Stepson controlling behaviour

supermezzo

Actually, my initial reaction to the OP's post is that the hubby is using the oldest child as a very good excuse to leave the OP, if the story of him moaning at his parents is true.

kazmc

what is the matter with these men?? They walk away time after time leaving a trail of destruction behind them, it makes my blood boil. You have 7 children between you and he wants to leave already??
The bloke sounds like a complete spineless waste of time tbh
My daughters dad walked out on us when my daughter was born (even though we had been together 5 years and she was planned!) for 'the love of his life' and had a daughter with her. He has now left her for someone else and the problems associated are ten fold. My daughter is now not considered part of the step family and her dad hardly sees her now.

It is so wrong and so sad for all concerned but especially the children involved, there is no stability for them.
Could you not sit down with your hubbys ex to try and sort this out.
My daughter is currently seeing a councellor arranged through her school which is really helping, maybe something like that could be arranged for your stepson??
It really isnt your stepsons fault you know............
Good luck x

worriedmumof4_2

Thanks again for the replies, I know it is not my stepsons fault, I did hear the way he spoke to his dad on the phone the other day, and he basically said in so many words, if you stay with her and baby, I am not going to be part of your life. I dont think that a 13 year old should say that to a parent, but then I was shocked that all my hubby replied was that it was his life, if he had never told his eldest son that we had broken up, then his son would'nt, in my opinion be emotionally blackmailing him. I understand that the children need to know what is going on, but to ring his son one evening saying that we were ended, then the next day saying that we had sorted it out, he should have never involoved him. I do so much to try and save our marriage, It will be our first annivesary next week, he blows hot and cold nearlly everyday, that I do not know where I stand from one day to the next. I really want to try and make amends with his son, as they have not seen their sister since beginning of July and its really sad, Also, I dont think that the ex-wife will help. Just to clarify his 3 children have never lived with us, they live with their mum and stepdad.

balletshoes

OP from your first post I'd say it sounds like your husband is using his son's attitude as an excuse to leave. He's 13, the odds are that he's going to attempt to be a controlling little Kevin - but just because thats what he wants, doesn't mean he's entitled to get it, and to hang with everyone else. Your husband is making the decisions here, not his son.

If you and your husband stay together, I hope you don't end up blaming your stepson for the break-up and any fallout from that - because he's not to blame ultimately - its your husband who is making/has made those decisions.

balletshoes

worriedmumof4 wrote: »

Thank you for the replies, Its great to see things from other peoples perspectives, My husband is really worried that his son will not want anything to do with him, I have not seen his kids since July, as they only came around then to get their birthday money. My husband has been seeing them at their home, which I agree with as he should keep up contact with them. Hubby also has issues with his parents, they also dont like me, I know that he goes around there every morning before work and moans about me, so they are going to see that. His parents sorted him out a flat when he walked out, I think he thinks if he had his own flat his son will come around to see him, and everything will be rosy. We also have alot of money issues, debt being mostly his, but if he had his own flat money would be better for him, and his parents and his son will be happy. His son is used to getting his own way and my hubby has always made it clear that he is the favourite.

What does your husband moan about in regard to you, to his parents? Its hardly any wonder they don't appear to like you when he's round there every day moaning about you. If your husband had his own flat, he'd have all the bills to pay for that, plus maintenancefor his 3 kids and for your baby together. So how would he be any (or much) better off?
Sounds to me, if hubby is happy to enforce that 13-year old is the favourite, he's only creating a very big rod for his own back - but this is still not stepson's fault - its your husbands.

worriedmumof4_2

Hi, they think that I am a control freak........if only they knew the truth, he hasnt told them how much debt he is in, just because they have lots of money, they also think that we have, but I spend it all according to what my hubby has told them. I have sat down and showed my hubby where all the money goes, and there isnt alot left. He goes out with his mates a few times a month whereas I do not get anything.(I dont care though as long as the bills are paid and children have got what they need, I sell stuff on ebay to buy my sons and daughters clothes), He moans that he dosent have any money, but we have to pay nearly £300 pound a month in CSA payments to his ex, I havent got a problem with this before anyone thinks that I have, with all the other bills, rent council tax etc there is not alot left, he does have quite a good paid job, and we get child tax credits, but he seems to think that we have more money than we actually do. Also hubby would have NEVER walked out on his 3 children, his ex wife got rid of him, if that makes any difference.

jellyhead

I just wanted to send you a big hug really, what a horrible situation for you and for the step-son really ... sounds like he's being manipulated into playing this game that your husband and his parents are playing.

I am absolutely horrified that your husband said your daughter won't remember him - is he really such a self obsessed weak character that he would walk away from her for ever?! I don't believe that he is just thinking of the 13 year old's feelings in this, because his daughter is just as important and it doesn't sound like he's the paternal type to me, not if he can contemplate abandoning a daughter. He is pretending that he's sacrificing himself for the 13 year old's sake so he can kid himself that he's not a terrible father.

Maybe I'm being harsh towards him ... is he depressed, or stressed about the money situation? Maybe you should go with him to his parents and lay it all out for them - show them statements and bills and try to make them understand that your 'control freak' behaviour is a real concern about lack of money and an attempt to sort out the overspending. Do it a way that pretends you are asking for their help because they are obviously better at budgeting than you are Maybe if the money situation were sorted out or he could see a clear solution he might start behaving better. Fingers crossed.

aliasojo

paddy's_mum wrote: »

...... if he truly lacks the spherical objects .........

:rotfl: Will need to remember that phrase. So much more refined than simply lacking balls.

OP, I'm in agreement with those who think the matter with the 13 year old is only a symptom of a bad situation. He's not the cause, he's just a part.

At face value, it sounds very much as if your husband is not as committed to making the marriage work as he could be. Whether he knows this and doesn't care or whether he simply doesn't realise what to do to make things better, only you and he will know.

There's not many men who would willingly leave/stay away from a partner or child just to keep another child happy. It's an excuse.

jellyhead

Would relate help in this sort of situation?

meritaten

hun? your Oh sounds like my DILs dad (actually I shouldnt call him that as he ISNT a dad he is a sperm donor) he has gone from one relationship to another and its always the womans fault it doesnt work out. my DIL at the last count had three siblings and twenty three half siblings! he cannot make relationships work but always makes a few babies then leaves blaming the woman! totally immature and in my view a waste of space!
sounds like your Oh is on this path and the sooner you get him out of your life the better! btw - it sounds like your stepson has finally clued up about his dad and is hurting badly. be there for him even though he is giving you a hard time - he will come through that and appreciate you.