Should I tell my sister ?

ahll

yeah no dont think it a good idea to show her this.

Why I think he gets away with it is that she really doesnt know much about DIY or how long anything takes. So I beleive he goes around and does a few simply things just to show he has done something and to lay her off the track. However she does know that he never meets hhis deadlines. He has told everyone it will take him 3 months to do this house up and he has alredy had 6 weeks and done bog all.

No they reportedly made 10K out of the last house which took 16months to return. To me he could have made far more than that working as a handyman !

Iowa_Lot

do you have a good relationship with your sister?
I wonder because if he has stopped you being invited over for parties she must be going along with it

ahll

Yeah she does seem to be going along with it but then she is married to him. All my family were invited xcept me and that has never happened before the only change is him....Not that I was really bothered as I dont really want to spend anytime with him he has burn his bridges with me over a year ago.

No I dont see much of my sister and I hardly ever see her on her own he is always there. My other sister thinks she doesnt like being on her own so wants to be in a relationship so badly she seems to be ignoring the blinding obvious.

I do wonder that even if I tell her she wont do anything about it...but she will for a little while have to be in reality and hear what I have to say. If she chooses to think I am lying and that is her problem..I reckonise it is her life and she can do with it as she wants.

I just thought maybe telling her to her face would make her have to face up to things.

pounds_and_pensive

My sister is in a relationship with a 'user' too. Most of the time she thinks the sun shines out of his idle behind and gushes and enthuses over him as if I were witnessing the Second Coming (frankly, you wouldn't think to look at him that he even had the first one in him...). I just smile politely and never say anything more commital than 'hmmm', or 'uh-huh'. It's a different story when they've had a row, and then she'll rant on for ages about how he's the most selfish leech going. Then I'll tell her how I'm in full agreement with her

These phases never last though, but I'm hoping that she wises up that little bit more with each one. At least one member of my family won't even visit her because of her 'man' (I use the term very loosely), but I act pretty much as I've always done because I know she'll need someone she's always been able to count on around her when the scales eventually fall from her eyes.

Hard as it is, I think all you can do with people you love is let them make their own mistakes (they're going to anyway, with or without your blessing) and let them know you'll always be around to help them pick up the pieces if there's a problem, even if it's one of their own making.

I'm one of three girls, and having helped pick up their pieces more than once, not to mention having had help in my own piece picking-up, I've come to the conclusion that that's what sisters are for

vizcacha

if he's stopped inviting you to barbecues and she's gone along with it I'm wondering if you do tell her she might side with him - that her loyalties are there, or she would've kicked up a fuss about that. Do you know what he's said to her about you - why he doesn't invite you?

I think the only thing you can do is have a good think about what would make you feel worse - to tell her and risk her falling out with you and /or being the catalyst for her being forced into conflict with her husband and being unhappy

or - to not tell her and really regret it later, feel you'd let her down and have her say she would rather you had been honest and then regret it coz you did want to be honest at the time

It's a really difficult situation because as the bearer of bad news she'll probably blame you anyway. Maybe she even has her own suspicions but won't thank you for breaking her out of her denial, but I think in the long run honesty is the best policy, as the situation doesn't look like it's improving by itself, just prepare yourself for a negative reaction and take comfort from the fact that you've acted in what you fully believe are her best interests

I know it must be difficult,(when you're seeing someone taking the p*ss out of someone you love) but I would try and avoid the temptation of going into a full - on slagging off of him and stick to the facts of what you've seen as much as poss, she's bound to be defensive - no one wants to hear that they're being used and it will hurt but I guess it's what you call 'tough love'

good luck with whatever you decide

ailuro2

Difficult one.

Try not to criticise him, just ask her nicely/breezily how the home improvements are coming along, and when she says not very well/very slowly , then you say "he must have had a lot of problems,hold ups etc. and aren't these things a nightmare?"

And mention wouldn't it be nice if he still had the handy man business to do while he waits for the stuff/equipment/whatever to come in? Then they'd have extra money coming in and afford to at least have a holiday away from the building works once in a while....

just get her thinking without being negative about him, otherwise she will likely go on the defensive. If you plant ideas,sometimes they grow.

ahll

well me and my sisters have been dropping idea for quite a while now but she still bought this other house so that he can do it up. I half wonder if she bought it because its the only time she can get him to do any work !

At times I think she gets totally feedup with him...she made him get rid of his care because she told him she was not going to pay the insurance and tax on it anymore (she has a car n he had a car and the work van)...so it went.

He has done work at anothers sisters(I have 3 sisters) and he drilled through the wall and never made it good and has done quite afew other things he has never bothered to finish, she has told her about that and other things.

Maybe I will see what he does this week and decide wether to tell her or not. I went around on Friday to tell her but she was not there thats when I decided to see what folks on her thought.

I would have no idea what he would have said to make sure I wasnt invited to the BBQ. They even invited my best friend and her husband. I believe its because I stood up to him when he was bossing me my sister and my 2 young nieces around. He was the only man their and I dont think he would have tried anything like that if their had been another man their. There was no excuse for his behaviour and he has never apologies and my sister (his wife was there) and I dont believe she agreed with him but nor was she vocal about disagreeing. Since then we have not been on the best of terms but she always speaks when we do bump into each other.

Another example is that recently we had very bad floods and my house was just about to flood. I knew they has some bags of sand (as where having an extention done). He told me where they were and watch me and my friend struggle to life and move them over ther road to block off the water. He never lifted a fingure to help...I ask you what kind of a man is that ?
We then went around to help bail out the old people that live behind me again he watched and didnt lift a fingure ! Instead he took photos of what was going on then got them pubslished on the BBC website so I have been told ! He has done so many things

inkie

I would tell her - not only is this guy a freeloader, but a complete numpty if he thinks he can get away with what he's doing knowing that you are across the road. Dob him in!!

Elljay_2

Pounds and pensive you have some very sound advice. almost identical to my situation.
Please be careful. It sounds to me as if your sister knows what type of man her husband is but is putting up with it and dealing with it in her own way. My sister (who also hated being alone and her "man" is better than nothing) didn't speak to me for 3 months after I didn't gush over him after I'd met him for the first time. She then moved 300 miles away from everything she's ever known just to be with him. He is now "retired" at 41 with no money and no intention of getting a job while their daughter is in full time daycare while my sister works full time.
Believe me I know how you feel. Your sister MUST know that he hasn't done much all day and she must also know that this property developing business is not sustainable if he can only turn over 10k in 16 months.
I'd make a joke about it when she talks about it next. Like "Course you;re not making much, he doesn't leave your house til after lunch!" And just leave it at that. She'll start questioning you if she really wants to hear the truth.

Can you not ring her at work and ask her why you weren't invited to her BBQ and even your best friend was? Her answer will tell you a lot about where you stand with her and whether she will welcome a few home truths.

Hope it all works out and the lazy !!!!!! gets what he deserves!!!

Keep biting your tongue. (Hard I know)

ahll

Elljay yes it seems we have a similar problem. The other sad thing about this is that I am sure my sister wanted kids and yet it has not happened. My other sister thinks that it hasnt because if my sister where to become pregnant then she would want to give up work for sometime to look after the baby and she is the only one bringing in the money. In other words he would have to get off his lazy backside !