Should I just back down?

AnotherName

Hello everyone,

I apologise, but am using a new identity in the hope I prevent being spotted. I just really need some advice as I cant go through life like this.

I made a promise to myself recently after being incredibly down to not be near people that make me feel this way. Only doing things that helped me get back to a happier place.

I have tried and tried to keep my mouth shut, but this morning I couldnt. I do not want to visit my MIL this weekend. She always makes snide comments, nothing myself or husband say makes her happy, and her other son is the absolute best thing in the world. In which we have to endure. It comes out in so many ways in which I do not want to be too specific in case. There are things that have really hurt me and my husband. I just totally begrudge it has to be like this, and really do not want to send my depression back to being bad.

So, this morning I explained how I did not want to be put in that position (have spoke alot about this in the past). He basically now wont talk to me as today he has decided he has no gripes with them. Even though the amount of times he has got upset and been angry about what has been said. He doesnt want me to go, and well, I dont want to give her more ammunition to hate me and put me down.

What shall I do? Feel like second best with my husband and like a bit of dirt on his parents shoes.

sassyblue

Hi anothername,

I think your hubby doesn't want to face the fact that you are actually going to do something about the situation, if he goes alone to visit MIL it'll be him on his own putting up with her misery and he doesn't want that. TBH l'd ignore his ignoring you and stick to your guns, be polite but firm the situation MUST change and he has to face that or help in the change.

I absolutely back you in cutting the crap out of your life, NOBODY has the right to treat you like dirt so MIL is going to have to learn to respect you or she can wallow in the idolisation of her other son alone.

She has two sons, she should treat them both the same!

Good luck.

balletshoes

If you need to be away from your MIL to help you get healthy, then as far as I'm concerned, thats the end of the puzzle - you don't go. I don't see how you going, when your husband doesn't want you to anyway, and so obviously there will be a strained atmosphere during your vist, will improve anything.

I think you do need to try to talk to your husband about it though, try to explain calmly why you feel you're not able to visit at the moment. If he still wants to sulk about it, fair enough, you can't control his emotions.

newcook

agree with the others - why go and be made to feel like crap and be belittled when you dont have to go?!

take some time out for you and do something you want to do - if MIL asks OH why you arent there he can eitehr say you are busy or he can grow a pair and tell her the truth!!

AnotherName

Bless you thanks SassyBlue, that is really sweet.

It is sad as I do really like her when we are not put down and made to feel like nothing we do is good enough. Even idolised brother's wife has come to me about how bad it is.

I wont chase husband about this then, but, what should I do about visiting? Will it make it worse if I don't go?

I do feel sorry for hubby as I feel deep down he wants acceptance and thinks that being her puppy dog will make this happen. It doesn't, it really doesn't.

Just had a little cry outside as I feel so alone about this xxx

AnotherName

Thanks NewCook and BalletShoes

He will never grow balls at all, and it upsets me he has sided with them over an allegation that affected both of us but wasnt true. I defended us and went to the car, and waited for him. He was an hour

I just dont want her to have more ammunition if I dont go xxx

pinkclouds

I don't see why you can't stay home and your hubby can visit his mom on his own. It's not right to force you to spend time with people who make you miserable. It's also not right to come between parent and child. Leave it as it is. (Hubby and his brother is a separate issue, for them and their mom to resolve.)

gratefulforhelp_2

You married him, you didn't marry his mother. Its not a crisis where he needs your support, so she's his to deal with.

diable

Stay at home and pamper yourself whilst the other half is at his Mum's to make you feel good, you can then use this as "me" time every time he visit his Mum.

belfastgirl23

Ok first of all on the thread title - i don't think considering this as a 'backing down' issue is helpful

I think you and your DH need to find a way through this together. I totally understand where you're coming from on this. It's horrible being around toxic people.

But at the same time family is family and you're effectively asking your DH to choose between you and them. That's also a horrible position to be in. And to be fair to you, it doesn't sound like he's handling it particularly well. Keep in mind that she's his mum and that no matter what, he loves her. Even when she's horrible.

My feeling on these things is that you can't change how other people are. This is who your MIL is and your choices are about how you can cope with it. And not seeing her is definitely one choice. But if it's upsetting your husband, is it really the right choice? Are there other options? EG going but limiting your stay. Going but limiting how often you see her (eg once a month for 2 hours and he can visit in between if he wants). And when you're there just keeping in your head that she's an unhappy person and you're better than that and are not going to let her affect how you feel. In a way, taking the stance you are doing is letting her 'win' IMHO because it drives a wedge between you and DH.

In your shoes I'd go to him and say, I can see how much this means to you and I'm prepared to support you in it. But could we compromise and be sure and leave at 2pm?

No one can put you down without your permission. If you know that she's an unpleasant and toxic person then you need to build a shell around you and tell yourself that what she thinks DOES NOT MATTER.

Lots of luck!

balletshoes

AnotherName wrote: »

He will never grow balls at all, and it upsets me he has sided with them over an allegation that affected both of us but wasnt true. I defended us and went to the car, and waited for him. He was an hour

I just dont want her to have more ammunition if I dont go xxx

See that would seriously put the tin lid on it for me - he had you waiting an hour in the car outside MILs house? I wouldn't be going back, it just sounds like thats the preferrable option for everyone involved, including you and your OH.

Edited to add - yep, Belfast Girl makes a lot of sense too.