Should I just back down?

Brighton_belle

OP I totally agree with sassy blue and others
Well done for taking the decision to only spend time with people who are uplifting company. I took this decdion quite a long tme ago myself. And that includes limiting the time with my OH's mother I'm afraid for not disimilar reasons.
I would stick to your guns and not go.

EDIT: great post belfast with very good ideas

Threebabes

Hi

Again I am with the majority who say stick to your guns and dont go. Let him be in the huff, he will get over it.

Its not as if you are saying to him not to go.

Enjoy the peace!

x

AnotherName

Belfast Girl - that post was so good, wish I could thank you 100 times

I totally agree family is family, and whatever happens you dont just cut contact. I wouldn't allow him to demand I don't see my parents. At the same time I have said to him this morning I just want him to understand how I feel, and when I said am I totally alone he said yes. Refused to talk to me and said he will go on his own. This is after I offered to drive seperately so I can say I need to run an errand and leave a bit earlier.

Brighton Belle - I feel for you being in the same position, but you sound as if you have been strong and its working alot better. I have worked so hard to get better, its just such a knock back when he wont even just give me a hug and tell me to ignore it xxx

Errata

Are yu able to understand that NOBODY but you can control your emotions ? If you can, then you'll realise that it doesn't matter too much what your MIL says or does you control your emotional reactions to it. That can mean you can be unhappy, thoroughly cheesed off, or amused by what she says and does - it's your choice.
Many mums have a favourite who can do no wrong, in my family we call him the Crown Prince and laugh about it, and also have someone they will blame and scapegoat for everything they can think of.
It sounds like your OH wants his mum to care about him in the same way as she does his brother. That's unlikely to happen, and if you can help him to understand and accept that he will be a lot more content with the situation.
You can't change your MIL, but you can control how you react to her and if you do that you will find you will be far more content about her.
Only you can know what the repercussions and implications of going to see her or staying away might be. I think if you take a firm grasp of who you are, you will be less likely to allow others to dictate your feelings. Good luck

scottishminnie

Stick to your guns anothername. It's so not worth making yourself miserable. I had a similar situation with MIL and for the first 12 years of my marriage did everything I could as I was terrified DH would think I didn't make enough effort. The truth was he didn't want to face up to a conforntation with her.
To cut a long story short things came to a head and he was forced to deal with it, thankfully he saw her true colours and was pretty ashamed of what I'd been through prior to this.

I haven't had any contact with MIL for the last 8 years, DH makes occasional visits, and whilst it's certainly not the way I would have wanted the relationship to be I don't feel constantly on edge like I did before. When I look back now it certainly affected the early part of our marriage and if I could turn back the clock I'd bring it to a head sooner as life has been 100% better since.

I'm not suggesting any kind of confrontation but if you have the option to stay away then I would certainly take it. You're not drawing battle lines, simply giving yourself some space and if her attitude changes in the future the door is still open.

Take care:)

belfastgirl23

Well I think you have to leave things alone for a while just now, this is obviously a 'hot button' topic for your DH and he's going to have to cool off a bit before you can really have things out with him. So for now I guess you just have to let him go on and tell him you'll talk to him later. Not nice but you don't really have a choice here.

From how he's behaving he knows you're right and is in denial about it. Or at least that's my reading of it.

When he's calmed down a bit, i think you should say that you'd really like to talk properly about this. Then say 'you know that I find visiting your mum difficult sometimes but I understand how much it means to you and I want to support you so can we please try to find a way to make this work'. I don't think you can go into detail about his mum being toxic because this will divert the conversation away from what you need to talk about. If he gets cross or upset or insists that you start listing out the ways his mum is awful (so he can defend her!) refuse to do so. Just stick to the fact that you find it upsetting sometimes and that he has been aware of this before. And that you want to find a way to make this work. It might take a couple of goes but if you set the tone as reasonable then eventually he will come around to it.

The very worst thing you can do is get into a discussion of her merits and faults. You can acknowledge that there are reasons why she behaves as she does (no doubt he has a list of them, difficult childhood or whatever) and that you do understand this but you still find it upsetting.

Don't lose your rag, don't call her names, don't remind him of all the awful things she's done to you and to him. She's his mum and he doesn't want to hear them. And they're burnt on his brain anyway so you don't need to. Focus on you and your feelings and the fact that you accept that she needs to be a part of your life and therefore you want to find a way through this.

I really hope you can find a way around it!

pigpen

Enjoy your time alone.. could you go for coffee with a friend/ visit someone who enriches your life?

My ex-MIL was not a positive influence in my life either so I stopped going..

When he comes home upset by something she has said simply reply.. 'i don't want to know.. that is why I didn't come with you!!!'

londoner1998

AnotherName wrote: »

Hello everyone,

I apologise, but am using a new identity in the hope I prevent being spotted. I just really need some advice as I cant go through life like this.

I made a promise to myself recently after being incredibly down to not be near people that make me feel this way. Only doing things that helped me get back to a happier place.

I have tried and tried to keep my mouth shut, but this morning I couldnt. I do not want to visit my MIL this weekend. She always makes snide comments, nothing myself or husband say makes her happy, and her other son is the absolute best thing in the world. In which we have to endure. It comes out in so many ways in which I do not want to be too specific in case. There are things that have really hurt me and my husband. I just totally begrudge it has to be like this, and really do not want to send my depression back to being bad.

So, this morning I explained how I did not want to be put in that position (have spoke alot about this in the past). He basically now wont talk to me as today he has decided he has no gripes with them. Even though the amount of times he has got upset and been angry about what has been said. He doesnt want me to go, and well, I dont want to give her more ammunition to hate me and put me down.

What shall I do? Feel like second best with my husband and like a bit of dirt on his parents shoes.

OP
Been there myself, with my MIL's 2nd husband, about a year and a half ago. Like you, every time I was around him I ended up in a corner in tears and the third time it happened, I promised myself never to put myself in that position again; I was grieving for my beloved father and this man's insensitive and belittling comments made me feel I was going backwards instead of forwards. What were supposed to be happy reunions always ended up with tears in another room so not to upset the rest of the family or my OH. Every time.
Anyway, your situation is almost exact as mine- after many arguments, I had to explain I wasn't able or willing to be reduced to tears every time this man crossed the door- so I had to explain to my OH that if his mum and her husband were to come to our home, I would make myself scarce. Or even better, they could have gatherings elsewhere, he was free to go, but I would make my excuses. I got a lot of bad press because of it, but I stood my ground. A year later, my depression was lifting and I was able to be gracious to him in a family gathering, to everyone's surprise and praise- they could see crystal clear who was in the wrong.
I would say, if you don't want to go, don't go. Is your OH's family so he won't understand straight away, but you don't need him to, at this stage- you just need him to respect your position.
Good luck , it is a very difficult situation.

Charlie1978

pigpen wrote: »

Enjoy your time alone.. could you go for coffee with a friend/ visit someone who enriches your life?

My ex-MIL was not a positive influence in my life either so I stopped going..

This!

Same happened with hubby and me with his parents. I could do no right and he could do no right. In the end they completely alienated me and I just said to my hubby 'I obviously wouldn't get in the way of you and your family but I just cannot deal with this any more. I've tried and tried until I am blue in the face and it simply isn't good enough. I won't be attending any more gatherings or be here if they come around. I won't give you any grief and will listen unbiased if you need an ear to bash. But for the love of god, please don't ask me to be around them anymore as it is deeply upsetting and life is too short for this'.

3 years have passed since this conversation. They haven't changed. He see's them on occasion but nothing like he used to. I've listened at times and remained unbiased as i'm not directly there. I've offered advice and listened to his rants. It was easier with no direct contact with them. Never once did I say 'well you know what they are like' or 'you keep going back for more'. I was supportive. They are his family at the end of the day and you can't choose your family.

He isn't happy as the lesser contact with them shows but I am extremely happier. And we, as a couple came out stronger. I didn't make him choose and he respected me for that.

It can be a difficult situation if you allow it to be. Stick to your guns. Do not give in just because he's gone the 'silent treatment' route. If he wants to be childish, let him. Be the bigger person and wait for him to come to you. He'll then see how serious you are about it all.

Becles

Are you strong enough to fling it back in a matter of fact way so she looks stupid?

A relative would say things like my house was filthy and I would just say "well you can't expect to live in a show house with children and dogs running around."

or she would comment that I'm fat and I'd just say "aye, not many people are stick thin after having children."

She couldn't really respond to that and it just makes it obvious to others how nasty her comments were.

The comments were nasty as my house is a bit untidy as you would expect a family home to be, but it's certainly not filthy. I'm carrying a few extra pounds but I'm only size 14, so not exactly huge!