In laws and childcare

1jim

I can empathise with this, after we had our 18month old daughter my mil was just like this, often giving "advice" and using the age old saying of "it never did you (the wife) any harm did it..... the good thing was that both my wife and I sang from the same hymn sheet, we both said things like... "that was probably ok when you had children when we didnt know better but we now know that children die from this and I can think of any reason why we shouldnt follow the new advice can you?"
it took us sitting down with mil and saying that she had to respect our wishes as we were the parents and that if we said no chocolate/no creams/potions etc then she had to respect our wishes and that whilst we valued her advice that we had to do things our way.... not an easy thing to do but it did work and she now looks after our daughter 2 days a week when we are both at work
main advice is really for you and husband to stick together and present a united front on what you want to happen and back each other up at all times on this
good luck with it, hope things get better
Jim

kelloggs36

I have the same problem, but on a less important scale. My mum looks after my little boy who is 3, whilst I am at uni, 3 days per week. I have tried to ask her to give him stuff that I would give him for lunch (cheese sandwich as it is all he will eat!!!) and if he wants a snack, he can have a small bag of crisps, or some crackers. But she insists on giving him biscuits and sweets, which is fine when only given on the odd occasion, but it is every day! He now goes into her house and the first thing he asks for is a biscuit which he gets, even if I say 'no'. When I complain that he has just had his breakfast and will just get fat if he eats biscuits the response I get is 'leave him alone, he's alright' and 'as I am grandmother, it is my perogative to give him biscuits, that is what I am there for, to give what you won't because you are paranoid that he will get fat'.

If I did not rely upon her, I would just keep him away, but I have no option but to keep quiet. Nothing I do is right anyway! I just feel that as a mother, what I say should be first and foremost, but of course, MY mum always knows better than me.

india

My 1st born was my MIL 1st grandchild.
She kept insisting on having him so me and my husband could spend quality time together.

She kept over feeding him and then went and brought formula from the shop although I was breast feeding (lead to constipation)

She tried feeding him solid before he was ready.

she never sent back the clothes I sent him with and when they did come back they was too small.

She only wanted him to wear the clothes she brought and got very upset if my family had him instead of her.

She kept getting him medicines from abroad and giving it to him.

I spoke to her about these issues and she continued,so I stopped sending him on his own and my partner supported me.

miemie

I can totally understand what your going through, My MIL is a pain in the rear, I have just managed to get to the bottom of why my 3yr old was becoming hysterical at night if it is dark, will only sleep with the the light (has slept perfectly fine without a light until a few weeks a go), Granny has told her that at night all the monsters come out and they get you if you don't have a magic torch to scare them away, cannot believe how stupid this woman is and when we asked my mil about it she just laughed and said she'll be alright you've just mothered her and made her soft, had to leave the room at that point and let hubby deal with her

margaretclare

kelloggs36 wrote:

But she insists on giving him biscuits and sweets, which is fine when only given on the odd occasion, but it is every day! He now goes into her house and the first thing he asks for is a biscuit which he gets, even if I say 'no'. When I complain that he has just had his breakfast and will just get fat if he eats biscuits the response I get is 'leave him alone, he's all right' and 'as I am grandmother, it is my prerogative to give him biscuits, that is what I am there for, to give what you won't because you are paranoid that he will get fat'.

What a load of absolute b****cks. According to her, that is what grandmothers are there for - to give the grandchild biscuits because the parent won't. What total cobblers.

I have news for her. Any child who comes into our house does not get a biscuit. That is because we never buy any! Biscuits are not essential. As a child in the 1940s way out in the country I never grew up with biscuits - we just didn't have them, unless someone chose to make some. When I got married in 1957 I was amazed at the amount of packets of biscuits my MIL would buy and get through. 'Oh you've got to have a biscuit.' 'Why, for heaven's sake?' She just thought I was 'peculiar'.

Children will set one parent against another given half a chance, that's why it's so important for everyone concerned to speak with one voice. I had an example of that recently. We went to visit friends who have a very precious little boy, born after more than one IVF attempt, Dad married quite late in life, is in his late 50s now, little lad is nearly 3. I was sitting in their front room and little boy comes in with his ball. Now, I'd already heard Mum say 'you're only allowed your ball in the play-room or the garden, not in the front room' (they inherited some money and used it to build a conservatory which is little lad's play-room). He came in with his ball and looked at me - I said 'No, Edwin, you mustn't bring that in here, Mummy says no'. He obviously hoped he'd get a different response, but he was disappointed.

Feeding children that aren't your own with sweets, crisps, biscuits etc is in my book akin to feeding someone else's dog or cat, and it's something I'd never do.

Margaret

Phatmouse

margaretclare wrote:

What a load of absolute b****cks. According to her, that is what grandmothers are there for - to give the grandchild biscuits because the parent won't. What total cobblers.

I have news for her. Any child who comes into our house does not get a biscuit. That is because we never buy any! Biscuits are not essential. As a child in the 1940s way out in the country I never grew up with biscuits - we just didn't have them, unless someone chose to make some. When I got married in 1957 I was amazed at the amount of packets of biscuits my MIL would buy and get through. 'Oh you've got to have a biscuit.' 'Why, for heaven's sake?' She just thought I was 'peculiar'.

Children will set one parent against another given half a chance, that's why it's so important for everyone concerned to speak with one voice. I had an example of that recently. We went to visit friends who have a very precious little boy, born after more than one IVF attempt, Dad married quite late in life, is in his late 50s now, little lad is nearly 3. I was sitting in their front room and little boy comes in with his ball. Now, I'd already heard Mum say 'you're only allowed your ball in the play-room or the garden, not in the front room' (they inherited some money and used it to build a conservatory which is little lad's play-room). He came in with his ball and looked at me - I said 'No, Edwin, you mustn't bring that in here, Mummy says no'. He obviously hoped he'd get a different response, but he was disappointed.

Feeding children that aren't your own with sweets, crisps, biscuits etc is in my book akin to feeding someone else's dog or cat, and it's something I'd never do.

Margaret

Your great, my MIL is fine, but then my baby isn't due until Dec. If she turns out to be a pain i'm swapping her for you.

anguk

I must be very lucky because my in-laws never interfered. They were a little worried if I'd manage when I had my son as I was only 19 and they would offer advice but never force it on me. One day my father-in-law asked me if I minded when they gave advice, I told him not at all I listened to all advice given and then did what I thought was right, sometimes it was what they said and sometimes something different. My father-in-law agreed with me and said it was the best way to do things as I was the mother.

I'm sure there were times when they thought I was doing things wrong but they never said anything and kept all critism to themselves. For that I'm eternally grateful!

little_miss_thrifty

I feel sorry for all of you! My MIL is ok; she does 'as she's told'! but more so you get the impression that she doesn't want them in her house for too long, as they would make a mess.

Thriftylady - how about buying some baby/parent magazines for your MIL, just to get her up to speed with how things are done now!?

abijanzo

Oh My God! I'd have to kill her!!!!!
You must have the patience of a saint cos NOBODY, mother in law or otherwise should go against new mum's/dad's instructions on how to care for their baby!
I wouldnt leave my 6wk old with anyone who didnt care for them in the way I asked.
Hope it all works out without a blazing row!

jellyhead

the problem with lactose intolerance is that (some) older people seem to think it's a new fangled thing that doesn't really exist. the effects aren't immediate either - not like a peanut allergy for example. it drives me mad when people give my baby ice cream, chocolate etc. thinking it won't hurt - nowadays i make a point of staying until the effects are obvious. when they can't soothe a screaming baby's tummy ache, or they are covered in vomit they might think twice about making a lactose intolerant baby ill.