not able to forgive or forget

nottoogood

Hi, I'm a regular reader of the posts and have read lots of good advice...I feel like I’m going crazy at the moment and would like some guidance as to where I am going wrong....

Sorry this is a long one and could be a lot longer!

I have lots of issues with my family and have decided to cease all contact with them although I know that the problem is mainly down to myself and my attitude.

For a start there is my mother.... she’s in her 60’s and I think she is “flighty” and irresponsible. I opened her bank statement years ago (I know this was an invasion of her privacy), I had offered her financial help many times (I gave her at least £300 a month anyway as a matter of course but always had a feeling she wasn’t handling her finances properly). It turns out that she was paying loads of bank charges every month and I hit the roof (for example she was giving money to Plan International to sponsor a child for £15 a month and then when she didn’t have enough money the bank was charging her £35. This was happening for every one of her direct debits).

I couldn’t cope with this irresponsibility so I moved out and rented a room in a house for 6 months as I couldn’t bear the waste of money. I am a control freak I guess and feel that I can do things better than others and want to be the one in charge. I know this is a failing and unpleasant for other people but in my mind it is for their own good. Needless to say I don’t have lots of friends and feel frustrated with people lots of the time.

I saved up a deposit for a flat and chose a flat I liked within my price range, put an offer on and paid for the surveyor. I took my parents to see it and they didn’t like the area and spent the next few days looking for a flat for me in an area they liked and felt was safer. They took me to see a flat which was out of my price range and I was so upset and felt bullied (I was 30 at the time so not exactly a child but I will admit that I am quite immature in some ways and valued my parents’ opinion). They told me that they would give me £20k towards the deposit (they said it was the money they had saved up for my future wedding which made me cry even more as it felt that they were saying that they didn’t think I would get married) and I would have a nicer flat that needed no work doing to it in a safer area. I backed down and allowed them to make this decision for me, begrudgingly.

A month after I moved into my new flat my mum asked me to get her a loan for £20k! I did try as I would do anything for her but could only get a loan for £10k and with the interest I would be paying £16k. I was very resentful that she had given me the money for the deposit and then asked for it back straight away when I didn’t even want it in the first place. 5 years later I am still paying this loan back, and have two years to go. I give her £200 a month and pay my mortgage.

Lately my mother has been meeting men she meets on the internet and spending days away from home. My father asks me where she is and I can’t tell him although I have a vague idea (she is travelling three hours away and paying nearly £100 a week on train fares to see a man). I understand that she is unhappy with my father but I don’t like to see him being treated this way.

My mother and father live together in a 3 bed housing association house. They have a cat who is 15 years old and a valued member of the family. They went on holiday together for 2 weeks and I went round every evening to feed the cat. I stayed over many times so she wouldn’t be on her own. I didn’t stay every night as I have a partner at my flat who didn’t want to stay at my parents’ house. One night my sister found out I wasn’t staying there overnight and told my mum who then became very concerned that the cat wasn’t being looked after and for the next two weeks she and my sister made my life unbearable demanding to know my every move. I didn’t want to tell them as I don’t like to be questioned and I have high expectations/standards of myself and believe that I do everything to the best of my ability and that includes looking after the cat. I think my mum was unhappy at being with my father for 2 weeks without internet access and wanted to use me as an excuse for coming home early as she threatened on many occasions. She stayed the whole two weeks.

Basically I felt like a nervous wreck during those two weeks and didn’t eat or sleep properly and felt very badly treated.

The reason I mention this incident is that now that my mother is away for most of the week and my father spends time at his work place rather than come home to an empty house the cat is being neglected. I went there this weekend and the house is always filthy but I made a start on the kitchen and got it all clean and then went to clean out the cat bowl.....it was full of disgusting food and a thick layer of maggots and clay looking stuff like poo! I was horrified that the cat could be treated in this way and the way they treated me when I was looking after the cat and treating her like a princess. I feel perceived injustices very keenly.

There are more issues with my brother and sister but I don’t want to be going on all night.

I don’t want anything more to do with my family but feel really sorry that it has come to this and know that most of it is down to my inability to forget or forgive. If I could laugh things off and accept their behaviour then we would all be happier but I have a burning anger for injustices I feel are directed against me.

I think I’m going to ask my gp for counselling to help me cope with other people. I’m not on any medication and have given up coffee as it was making me anxious.

I know I sound like I have mental problems and probably do to a degree although nothing has been diagnosed.

I just wanted to offload Thanks

kitschkitty

I think that professional counselling may help you. You sound like a thinker and a worrier, and could benefit from having someone to talk these issues through with.

It would be easy for us to tell you to forget your family or to leaver them to their business, but I don't see it in your personality to be able to do that, so I think help in working out how to deal with these issues and enjoy living your own life would really make you happier.

gratefulforhelp_2

Well lots of people have mental health problems and work them through, I'm sure you will as you sound so sensible in lots of ways.

It does sound as though this is a very complicated set up. Is your partner supportive, have you talked to him/her?

Is there a way you could pay this money back sooner, to allow you to feel more free?

jackieglasgow

I don't know about mental health problems but you sound as if you may have an autistic spectrum disorder, it would be worth asking your GP about this, too.

VK-2008

speak to gp or get some counselling, you have had a really tough time

i dont blame you for wanting to back away from family

my oh is not in as bad a situation but we have stepped away from his mums side and its been great hes a much happier person

big hugs to you

Wine_of_the_World

I dont have much to add to what's already been said re family.But dont assume its becuase of "you" that you feel you are being bullied at work. I have been bullied in some of the (many) jobs I have had. If I had gone straight from one of these jobs to another I'd have felt like you! There are bullies everywhere who can spot a "pushover", but you will be more exposed to them in some jobs than others.

Alleycat

To be honest it doesn't sound like you have mental health problems. Your mother is behaving in a very difficult manner and you are doing your best to support your family. You have done what any normal person would do. I.e you had concerns re your mother's finances and whilst we know it is wrong you opened a bank statement. It has been done before and will be done again by many people. The cat sounds like it has been neglected and you are rightly concerned about this. Re finances, of course you feel upset. You were given a sum of money to buy a flat and you were then asked for this money back by way of a loan.

I don't really know what the answer is, but I don't think you need counselling, medication etc for a mental health issue. Maybe try distancing yourself a bit from your family to get a bit of breathing space and perspective. Then see how you feel about them. It might be that you need to find a bit more confidence it tackling them over the way they have been treating you.

nottoogood

kitschkitty wrote: »

I think that professional counselling may help you. You sound like a thinker and a worrier, and could benefit from having someone to talk these issues through with.

It would be easy for us to tell you to forget your family or to leaver them to their business, but I don't see it in your personality to be able to do that, so I think help in working out how to deal with these issues and enjoy living your own life would really make you happier.

I can't seem to let my family get on with their own lives without interfering in a negative way and when I tell myself not to get involved I end up just biting my tongue and simmering

nottoogood

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Well lots of people have mental health problems and work them through, I'm sure you will as you sound so sensible in lots of ways.

It does sound as though this is a very complicated set up. Is your partner supportive, have you talked to him/her?

Is there a way you could pay this money back sooner, to allow you to feel more free?

Thanks for kind comments, my partner is so lovely in lots of ways but I can't quite tell him everything as he has a habit of holding these things against people as he is very close to his family and can see no wrong in them, and they are lovely people compared to mine!
I called the loan people and whether I pay the loan now or in 2 years the amount will be the same so I'll carry on paying it as it is manageable but just adds to my resentment!

lynzpower

I think counselling and/ or therapyis a good idea, as it can focus on you disengaging from your family- ie let them do what they want, you do what you want. It is not to say you cant have a relationship with them, but that you can learn to have it on healthier terms.

nottoogood

jackieglasgow wrote: »

I don't know about mental health problems but you sound as if you may have an autistic spectrum disorder, it would be worth asking your GP about this, too.

I have often wondered about this, I reckon I do mildly, I'll ask gp maybe but not sure if I want this on my notes