In laws and childcare

Thriftylady

Help!!!

My MIL is constantly wanting to babysit our baby who is only six weeks old. Already, I can hear knackered new parents everywhere saying "and this is a problem?!!". But......she refuses to follow our instructions as to how we want baby looked after. e.g. we use washable nappies - she buys disposables and puts these on instead. Baby has been suffering colic, so we left instructions to give her infacol before her feed - MIL told us that she didn't bother with it. We left cream to put on babys bum at nappy change, MIL dug out her vaseline and used that instead. I know all of these are trivial, but I feel that as she is our baby we should be the ones to decide how she is looked after.

But there are more serious things as well. MIL insists on wrapping her up far too warm, doesn't believe in laying her on her back to sleep and worst of all, she proposed taking her in the car the other day without strapping her into her car seat as she thinks its better to hold baby in your arms. :eek: 'its only a short journey'. If she had actually done this, I think I would have inflicted physical violence.

We have tried to talk to her, but she never, ever listens. And she knows better than everyone else anyway. :rolleyes:

So basically, I no longer trust her with my baby, but how on earth do I either a) get her to change or b) break the news to OH that I don't trust his mother?

tanith

It must be as obvious to your OH that his Mum is not doing as you have asked so maybe he thinks it is worth the smaller compromises such as the bum cream and disposable nappies to get some respite from the baby. But a big thing like not strapping into a car seat is an absolute no no and he should be telling his mother so, and if she refuses to comply then you will have to put your foot down and not let the baby go to her unless she promises to use the car seat...

Zziggi

I also had a similar problem. Whilst my parents have got better over time, they still occasionally push it a bit too far.

The simple fact is that if you don't stamp down now, then you'll never get anywhere. You have to tell her straight that YOU are the mother and she is "only" the grandmother. You have to decide if you are willing to compromise on small things in return for some rest. Maybe type of nappy is a minor thing (and lets be honest maybe it IS for convenience for her benefit) maybe you would compromise on minor things but when it is a major thing then you need to make it clear that it is a non-negotiable. You have to tell her that if she does not follow your instructions on the major things then you are not prepared to let her look after the baby.END OF STORY.

Hopefully she will start to follow what you say. You'll probably feel like you are cutting your nose off despite your face by turning down a willing babysitter. Trust me, if you let it continue you are just storing up more problems. The MIL obviously doesn't rate you as parents if she thinks she always knows best (are you a first time mum by any chance?maybe this is why).

I have had this constant battle with my parents. They always believe they know best. We told them repeatedly in no uncertain terms what we wanted and WHY we wanted it in the way we did. However when things reached a head we had no option but to refuse to let them visit/babysit/see the kids. This lasted for 3 weeks before they decided to take us seriously. They got much better after 3 weeks as they were desperate to see their grandkids. Actually one of the issues was the seatbelt thing. Just nipping to the shops with an 18 month old sat in the front was NOT acceptable. They even tried to use the excuse that DS had a seat belt on so that was OK not to use a car seat.

Our current battle is try and get through their thick skull that both kids have a dairy intollerance and that saying "a little cows milk/yogurt/cream won't hurt" actually YES IT DOES! When DS had terrible stomach ache & diahorrea at 1 am because grandad had said "oh a little cows cream on your crumble wont hurt" we took DS round to theirs and told them YOU look after him and YOU see how distressed he is!!!. Grandad has improved since then but it's sad we had to actually do this for him to realise the distress he was causing his grandson. We also have made sure that we take food round to grandads and tell him to ONLY feed DS & DD what is in the bag (he largely follows our instructions).

I'm afraid unless you nip it in the bud you'll have constant problems. I really feel sorry for you OP, I know what it's like.

Cassa

Hi Thriftylady,

So sorry to hear about your problems. You really need to nip this in the bud now, I had many years of misery because of ex MIL, kept whining at OH and expected him to solve problem but some men are spineless when it comes to teir parents.

Awful as it is you need to sit down and tell her exactly what you expect from her when looking after your child. Tell her what you say goes, and ask her how she would feel if the circumstances were reversed. Keep calm & good luck, sorting this now will save you many years of grief.

Carole

Thriftylady

Zziggi wrote:

The MIL obviously doesn't rate you as parents if she thinks she always knows best (are you a first time mum by any chance?maybe this is why).

Right, with both of these!!!

When we told her I was pregnant (with her first grandchild), instead of being delighted all she could say was 'how will you ever cope with a baby? you don't know anything about babies'. well, what first time parent does? We learn, like everyone else does!

But my MIL treats us as if we are incapable of anything, and I mean anything. She used to ring every night to tell us to unplug the kettle etc, in case the house would go on fire. She painted our back door (without our permission!) because she thought she could do it better than either of us. She doesn't drive, but constantly criticises both our driving (even at a time when she had never been in the car with either of us). She once was in the car with me and told me I had joined the motorway incorrectly. In frustration, I produced the highway code and made her read the relevant section and she just said that as far as she was concerned, the highway code was wrong too. This from a woman who has never even sat in the driving seat of a car.....

Sorry to rant and go off on a tangent here, but I think it illustrates what I'm up against. OH has listened to her constant criticism all his life, its a miracle he turned out as well adjusted as he is. But it means that he barely notices when she says and does these things, so although he does answer back sometimes, a lot of the time it just goes over his head.

Oh, and the obstetrician who delivered my baby apparently did that wrong too, MIL knows better than him as well. Arrghhhhh!!!

Becles

You have my sympathies. I get this of my own Mam sometimes.

You need to nip it in the bud now as once the baby gets a bit older, she will start playing you off against each other. Children learn this surprisingly quickly!

eg: when I'm round there, they would ask me if they could have sweets, and I'd say no because and gave a valid reason. 5 mins later they'd have sweets because my Mam had said they could have some :mad:

I just kept saying to her "stop undermiming me in front of my children". It was harsh and nasty, but it was the only way to get it to sink in.

I also got fed up with a chorus "but Granny lets us" at home, and pointed that out to both her and my Dad. Once my Dad realised what was going on, he backed up me up 100% and kept telling her off too.

I know it's not nice to raise conflicts, but you need to be firm now to stop it happening when baby is older and wise to what's going on.

Zziggi

Thriftylady wrote:

She doesn't drive, but constantly criticises both our driving (even at a time when she had never been in the car with either of us). She once was in the car with me and told me I had joined the motorway incorrectly. In frustration, I produced the highway code and made her read the relevant section and she just said that as far as she was concerned, the highway code was wrong too. This from a woman who has never even sat in the driving seat of a car.....

You know, your MIL really should meet up with my Dad - they'd get on famously.

One of my endureing childhood memories is my dad telling me that Queen Victoria did not die in 1901. I ended up getting out loads of text books to prove to him i was right (pre-internet days). Guess what? All the text books were wrong - HE was right.

Actually I have already had a row this morning about the new seat belts law. I politely but forcefully told my parents that now children MUSt be in a car seat and in THE BACK OF THE CAR. This ensued in a huge moan which culminated in ME being responsible for the "inconvenience" of having to put children in the back and that it was personally MY fault this law had been introduced. I never knew I was so crucial to the whole law-making system in this country....:rolleyes:

You really have my deepest sympthy OP. If your MIL was like this before you had kids, it jsut gets a zillion times worse once you have thier precious grandkids. Remember YOU are "only" the mother - SHE is the GRANDMA!!!

*zippy*

My OH's family are quite overbearing, I have to agree with the other replies your MIL has to know that you mean business, if you let little things go it will just get worse.

I never asked my SIL to babysit after she bragged to me, when she had babysat her other niece she fed her baby rice to prove to the parents it made babies sleep through the night, she was so chuffed told me the baby loved it. The said baby was only a few weeks old. I would have gone mad.

margaretclare

Oh my goodness. These awful people. Are they the same generation as me - I'm 71? Probably younger, not 'set in their ways', still in the prime of life. Where, for heaven's sake, do they come from?

I have the greatest sympathy with the OP. All right, sometimes as a grandparent you can give advice based on experience, and this should be valued. But using disposable nappies as opposed to washable ones? - actually they're not 'disposable' at all, they simply sit in landfill, of which the space is fast running out. Now if it was the other way around perhaps I could understand it - 'in my day' (something I vowed I'd never say) we did use washable nappies because that was all there was!

Giving milk to a dairy-intolerant child is totally unforgivable. I have seen what happens when, for example, an allergic child is given cereal containing nuts. 'It won't hurt.' Yes it will - it's life-threatening. It's your descendants, your genes, that you're putting into jeopardy!

Carrying a baby in your arms in a car - the mind boggles. In an impact the child flies out of your arms and becomes a missile. Anyone sitting in the back seat without a seat-belt becomes a missile and can kill the people in the front seat. The argument about 'it's only a short journey' is meaningless. Research now shows that most accidents occur within 3 miles of home. Whether that's because most journeys are of short duration i.e. begin and end at home and only go to e.g. the shops, I don't know. But it does seem reasonable to make that assumption.

You have my sympathy. I'm afraid I've no helpful suggestions to make. I agree with all the others.

Best wishes

Margaret

Mrs_pbradley936

Along with everyone else I sympathise and I cannot see a way out without an almighty row. Which I would be prepared to have if I thought my child was being endangered. I think I would spell out my concerns and say quite forcefully that if my methods are not adhered to then the baby will not be visiting any more. The idea of feeding a baby solids at night (before it was common knowledge that the kidneys were not developed enough) was to give the mother an unbroken sleep.

*zippy*

pbradley936 wrote:

The idea of feeding a baby solids at night (before it was common knowledge that the kidneys were not developed enough) was to give the mother an unbroken sleep.

The thing is pbradley my SIL is only in her 30's and a nurse so theres no excuse really.