Feel brother not doing his share re 82year old mother

belfastgirl23

Well in the specific case that you mention I don't think it's a particularly big deal. If one family member is hosting a party it's reasonable to ask another member to bring along frail or elderly relatives since the host has all of the work of hosting. But if it's a bigger issue of your brother not taking responsiblity for your mum then that's worth dealing with.

The only thing I would say though is that this comes up in DH's family. His sister particularly has had shouting matches with him over not helping out enough with his parents. His view is that she benefits a lot from being so close to them (babysitting, meals cooked etc) and he has never asked them for a single thing in his adult life. Therefore she should do more for them. He also really doesn't like being told what to do Not saying this is the case for you but just offering it as an alternative way of looking at things in case it's useful.

**sorry cross posted*** but just to add, the other thing DH thinks is that at the end of the day his sister chooses to do a lot of stuff. It sounds to me like you're doing the same. Don't forget you have a choice not to make her phone calls etc but you are choosing to do it...

Could you give your mum a lift there but ask them to organise a taxi home for her?

Hope the party goes well.

Mojisola

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

just to add, the other thing DH thinks is that at the end of the day his sister chooses to do a lot of stuff. It sounds to me like you're doing the same. Don't forget you have a choice not to make her phone calls etc but you are choosing to do it...

While this is true and the one that does most of the caring could "choose" not to do stuff, that would leave the elderly parent without help. Luckily for most parents, there is at least one child who can't ignore the older generation's needs.

Julieg - you can try to get your brother to help but, to be realistic, you will probably find that it usually comes down to you.

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

While this is true and the one that does most of the caring could "choose" not to do stuff, that would leave the elderly parent without help. Luckily for most parents, there is at least one child who can't ignore the older generation's needs.

Julieg - you can try to get your brother to help but, to be realistic, you will probably find that it usually comes down to you.

I know what you mean, but the OP says her mother is physically and emotionally healthy, so I wonder how much help she 'needs' and how much she's just got used to or feels she deserves purely by virtue of age.

gratefulforhelp_2

Julieg wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]gratefulforhelp - you scared me for a minute with your first paragraph as I thought you were saying you were my sil!! You're way off the mark. My brother and sil have had more baby sitting from my mother than I ever have. It's very rarely that I ask her to babysit, and then only for a bit while I go to parents evening and I take her home afterwards. My brother used to dump his 2 on my mum all weekend when they were younger. I have my own car (my mother doesn't drive). She comes up here for meals (and I drive her home afterwards) - we don't go to her house. THerefore there's nothing for my brother and sil to forgive me for. If anything, it's on the other foot.[/FONT]

Not meaning to say that was the case for you. Just not wanting you to end up in a situation where you don't see them (and assuming you would want to).

balmaiden

I am in the same situation, elderly mother of 85, brother and sister-in- law who rarely visit. I am afraid you just have to get used to it, much as it is unfair and annoying. What is the alternative?

I would add that my Mother also is pretty fit and "with it", for her age but life does become a struggle as you get older, sometimes it is enough just to get yourself washed, dressed and fed without having to phone for taxis or whatever else is needed. I speak as someone who worked with the elderly for many years. I saw the difference it made to have a daughter/son/friend who helped.

red_devil

Julieg wrote: »

This is really bugging me so I thought I'd post on here to see what others think.

My mother is 82 and lives alone. I usually visit her 2 or 3 times a week to take her out etc and I've taken her on holiday with my children (5 and 8years old) etc. Although she's 82 she's heathly physically and mentally.

My brother on the other hand hardly bothers with her - probably goes up to see her maybe once every 2 months. Very rarely takes her out and has never taken her on holiday.

I live about 7 miles from her, he lives probably a couple of miles further than me.

Anyway his daughter is having a 30th birthday party at a pub that's the opposite direction to me from my mothers and they've invited me and my sons and my mother.

I texted my sister in law (don't have my bro mobile number) about 3 weeks ago to say that I and sons would be coming and asking if there would be anywhere at the venue to leave the boy's booster seats as I was planning on getting a taxi there so I could have a drink. On other occasions I've usually took the car so I could pick my mother up and take her home afterwards but fancied having a drink this time. Never got a reply.

Today I received this text from my sil- "Will you be able to take your mum to <daughter's bparty> cause I've booked a limo for her (her daughter) and we are all going with her".

Am I being unreasonable to expect my brother to have made arrangements for our mother to get to the party.

Thanks

why dont people just pick up the phone and speak saves all this text misunderstanding. She either didnt get your text or she is pretending that she didnt get it!

I hope your mum manages to get to the party somehow and enjoys herself.

jellyhead

I bet she'd love the limo ... but if your brother and SIL don't want to include her in that, what about her staying the night with you? You could collect her earlier in the day, then all of you go to and from the party in a taxi, then you drive her home the following day?

belfastgirl23

Mojisola wrote: »

While this is true and the one that does most of the caring could "choose" not to do stuff, that would leave the elderly parent without help. Luckily for most parents, there is at least one child who can't ignore the older generation's needs.

Julieg - you can try to get your brother to help but, to be realistic, you will probably find that it usually comes down to you.

To be fair his parents are in their 60s and capable of doing things for themselves, but given the choice they're happy for someone else to do stuff. He's concerned about learned helplessness, his sis keeps stepping in and doing things for them that they could perfectly well do for themselves, but then complaining that she's getting no help. may well be a different case as someone ages though...

margaretclare

Person_one wrote: »

On the very last part, no its not your brother's responsibility to get your mother to and from the party. You say she's physically and mentally healthy so I don't see why she isn't capable of getting herself there, whether that's a taxi, asking a family member for a favour or whatever.

I might be biased because I have an elderly relative (also healthy) who expects the world to revolve around her because she is past 70 and thinks she can abdicate responsibility for everything and the younger generations will deal with it. Not saying your mother is like that of course, but you know what I mean!

I too am 'past 70'. I would love to know how people such as you describe actually get the 'younger generations to deal with it'.

DH and I live at the other end of England from the nearest 'younger generations' so, we could expect and think all we like - it would not happen! The only time it did was 2 years ago when he was at death's door in Critical Care. Most of the time we learn about their doings on Facebook.

I agree that Mum should make her own arrangements, that's if she wants to go to this party. It's not as far as all that, not beyond the bounds of possibility.

margaretclare

[FONT=&quot]dixie dean - Yes she can get a taxi but she won't as she doesn't like using the phone, wouldn't like being on her own in the taxi etc. Basically she wants someone to run her life for her so she doesn't have to take any responsibility for herself.

Person-one - I think my mother does try and abdicate responsibility for everything. She won't make any decisions - it's always "I don't mind", "It's up to you" etc. It's only recently that she'll get the bus up to my house and that's because I've cut down driving due to having arthritis. Before that I used to go and get her in my car.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]

OP, now you've clarified the situation, I can't make any suggestions that would help. It's very hard for me to imagine a woman like this, although I have no doubt that such women do exist. The most helpless and negative ones I've come across seem to be the ones who've been in a long marriage where 'he' did everything, suggested everything, decided everything.

I just cannot comprehend it. I know 90-year olds who happily use the phone and Skype to talk to relatives on the other side of the world, will even get on a plane to go visit them! They come back happily saying 'oh it was easy, I just got a taxi to the airport and from then on, the airline staff treated me like porcelain and they couldn't have been kinder!'

Of course, the flip-side of all this is that if you take no responsibility for your own life, your own arrangements etc then you can always blame someone else for whatever goes wrong and you can appear 'squeaky-clean' yourself! There could be an advantage in being like that.
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