answer - walk away rather than make a situation better

nottoogood

Alleycat wrote: »

To be honest it doesn't sound like you have mental health problems. Your mother is behaving in a very difficult manner and you are doing your best to support your family. You have done what any normal person would do. I.e you had concerns re your mother's finances and whilst we know it is wrong you opened a bank statement. It has been done before and will be done again by many people. The cat sounds like it has been neglected and you are rightly concerned about this. Re finances, of course you feel upset. You were given a sum of money to buy a flat and you were then asked for this money back by way of a loan.

I don't really know what the answer is, but I don't think you need counselling, medication etc for a mental health issue. Maybe try distancing yourself a bit from your family to get a bit of breathing space and perspective. Then see how you feel about them. It might be that you need to find a bit more confidence it tackling them over the way they have been treating you.

Thanks so much for this, I get so frustrated that I feel like I am crazy and can't articulate to people how I am feeling without anger and tears and bringing up past wrong doings.
Sadly I am going to distance myself from them and if they need me or want me they know where I am.

nottoogood

lynzpower wrote: »

IS your mother not paying you back for this?

No, it is so weird, they forced the money on me, then my mum called me at work one day to ask me to get her a loan, she is very secretive and my dad won't have a clue that she has done this.
She is very good at evading questions and never gives a straight answer which frustrates me more as I am only capable of being straight and saying things as I see them, I am a terrible liar for example.

lynzpower

nottoogood wrote: »

No, it is so weird, they forced the money on me, then my mum called me at work one day to ask me to get her a loan, she is very secretive and my dad won't have a clue that she has done this.
She is very good at evading questions and never gives a straight answer which frustrates me more as I am only capable of being straight and saying things as I see them, I am a terrible liar for example.

This would have been the point where I would have said no Im afraid.

She has managed to get you to collude with her, did you give her that money? Is that money now being spent on her "freindships"

If it were me, Id be having this out in the open with both of them, saying you cant afford it, and can you have this money back please to pay off the loan early. As you cant afford the repayments.

Colluding with lies like this is extending your pain. I think I can understand your position: you are pulled every which way by your family and probably have always been? So you dont really know what to do for the best? Does it feel like that?

hot.chick

can I suggest some personal development to help you manage the way you react to things??

I'm a fan of Tony Robbins but you will find one that works for you - if you get on with it - it will be like a new day for you and you will feel far more in control of situations if you can stop getting angry and tearful.

I can send you some links if this would help?

clairehi

kitschkitty wrote: »

I think that professional counselling may help you. You sound like a thinker and a worrier, and could benefit from having someone to talk these issues through with.

It would be easy for us to tell you to forget your family or to leaver them to their business, but I don't see it in your personality to be able to do that, so I think help in working out how to deal with these issues and enjoy living your own life would really make you happier.

Excellent post.

OP you say that "you know this is your problem for being a control freak". I disagree.

Your family have their own problems and none of them are your fault.
Personally I would be beside myself if I was in your shoes.

The only thing that is your problem is how your family's behaviour makes you feel.

I agree with KitschKitty re seeking help with how you deal with these feelings.

sassyblue

I agree with Claire above. You don't sound like a control freak, but a 'people pleaser' - someone who bends over backwards to help everyone and gets taken advantage of - and you will be used because of it, like you have.

Your sister sounds like a trouble-maker dobbing you into your parents over the cat - but not helping you! Could you take the cat to yours and let your parents have him/her back when they're more responsible?

TBH l could see trouble looming when you accepted the 20K, especially knowing your mums problems but what's done is done chick at least you are paying it off it's not forever, there are loads of threads on here to help you live frugally maybe it's an option to shave some more money towards paying it off earlier, could you consolidate it with your mortgage if that's a cheaper rate?

You won't change your mothers 'flighty and irresponsible' behaviour and although they aren't happy together don't get involved in your parents problems they have to work them out themselves or they'll never learn!

I think distancing yourself is a good idea (and getting some counselling to help you work through the issues you have), your family will have to learn they have to treat you with more respect.

Plans_all_plans

I am personally very able to forgive and forget (and have a difficult mother!) so I wouldn't cut all familial ties, but I am also well able to stand up for myself.

I would've told my parents to take a running jump if they thought they could tell me where to live! Not only that, but giving you 20k and then asking you to take a loan out to repay them with no mention of it beforehand?? They'd have been destitute before I'd have paid them back!

I think you need to stand up for yourself a bit more instead of thinking you need counselling. Just tell them no and let them carry on mismanaging their own lives and tell them to stop interfering in yours!

cyberem78

Wow, your family sounds exactly like mine!

I think you are doing really well considering the stresses you have through.

I have similar issues with my family and I find that it's best for my personal wellbeing if I sometimes just take a deep breath and take a step back from the issues. I don't actually think this solves the actual problems but it helps keep me reasonably sane. I think you should think of yourself as main priority and do what you need to do to feel okay and calm.

Good luck!