Single parent & BF getting the balance right

mummy_Jay

We'll I'd been single for 6 years (since just before I found I was pregnant with my DS), no-one had been suitable til I found this wonderful new guy 3 months ago. Anyway my DS adores him, has even told him he wants him to marry me and to be his daddy. BF has a DS same age as mine and they get on great.

Anyway at the moment most of the time when bf comes round it's when ds is in bed but we do spend either sat or sun afternoon with him or sometimes both (sometimes with his ds too). This I thought was working until yesterday, when I got told my ds has broken a few of BF's DS toys (he has said sorry and that they were accidents) but anyway i had a chat with DS about it and he said he was sorry but also came out with he's missing having time just the 2 of us. (I feel so guilty now).

I will speak to BF about this as I feel I need to act on it, but I want some ideas on how others got the balance right, this dating thing with a child involved is so new and so different for me, is there a trick to getting the balance right?

pinknfluffy0

Could you arrange so you put aside some time , maybe every other saturday thats just for you and him?

galvanizersbaby

mummy_Jay wrote: »

We'll I'd been single for 6 years (since just before I found I was pregnant with my DS), no-one had been suitable til I found this wonderful new guy 3 months ago. Anyway my DS adores him, has even told him he wants him to marry me and to be his daddy. BF has a DS same age as mine and they get on great.

Anyway at the moment most of the time when bf comes round it's when ds is in bed but we do spend either sat or sun afternoon with him or sometimes both (sometimes with his ds too). This I thought was working until yesterday, when I got told my ds has broken a few of BF's DS toys (he has said sorry and that they were accidents) but anyway i had a chat with DS about it and he said he was sorry but also came out with he's missing having time just the 2 of us. (I feel so guilty now).

I will speak to BF about this as I feel I need to act on it, but I want some ideas on how others got the balance right, this dating thing with a child involved is so new and so different for me, is there a trick to getting the balance right?

Hi there

I assume if I'm doing my maths correctly your DS is about 5?
From your post I am unsure if you were present when the toys were broken or not as your wording implies you were told - by BF?
If not do you mean that your DS is spending time with BF and his son alone? or with you too?

I think 3 months is quite a short time and quite early to introduce a small child to BF but as you say your BF has a son the same age I could see how it could work.
I think in your position I would just tread gently as it has been a short time and your DS and also his DS still need to be spending time on with either mum or dad - after all this is what he is used to and though kids are adaptable at this stage I would go slowly and gradually if that makes any sense?!

mummy_Jay

No my DS is not spending time alone with BF, more I wasn't in the room at the time to wittness it (I was helping make dinner, DS was in the lounge) and it wasn't my DS that came and said it had happened. I had to speak to him separately for him to admit it happen, again this isn't like him, if there's a problem he's normally comes straight to me (it's one of the reasons I have alarm bells in my head). Though he loves playing with BF's DS, tells me he's his new bestfriend and gets very over excited when he's about.
My DS has just turned 6.
This relationship has moved very fast but feels so natural, and my ds has openned up so much to having my new BF in his life, it's his first real experience of having a male role model (as he has no dad or other male relative that he seems more than a few times a year), so I will admit I have enjoyed my first taste of what it would be like to be a parent with a partner, so I have probably got a little carried away in the moment.

At the moment every saturday morning is our time, I take him swimming. But I think pinknfluffy your right I need to put it in stone every other saturday is just the two of us, he doesn't have to share me.

galvanizersbaby

mummy_Jay wrote: »

No my DS is not spending time alone with BF, more I wasn't in the room at the time to wittness it (I was helping make dinner, DS was in the lounge) and it wasn't my DS that came and said it had happened. I had to speak to him separately for him to admit it happen, again this isn't like him, if there's a problem he's normally comes straight to me (it's one of the reasons I have alarm bells in my head). Though he loves playing with BF's DS, tells me he's his new bestfriend and gets very over excited when he's about.
My DS has just turned 6.
This relationship has moved very fast but feels so natural, and my ds has openned up so much to having my new BF in his life, it's his first real experience of having a male role model (as he has no dad or other male relative that he seems more than a few times a year), so I will admit I have enjoyed my first taste of what it would be like to be a parent with a partner, so I have probably got a little carried away in the moment.

At the moment every saturday morning is our time, I take him swimming. But I think pinknfluffy your right I need to put it in stone every other saturday is just the two of us, he doesn't have to share me.

I think because it's not just your BF being introduced into your son's life (your BF's son is also included in the package) there are bound to be a few instances like this one - I guess to your DS it will not just be BF to share you with there is also another little person on the scene - best to reassure him at this stage and as you say put aside some time for just the 2 of you.

I don't have personal experience of this because my OH doesn't have any children and it was quite a while before I introduced my children.

However my ex husbands new partner has 2 children and I know that DD and DS (despite getting along well with them - most times ) do still miss the time they used to spend alone with dad

Good luck with it all

meritaten

I am hearing a little alarm bell in my head. something in your post is really bothering me. I understand you are probably a little in love with this wonderful guy, but, not so much in love with his son? do you think the BFs son may be a little bit economical with the truth? I do think its great if your sons are similar age and get on well - but for an adult relationship to progress normally then time without the kids should be important.
If you didnt have kids then where do YOU think the relationship would be right now? dates would certainly feature strongly in my view - so perhaps once a week or fortnight you get a sitter to mind both boys and share the cost? then go out and enjoy yourselves.

Jinx

I think where little ones are involved things really have to go very slowly. I do think you should keep some time aside for just you and your child.

A couple of examples: my best friend moved her boyfriend in when her son was 6, she literally pushed DS out of bed for the BF.... it didnt go down well and caused a lot of stress and friction.

My friend got married last summer and her 7 year old calls hubby 'Dad' even though she has a relationship with her own dad. Hes just left them I dont know how it will affect her but her mum & step-dad got together really quickly and Im gutted for them all.

Finally, my daughter (who is now 18) basically told me last week I had been neglecting her; favouring my hubby LOL We've been together 5 years and hubby and DD dote on each other, however she was used to him working away and hes now working near home so around more. Plus since shes done a gap year I was trying not to crowd her... that worked well huh??

Ive rambled but I guess Im just saying be mindful and listen to any little doubts... Good Luck and Congrats on finding a good guy...

pigpen

is it not possible the bf's son broke the toys as a way of objecting to his dads new relationship?

i assume the son lives with his mum so dad time woud be very limited so it would be more likely he was breaking his own stuff.

mummy_Jay

I just wanted to say a big thank you for the support and advise.

I am going to re-address the balance, I'm thinking every other saturday and at least one weekend a month is us time (as in me and my DS). Until I wrote it down and actually looked at it I hadn't realised how much I'd been swept along in the moment, so now is the time to add some definate structure.

As for my BF's DS I don't think he's lying he's a lovely lad, I think it was probably more to do with them both being over excited and not thinking straight, these things happen. I don't want to start blaming anyone for it, it's more a case of this isn't normal for my DS so I need to address it.

I want my DS to be happy with me being in this relationship as much as I am happy, so little things ring alarm bells, it's a huge change for him to have a man in his life and to be sharing his time with me. I want to do right by both of us, my DS is my world, he will always come first but that doesn't mean I don't want a partner, which is also strange for me as I've been so content on my own for all these years. (sorry waffling)

mummy_Jay

I don't know if anyones still reading this but I spoke to BF last night about it and was quite shocked with the response. I got a lecture on how he couldn't stand my DS behavour, he accused him of being bad mannered, insulant and accused me of not controlling him, oh and I'm wrong to ask my ds his feeling on things like getting rid of his trampoline. He pretty much accuse my ds of breaking his ds things on purpose. Also that at his age according to bf he should be able to do his seatbelt up (something I've only just taught him in the last couple of months) and that he shouldn't be holding my hand when we walk down the street. (My ds has only just literally turned 6)
.
I'm more than shocked, I've always had compliments on how polite my DS and what a pleasure he is to be around cos he's so well behaved, he can be clumbsy at times. I felt so shellshocked by this all that I asked his childminder this morning who reiterated how polite and what a good boy he is, she was shocked such things would be said about him by anyone.
So either my ds only behaves like this round BF or BF is looking for reasons to have a go. Eitherway not good. But if this is suppose to be leading up to him not wanting to be with me, why can't he just say that?

Anyway, I'm shellshocked and keep thinking it was so much easier on my own but part of me thinks I was on my own so long I should at least try not give up at the first heardal, I already have strong feelings for bf.

I just needed to vent I think, I'm hoping that letting it out will help clear my head so I can workout how I'm going to deal with this.

cookie54

does you partners son live with him or does he come ever wk end or what ever?
i am wondering if your partner wants to hold your hand and not have your son in tow with his son left out.
May be is struggling with having 2 children in the house and not being fully in controll. IE his house rules may be different to your and as i guess you are either at his house or yours then it will alway be that way.
Is there anyway the other child could be encouraging your child to be rude etc and then playing you and your son off againist his dad?

I would be careful about giving in responding to your partners request as it could be a controlling thing and your son may stop telling you whatis wrong and that would be a bad thing

good luck