Feel brother not doing his share re 82year old mother

jellyhead

jellyhead wrote: »

I bet she'd love the limo ... but if your brother and SIL don't want to include her in that, what about her staying the night with you? You could collect her earlier in the day, then all of you go to and from the party in a taxi, then you drive her home the following day?

Sorry, I forgot to add that your SIL seems to have been quite sly in ignoring your text

And, seeing as it's a 30th birthday party I am guessing that the daughter doesn't live with them, or even if she does that's no reason for them not to think of your mum ... so maybe THEY could have your mum overnight My suggestion above might be too hard on you, I don't know much about arthritis but it doubles your journey over 2 days doesn't it, having her at your house.

Or you could offer to bring her if he sorts out getting her home again ....

betti911

From reading your posts about your mother it sounds like you are indulging her helplessness, your brother isn't. Re your SIL I know that I wouldn't take my future MIL in your situation to a party as she's not my responsibility.... that would be up to my fiance and his sisters.

If you haven't got the time/patience/energy to take her to the party then don't, get a taxi, tell her to make her own arrangements and let her make her own way. It sounds harsh but I believe that there's no point helping someone if you'll eventually resent them for it.

margaretclare

I agree with betti911. Maybe this occasion, family birthday, party etc, could be the catalyst. Maybe it's high time you backed off, stopped running around after your mother and thought more of your own needs. There used to be an old saying, something to the effect that 'the more you do, the more others will let you do'.

Obviously it would be different if Mum was really infirm and actually needed all this running around, taking her on holiday, taking her out, pandering to her wish not to use the phone. And what's all this 'not wanting to be alone in a taxi'? Many older people around here take taxis into town - they do that because they're a bit too infirm to walk to the bus stop. If they worried about not being alone in the taxi then they'd never go anywhere, and if they didn't use the phone they wouldn't communicate with anyone for any purpose.

Savvy_Sue

My mum can struggle a bit in a taxi because she can't hear at all well, what she really resents is paying for it! She prefers to use the Volunteer Car Service in their area, although it's not always available and has to be booked well in advance.

If the taxi was pre-booked and picked up first her, then you, and if the driver knew your mum was possibly nervous about the journey, especially on the way home, you'd probably find the taxi company couldn't be nicer about it.

But you have to spell out what you will and won't do.

We could potentially have a similar situation on a regular basis: one of my siblings lives very close to Mum, and often offers to host family occasions. However I make it very clear that I don't expect this, or that they will run round picking Mum up either to go there or if we're going somewhere else. All I need to know is: who is willing and able to do what? I can't usually pick Mum up because I don't have space in the car, another sibling is in the same situation, so that leaves three others. I ask, and wait for the offers. If I don't get them, I ask again.

As I said, my sibling OFFERS to host family occasions, and declines offers of help on the day. That's their choice, and I don't like it when they then moan about it.

Another often says "I suppose I shall have to pick Mum up," when actually they don't HAVE to: if they are offering that's great, but if they don't want to someone else could. I can't be dealing with a martyr complex!

And my mother also drives me demented by refusing to wait for us to sort it out and then TELL her who's picking her up: she starts asking the one who doesn't really want to do it (prefers to travel by bike), she asks me if I know who's going to do it a month before hand, even for my Dad's funeral she was flapping about it - as if we'd leave her to get a taxi for that! I prefer to wait until it's all organised, she wants it organised last week.

So if your Mum also assumes that you will sort everything out, you may need to educate her, gently, to do some of her own sorting out. And if you want your brother to do more, you could encourage your mother to ASK him, and you could encourage him to OFFER. What isn't pretty is feeling hard done by and not doing much about it.

red_devil

How horrible people not wanting to help their parents. I expect these people expect their mum to run them around when they were younger. You've seen the signs havent you mums taxi!

I think its horrible. I hope the old lady dosent know about it and i hope someone can get her to the party. Who knows it may be the last party she attends.

if she suddenly passed away before the party everyone would be really sad and wish they had got off their backside and helped.

I think its horrible.

melancholly

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

M
Another often says "I suppose I shall have to pick Mum up," when actually they don't HAVE to: if they are offering that's great, but if they don't want to someone else could. I can't be dealing with a martyr complex!

self inflicted martyrdom is also a problem in my family.... drives me nuts! mind you, you also reach a point where it isn't even worth asking as you know someone will have an excuse.... there ends up being a fine line between resenting people for what they won't do or for what you think they won't do - which is different.

families..........!

Mojisola

I think some of you may be underestimating the effects of aging on people. I found my parents were fine doing everything and were very independent past the age of 80 but they have gradually become less capable in recent years. As most people age, their brains don't work so well, their memory isn't so good and they often slow up and have aches and pains.

My parents now won't do things on their own that they used to do because they don't feel able to cope with the "what if" factor. They don't feel confident that they would be able to cope if anything goes wrong. I know how they feel because when I was ill with M.E., I didn't function well and found that something unexpected happening was beyond my ability to cope. It can be quite distressing when you find yourself unable to deal with situations that you know you'd have managed all your adult life.

It may be that some of these older people are trying it on to get the family running around after them but others may really be feeling a lot less confident about their ability to deal with the unexpected. It can make them feel very insecure.

Whenever our elder generation are asked to family events, they are treated as "honoured guests", not just some other invitee. We would always make sure that travel arrangements were made that they were happy with and would make sure they were looked after during the event. We value their presence and want them to have a good time.

Julieg

THanks again for all your comments.

I think maybe I didn't explain the situation well enough as it's not just about this party. It's the assumption by my mother that I'll sort it out for her, and by my brother (and my SIL, who is the spokesperson in their relationship) that it's for me to get her there. This isn't just on this occasion - it's all the time.


I do realise that a lot of this is probably my own fault for not telling her to do stuff herself.

margaretclare - I think you've hit the nail on the head as my mother is helpless and negative. When we got the invitation I told her that she was welcome to come with me if she was stuck but that I was going to just text my bro and SIL to say that I and my 2 boys would be coming by taxi as I thought I'd leave the ball in his and my mother's court regarding getting there. Now she's getting shirty because nobody is arranging things for her and is saying that she's not going because they never bother with her. She could easily get the bus up to my house and then come in the taxi with me. They're texting me for me to arrange to bring her without having spoken to her to actually see if she's coming.

betti911 - yes I think I have indulged her helplessness but my brother is as well because he's trying to get me to do it. If he wasn't then he would just leave her to get to the party - he and my SIL wouldn't be texting me to go and get her.

Savvy_Sue - I have tried to get her to ask my brother to do things but she won't.

red devil - It's not about not wanting to help my mother but she wants me to do everything. I take her out 2 or 3 times a weeks, have taken her on holiday twice this year, was down at her house yesterday re-attaching her aerial cable to her wall as it had come loose. A couple of weeks ago I put up flat back furniture for her. I arranged for her dog to go to kennels, even drove her there beforehand to look at the place. It's not horrible - I've been running around after her for years. I'm never on my backside because I dont' have the time.

Mojisola - I'm sure that you're right about people that have previously been independant but my mother has always been like this.

LisaLou1982

Not really got too much to add that others havent already said, but thought id put my situation forward.

Last year my dad died and left mum living in the house on her own. Dad had always paid all the bills etc. Mum did the shopping etc.

When funeral was over, i set about making sure mum was receiving all she was entitled to - (dad worked, mum doesnt. Not old, only just turned 60 so plenty of life left in her yet!!) and sorted out the bills. She suddenly turned into being completely dependant on me. Not opening letters so that i could sort them out when i came etc. This was fine at first, but when it got to the stage where she hadnt even sorted them out (forms requesting a bank statement for council tax benefit) i put her straight. I told her that this was completely unacceptable, and that i am NOT her carer - i am her daughter. I dont mind helping with anything, but im not prepared to sort things out if she couldnt even be bothered to try. This extended to setting up the freeview box (plugging in a scart lead is not difficult and considering shes set the timer on the video previously there was no excuse).

After this, it all seemed to settle itself out - she understands that im not going to do everything for her - shes 61 now, still in perfect health and has no frailties. Theres no reason why she cant do things for herself and as i live 20miles away im not going to come round at the drop of a hat for something silly. Dont get me wrong, im the only child and id do anything for mum, and if there was something she was genuinely worried about then id be there in a flash, but im not prepared to put my life on hold and cut into my own relaxation time for something that she can do herself.

Its a hard cycle to break though - im more of the blunt, say it how it is type, as i feel that this is the best way to get things out into the open. The main thing is not to turn it into a shouting match as then she'll feel like youre picking on her, and obviously thats not what you would be doing really.

Call her and tell her to book the taxi from her house to yours and then you can jump in with her. It will give her some independance to sort something out on her own for a change but wont be too scary

xx

Savvy_Sue

Julieg wrote: »

Now she's getting shirty because nobody is arranging things for her and is saying that she's not going because they never bother with her. She could easily get the bus up to my house and then come in the taxi with me. They're texting me for me to arrange to bring her without having spoken to her to actually see if she's coming.

Tell her whether she goes to the party or not is her choice, not yours. Tell her if she doesn't like the arrangements you are making, she can make her own or ask her son to make others. Tell your SIL to talk to your mother, not you.

Or nothing will change!