Is my husband entitled to my house?

DigitalJedi

OP, it sounds like you have totally different approaches to money. In any relationship there's a spender and a saver. However, usually not as extreme a difference as you seem to be implying.

Personally I think you need to think long and hard if this is going to be something you can put up with forever. Wind on a few years. What if you have kids. Would you be happy either working whilst he was the stay at home parent (given you earn more)? Would you worry that whilst he's at home, he's spending still whilst there's only one income?

I'm not advocating you split, don't think things are that bad yet. But unless one of you changes, I fear you could be just delaying the inevitable.

pimento

OrkneyStar wrote: »

I expect most people don't think they ARE marrying a loser, at the time!

It also depends on your definition of a loser.

ooohisay

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

If it all went pear shaped you could be left with a happy marriage, which seems to me to be more important than material goods.

I think that, traditionally, men have been the ones to take the financially responsible role but, as a feminist, i can see no reason why role reversal wouldn't work as long as people don't resent it.

Why do you keep thinking its about me earning more than him? I have made it so clear that its not! and I've made it clear that I am not materialistic and that I love him. I am just frustrated that we are both meant to be 30 something adults and we have take some responsibility for ourselves. Won't be a very happy marriage if we are living in a cardboard bloomin box eating out of dustbins because he couldn't get a bit responsible with his money. I think you are being totally blinded by your so called feminist opinions and clearly have very fairytale views about marriage! So stop preaching on this post if you can't be bothered to read them properly or come up with some constructive advice like most of the other posters have. Thanks (not) x

OrkneyStar

pimento wrote: »

It also depends on your definition of a loser.

Oh yes of course- actually I don't like that word tbh, but you know what I mean. Noone (or few people in marriages of choice) marry thinking 'this will all go wrong'!

Mrs_Imp

ooohisay wrote: »

Why do you keep thinking its about me earning more than him? I have made it so clear that its not! and I've made it clear that I am not materialistic and that I love him. I am just frustrated that we are both meant to be 30 something adults and we have take some responsibility for ourselves. Won't be a very happy marriage if we are living in a cardboard bloomin box eating out of dustbins because he couldn't get a bit responsible with his money. I think you are being totally blinded by your so called feminist opinions and clearly have very fairytale views about marriage! So stop preaching on this post if you can't be bothered to read them properly or come up with some constructive advice like most of the other posters have. Thanks (not) x

No point in being rude because someone has a different opinion to you is there!

I have met a couple who live in a tent because things went pear-shaped in their lives. They are as happy (if not happier) than some couples I have met who live in nice houses. They are currently planning a wedding. Their happiness is based on the fact that they are together. As far as I'm concerned, I could be living in a box and that'll be home for me as long as DH is there. Maybe you think that's a bit fairytale, but I think it's love.

You need to separate out your issues a bit. Are you happy with him? Do you love him? How important is money to the relationship?

Once you've figured out if you love him enough to stick by him whatever happens, then you can start to look at ways of compromising on the money. Maybe he can get some kind of 'pocket money' so that he can still buy his gadgets, but not to such an extent that the money he spends makes you uncomfortable.

DH buys gadgets all the time, because we're young with no responsibilities apart from us. I spend money on my car and on shoes. If we have children I know that will change.

January20

Mrs_Imp wrote: »

No point in being rude because someone has a different opinion to you is there! I don't think the OP is being rude. I think that she is getting frustrated because she is concerned about the financial of things and people keep telling her that if she loves her husband it doesn't matter. It's like everyone is looking at life through rose tinted glasses. It just takes quick read of the DFW forum to realise the impact of debts on people's lives and relationships.

I have met a couple who live in a tent because things went pear-shaped in their lives. They are as happy (if not happier) than some couples I have met who live in nice houses. They are currently planning a wedding. Their happiness is based on the fact that they are together. As far as I'm concerned, I could be living in a box and that'll be home for me as long as DH is there. Maybe you think that's a bit fairytale, but I think it's love. Honestly, how ever much you loved him, would you be happy living in a tent, because of your partner ways with money? Imagine you had worked hard for many years, saved and been careful, been responsible and because of his recklessness you had lost every bit of security. I find it difficult to believe this concept of love conquer all, because there is too much evidence that it doesn't

You need to separate out your issues a bit. Are you happy with him? Do you love him? How important is money to the relationship?

Once you've figured out if you love him enough to stick by him whatever happens, then you can start to look at ways of compromising on the money. Maybe he can get some kind of 'pocket money' so that he can still buy his gadgets, but not to such an extent that the money he spends makes you uncomfortable.

DH buys gadgets all the time, because we're young with no responsibilities apart from us. I spend money on my car and on shoes. If we have children I know that will change.

And that is the difference between you and the OP's husband: Should you have children, you would change your spending habits. I think the OP is having doubts at to whether her husband would change at all.

NAR

OrkneyStar wrote: »

I expect most people don't think they ARE marrying a loser, at the time!

The following immediately came to mind "Love is blind!" How often that saying turns out to be true!

Oldernotwiser

ooohisay wrote: »

Why do you keep thinking its about me earning more than him? I have made it so clear that its not! x

In the post I replied to I didn't say anything about the fact that you earn more than he does, if you'd bothered to read my post I spoke about "taking on the responsible financial role" and by that I meant being the person who's in charge of the budgeting and financial planning.

Having been happily married for over 20 years with some very hard financial times I can only say that a happy marriage is priceless. I can't see how I can be both a hard headed feminist and also someone with fairy tale views of marriage!

Either you love the guy (for better or worse, remember), in which case you accept his faults, or you don't, in which case you're better leaving him to find happiness elsewhere.

ellay864

I have a lot of sympathy, or maybe more like empathy, with the OP. My house was bought my myself and XH. After we divorced the house is entirely in my name, and we hve an unwritten agreement that 'his' share of the house would go to my kids. My OH is fine with this, and we've agreed that when we marry my will will have it stated that while he can live in the house after my death, if he dies it goes to my kids and if he chooses to sell then its a 3 way split between him and my 2 DSs. Basically I'm trying to protect their share of it, rather than have a situation where after his death it could all go to his kids. We'd do the equivalent in his will so the share of his mums house that he'll get (assuming she dies before we do) would end up with his kids and not mine. So death is sorted OK!
But it does bother me a bit about what happens IF we get divorced...note big IF, we're not even married yet, I'm not assuming we will divorce, I certainly have no doubts about marrying him. But having seen what I thought was a perfect strong marriage collapse on me before I take nothing for granted now. I earn more than my OH and have spent most of our 6 years together helping clear his massive debts. The house is in my name, I make all payments and pay all of the bills, and pay for most of the day to day stuff, as most of his money is taken up in loan repayments etc. I don't begrudge what I've done, we are a partnership, but I'm very aware that as much of the money so far has been diverted to bailing him out, there's no way I'd want to lose out and jeopardise what my kids could get if things did go wrong. I hate the thought that he could walk out, be financially MUCH better off while I'm counting the cost. I accept his faults, I accept he's useless with money though has improved a hell of a lot, I love the guy and do intend that we stay til death us do part. But having gone through what I have in the past I can't just ignore those 'what ifs'

djbum_syd

I used to work in the mortgage department at a certain building society. And the way it used to be (that I was told) was that if your name wasn't on the mortgage/deeds, then you had no right to the house.
Then it became if that person could prove they had paid anything towards the mortgage.
This was about 4 years ago, so I can't say this all still stands. But thought I'd share what I was told, incase that could help in anyway.
Hope you sort it soon!