Stepson controlling behaviour

worriedmumof4_2

I have been married to my husband for nearly a year and we have a 9 month old daughter, I have 3 other children (2 of them have moved out, so its just my 14 yr old son who lives with us), hubby has 3 children, 13, 10 and 6. We have been together for nearly 3 yrs. My husband walked out on us a couple of weeks ago, his 13 yr old had stopped wanting to see him and put my husband in quite a difficult emotional situation. He hates me, and his 9 month old little sister and is refusing to see him and talks to him with such attitude on the phone. My husband came back the next day but had rung his 13 yr old to tell him he had walked out, his son was happy bout this and the next day when we talked and sorted us out, his son was fuming at him, basically saying that only his happiness should count and my husband should not be happy, my husband also walking away from his little sister will make him happy. My husband said the other day that our 9 month old would not remeber him if he was to leave, and he dosent want to upset his son anymore.
My husband and his ex-wife were already split when we got together, she has been in her relationship for around 3 years.
I want to try and sort all this out, but he is refusing to talk, his other 2 children follow their brother, so if he dosent come to see his dad they dont either.
I hope all this has made sense, Thank you for reading.

BitterAndTwisted

It doesn't sound to me like the real issue is the 13 year-old's controlling behaviour but perhaps your husband's apparent willingness to be controlled. Why would a grown man appear to tolerate being dictated to by a mere schoolkid?

I suspect there's a great deal more to this situation than what you have described.

Perhaps for the time being your husband should spend the time with his other children on his own without you in tow?

RadoJo

I agree that your stepson can only control your husband's behaviour if he lets him, so perhaps it's not quite as cut and dried as it may seem from your OP, or even to you from your perspective.
Had your stepson been this unhappy about the situation for a long time, or has this blown up recently? I can only assume that something else has triggered this scenario from your step son's point of view, perhaps something that made him feel as though he has no control over his life and made him want to exert control in whatever areas he can.

I would be astonished if your husband would leave you over this issue alone unless there was something else going on - are lines of communication open with your husband or have you reached a bit of a dead end as far as talking things through are concerned?

louise3965

That poor boy, his life must feel completely out of control and he is desparately trying to claw his dad back. I feel so sorry for him, he must wonder where he fits into this new family even if to you, its obvious. He's a child whose family is split and that is very, very hard and only patience and time and reassurance will mend this situation I think.

worriedmumof4_2

Thank you for the replies, Its great to see things from other peoples perspectives, My husband is really worried that his son will not want anything to do with him, I have not seen his kids since July, as they only came around then to get their birthday money. My husband has been seeing them at their home, which I agree with as he should keep up contact with them. Hubby also has issues with his parents, they also dont like me, I know that he goes around there every morning before work and moans about me, so they are going to see that. His parents sorted him out a flat when he walked out, I think he thinks if he had his own flat his son will come around to see him, and everything will be rosy. We also have alot of money issues, debt being mostly his, but if he had his own flat money would be better for him, and his parents and his son will be happy. His son is used to getting his own way and my hubby has always made it clear that he is the favourite.

RadoJo

On the one hand, I admire your husband for doing whatever it takes to maintain contact with his son, however if it comes at the expense of contact with your daughter, then it's obviously not a sustainable situation.

Has he got a long-term plan? It sounds as though his decision to leave is a knee jerk reaction to the situation with his son, but have you actually been able to talk through how he thinks this will all work over the next month/six months/year with this living arrangement?

Can you break down the problems into a clear list of major issues and put in a plan of action to tackle them? E.g a plan to manage the debt so you can both see the progress being made; a proper sit down with his son to try and sort out what he actually wants, rather than being involved in this stand-off which seems to have developed; an attempt to reconcile with his parents - everybody needs someone to vent to, but if you already have problems with them, then him always talking about the negatives can't help, so starting to be more positive would be a good step.

I can't help thinking that your husband seems to have a lot on his plate, so this is probably the worst time to cut himself off from the people that can help him with it all i.e you! If you can be proactive, demonstrate to him how you can support him and help make his situation better from every angle, then maybe he will start to realise that his current approach really isn't a long term solution to any of his problems and be able to think about things a little more rationally.

pinkclouds

Obviously all children think their world revolves around them and their parents are there to look after them and make them happy and content and so on. It's not on for the situation to affect the new baby. However, there would be nothing wrong in assuring the boy that his dad will always be his dad no matter how many full/half/step-siblings he acquires and, if he wants, he can have just 1-to-1 time with his dad indefinitely and he doesn't have to see anyone else during his own special time.

I think (knowing very few of the facts) that he is probably jealous of his new sibling and resents losing yet another slice of dad's time. I only have two little ones and I still have to say to them that they have to share their dad (or me, depending on who they're after at the time). Tbh, I don't expect an adult perspective on the situation until the kid reaches his 20s. It's the nature of children to be childish.

meritaten

may I say that from your stepsons perspective - his DAD walked out on HIM! and left him with YOU! that must hurt! regardless of his relationship with you. he may blame his sibling for this believing that if it was just him then dad would have taken him with him? who knows? he is a teen fgs! difficult enough age without having what sounds like a totally immature father.

Savvy_Sue

meritaten wrote: »

may I say that from your stepsons perspective - his DAD walked out on HIM! and left him with YOU! that must hurt! regardless of his relationship with you. he may blame his sibling for this believing that if it was just him then dad would have taken him with him? who knows? he is a teen fgs! difficult enough age without having what sounds like a totally immature father.

I read the first post to mean that 13 yo and 2 siblings live with their mum, not the OP, but they had stopped wanting to see their dad.

Mind you I wouldn't disagree with the immature comment, if it's true that this man goes to his parents every morning to moan about his wife. If there's a problem, surely it's best to sort it out with the person who can do something about it, and parents can't usually sort a marriage out ...

paddy's_mum

It's your husband who is being the child in all this. When things get tough, he runs away in some shape or form.

I'm afraid I'd tell him to stay gone if he truly lacks the spherical objects to resist telling tales against you to his already hostile parents, can't or won't tell the son that blackmail doesn't work, favours one child over all the others and seems unable to deal with the realities of his life.

Hope you can get it all sorted out, but with the best will in the world, when an entire family is beng manipulated by the desire of a weak man to give in to the machinations of only one cog in the family wheel, it looks pretty hopeless to me. (Edit to add - I've been in your shoes with my own stepson and his over-indulgent father and I can speak from experience, more's the pity. Eventually, the failure to stand up for and defend the other members of the family causes real and lasting damage to the marriage.)

sashadesade

paddy's_mum wrote: »

It's your husband who is being the child in all this. When things get tough, he runs away in some shape or form.

I'm afraid I'd tell him to stay gone if he truly lacks the spherical objects to resist telling tales against you to his already hostile parents, can't or won't tell the son that blackmail doesn't work, favours one child over all the others and seems unable to deal with the realities of his life.

Hope you can get it all sorted out, but with the best will in the world, when an entire family is beng manipulated by the desire of a weak man to give in to the machinations of only one cog in the family wheel, it looks pretty hopeless to me. (Edit to add - I've been in your shoes with my own stepson and his over-indulgent father and I can speak from experience, more's the pity. Eventually, the failure to stand up for and defend the other members of the family causes real and lasting damage to the marriage.)

Couldn't agree more - it's the husband who's the problem in all this, not the boy. You can't blame a child for acting out in a situation like this, but as an adult his father should be taking control of the situation. His answer is to dump the OP and their child since she's 'too young to remember him'? I wouldn't want to be with a man who thinks that's any kind of solution!