Feel brother not doing his share re 82year old mother

Julieg

This is really bugging me so I thought I'd post on here to see what others think.

My mother is 82 and lives alone. I usually visit her 2 or 3 times a week to take her out etc and I've taken her on holiday with my children (5 and 8years old) etc. Although she's 82 she's heathly physically and mentally.

My brother on the other hand hardly bothers with her - probably goes up to see her maybe once every 2 months. Very rarely takes her out and has never taken her on holiday.

I live about 7 miles from her, he lives probably a couple of miles further than me.

Anyway his daughter is having a 30th birthday party at a pub that's the opposite direction to me from my mothers and they've invited me and my sons and my mother.

I texted my sister in law (don't have my bro mobile number) about 3 weeks ago to say that I and sons would be coming and asking if there would be anywhere at the venue to leave the boy's booster seats as I was planning on getting a taxi there so I could have a drink. On other occasions I've usually took the car so I could pick my mother up and take her home afterwards but fancied having a drink this time. Never got a reply.

Today I received this text from my sil- "Will you be able to take your mum to <daughter's bparty> cause I've booked a limo for her (her daughter) and we are all going with her".

Am I being unreasonable to expect my brother to have made arrangements for our mother to get to the party.

Thanks

melancholly

i'd guess that if you don't have your brother's mobile number, there are a few more underlying issues....

families aren't usually fair - people don't always pull their weight (and also people don't see everything which doesn't help).

i'd just say that you weren't planning on picking her up and leave it as that! i wouldn't necessarily bring things to a head over a 30th party, but maybe at a later date try and talk about it. the only thing is that at this stage, it's unlikely to change and coming to terms with it might be more useful than trying to fight it (at least in my family, the useless ones who have never helped with things never will - it is very unfair and irritating, but they are the ones losing out on a relationship)

Meenu

Just text her back and explain that you have already made other arrangements.

dixie_dean_2

If your mum is fit can't she get a taxi?

Jinx

Cant they collect your mum in the limo? Im sure she'd love that

Person_one

On the very last part, no its not your brother's responsibility to get your mother to and from the party. You say she's physically and mentally healthy so I don't see why she isn't capable of getting herself there, whether that's a taxi, asking a family member for a favour or whatever.

I might be biased because I have an elderly relative (also healthy) who expects the world to revolve around her because she is past 70 and thinks she can abdicate responsibility for everything and the younger generations will deal with it. Not saying your mother is like that of course, but you know what I mean!

dixie_dean_2

It sounds like you have a decent relationship with the old girl so can you not explain you need a drink to tolerate your selfish brother and can she get a taxi? Or hire a well-trained monkey to get her on a tricycle.

gratefulforhelp_2

Um...I'm married to the brother in this situ, well not this situ but one very like. The only exception being DH lives 5 hrs from mum and SIL lives 5 min.

Early in our marriage she rang up shouting and screaming at DH because he had failed to 'phone his Ma while SIL on holiday. No malice, he just forgot. Consequently, we don't see much of SIL, she was forever ringing us saying "and you can have her to stay this week..."
SIL also feels the way you do, but takes soo much from MIL that DH doesn't e.g. using her car as though its hers, taking a meal off her once a week at least, using her as a babysitter et.c et.c

So tread carefully - your brother and SIL may be more forgiving than me, but still...

pigpen

My mother (1 of 6 'children') and one of her sisters were in a very similar situation with their mother.

My mother sorted all the nasty stuff and my aunt did the shopping/cleaning etc.. my uncle lived literally across the road and rarely visited though would do jobs if asked.. one of the others lived out of the country and 1 visited regularly but was unable to contribute physically due to his own problems the other didn't bother.. ever.. and when she was asked about it became all long suffering didn't have time blah blah..

A lot of it is a 'daughter' thing.. woman = caring sort = getson and does it... son = man = cannot see the obvious even when pointed out = will do nothing unless asked/nagged/bossed/held at gun point!.. to generalise.. though I am sure there are others who are completely opposite..

I don't think it is unreasonable for your brother to pick her up in the limo.. and have her stay at his overnight.. IF she would be willing..

Could she share a taxi with you? It can pick her up.. then you.. and do the same dropping you off.. you pay on the way there and she pays on the way back..

I am sure that would be the simplest solution here.

Your brother is a man.. if you want him to do something.. TELL HIM.. he won't think of it himself.. don't make floppy suggestions say ... I want you to do this.. (maybe worded in a slightly less confrontational manner maybe) .. it is maybe something that hasn't even entered his head.

swingaloo

Been there, got the T Shirt!!!!!!!

The problem is that if its usually you that collects mum and does other things for her it will be probably be taken for granted that you will be the one getting her to the party.

Ring the sister in law and casually say 'Have you forgotten that I sent you a text telling you that I wasnt driving'

Theres always those that 'do' and those who 'sit back and watch'. The thing is, as she gets older it will get more difficult and she is going to need far more help, and in turn so will you so its probably not worth making a fuss and causing animosity.

Julieg

[FONT=&quot]Thanks for all your replies - didn't expect so many.

I'll try and answer your comments as best I can.

dixie dean - Yes she can get a taxi but she won't as she doesn't like using the phone, wouldn't like being on her own in the taxi etc. Basically she wants someone to run her life for her so she doesn't have to take any responsibility for herself.

Jinx - not sure about this. Presumably not as they haven't mentioned it.

Person-one - I think my mother does try and abdicate responsibily for everything. She won't make any decisions - it's always "I don't mind", "It's up to you" etc. It's only recently that she'll get the bus up to my house and that's because I've cut down driving due to having arthritis. Before that I used to go and get her in my car.

gratefulforhelp - you scared me for a minute with your first paragraph as I thought you were saying you were my sil!! You're way off the mark. My brother and sil have had more baby sitting from my mother than I ever have. It's very rarely that I ask her to babysit, and then only for a bit while I go to parents evening and I take her home afterwards. My brother used to dump his 2 on my mum all weekend when they were younger. I have my own car (my mother doesn't drive). She comes up here for meals (and I drive her home afterwards) - we don't go to her house. THerefore there's nothing for my brother and sil to forgive me for. If anything, it's on the other foot.

pigpen - yes I could go and pick her up as I've done this every other time but just peed off that it's assumed that I will. It's the same with taking her shopping, inviting her up for meals, taking her on holiday, looking after her when she had an operation on her feet. It's all on me.


Don't get me wrong - I don't mind helping as she is my mother but not in a great place myself at the mo as stuggling with depression, stuck in a house with ex husband (haven't sold it yet) while he's out his women (he cheated on me that's why I divorced him) and trying to keep a brave face for my two sons. Just feel that it's another burden on me.[/FONT]