How do you heal a relationship?

Lalaladybird

Since our 2nd child was born (3 months ago) and my OH started a new job (that he hates) at around the same time things have been awful between us. Nothing either of us says is right and we are both really touchy and on the defensive. So we have taken to avoiding each other as much as possible apart from managing to fit in the odd dig at each other. I could list all the things my OH does that upsets/annoys me and most people would agree that he sounds awful but I'm sure he has plenty of things he would say about me too. I don't want any encouragement to leave because I think about it a LOT at the moment and I don't want to do anything hasty. I'm sure that we are just going through a really bad patch because we are under a lot of stress at home with the new baby. She is completely adorable but has reflux and colic and cries a lot and sleeps very little. I'm willing to make a huge effort to try to get things back on track but don't know where to start.

There is no violence/abuse/cheating/alcoholism/drug abuse in the relationship which is why I think it is worth making the effort.

Any ideas?

JoJoB

Poor you, the lack of sleep won't be helping matters!

The best suggestion I can make is to start treating your OH with the all the kindness, respect and love that YOU want to be treated with. Hopefully this will soften his own attitude and he will start to mirror your niceness.

Sometimes we have to make the first move ourselves in order to get the relationship back to how we want. It can be hard if your partner is being a piggy, but I truly believe this is the way forward in these situations.

go_cat

When my son was a baby he had colic and it caused no end of arguements between me and DH mainly out of frustration that neither of us could do anything to help him as he just used to cry, so i know exactly what you mean

the colic will get better mine at around 13 weeks old.

Can you set aside time for just the two of you get someone to babysit and just go for a walk or meal just to get you out the house

(((( hugs )))))

gonzo127

well first thing i would suggest is to stop avoiding each other, ask him to sit down together and LISTEN to what the other person has to say, it would probably be easier if you could get a baby sitter to have your wee one so you have no distractions

dont go in to this to have a go at all the things he has done that have upset you, but ask him if these is anything that you have been doing which is bugging him, or anything that has upset him or just anything that is worrying him or he is finding difficult and what you can do to help - yes he could do the same thing and come to you but since you are the one looking to make the first move it will be easier if you are the first one to listen to the others problems, this should in turn prompt him to ask you

the things that have stood out for me is
3 months since baby has arrived - this is a massive change in both of your life styles, probably more so for him since you had to get used to carrying a bump around before wee one was born so your life style will already have changed (always bring this up but try to remember the saying, a women is a mother from the moment of conception, a man is not a father untill he holds his baby - this is so true for so many dads and makes the reality sink in about his life)
no sleep - well everyone is grumpy when they get no sleep so tempers will be short
new job he hates - really this is not going to make anyone happy, and the people you take it out on are usually the ones closest to you

Kimberley82

This happened to my husband and I too. Its really hard. The thing that helped was a day at the beach with the kids, odd I know but it was such an amazing day it made us realise why we were doing it all, for our family. It wasnt a quick fix but it refocused us a bit.

Do you have a babysitter? Time alone with him will help. You need to remember why you wanted to be together in the first place, that can get lost when young babies are about and they drain you so much.

I really hope you can work this out

Kate78

Might be useful:

http://thecoupleconnection.net/

PS. You're not alone. My SIL to be found life very tough after no.2 was born. She thought she knew what she was letting herself in for since she'd already had a baby, but in her words "Having a child and children is a totally different proposition" !!! :eek:

Dave101t

remember why you fell in love with eachother in the first place, revisit what you did, what you liked etc.

ema_o

If you can't get a babysitter can you all go for a walk together? Not sure how old elder child is, but if they would both fall asleep it would be a good chance to talk. I always find that it allows us to clear the air if we are mad at each other.
You won't always feel as tired and stressed as you do now. My friends baby had reflux and she was in a similar state with her OH, barely talking to each other. I came over and cuddled the baby while she got a few hours sleep so if you have any friends who will do that get them involved (chances are most of your friends would if you ask them to). xx

pukkamum

I have always given the advice that if you do what you can to make each other happy, as opposed to what makes YOU HAPPY can go a long way to making a happy relationship.
Just the little things count a lot like making a cup of tea or coffee when the ohter looks weary. Or asking how a day has been. When you feel an argument brewing change how you deal with it, take a deep breath ask yourself how you can change the way you react to change the outcome.
I truly beleive if you start with yourself, saying a kind word, ignoring any sniping hopefully DH will follow your lead.

narabanekeater

I know I may sound odd but has your baby seen the GP regarding reflux/colic
The poster who said they usually grow out of it is right but almosy 3 year old still has it and has had it since birth. Medication makes him a lot more confortable. I really can remember getting an hours sleep a night and snapping at DH as I was so tired. The relief when the medication started to help was amazing. He takes 4 different meds now still and if he take them off of him hes a totally different child and sits and holds him tummy sobbing

gratefulforhelp_2

Hugs, honey. Two massive life events and no wonder you guys feel bad with sleep deprivation on top. When you can't sleep you can't think straight. Lots of good suggestions already.

get someone to sit with children so you can sleep - even an hour or two may make you better able to cope.
at the weekends, can you take turns with the kids to allow each other a couple of hours' sleep in the afternoons
can you take the children for a walk with your OH, a good way to talk nicely to each other with the pressure off
sometimes you have to act like you love him even if you're not feeling it at the moment, the feling will come back
tell him what you need rather than letting it fester, ask him what he needs
you both need to remember it won't last long, you'll be proud parents of teenagers in the blink of an eye

lots of luck xxx