Changing our lives....

amber03

No we wont be sick of you, come on the boards and moan as much as you want,we'll be here to listen. Over xmas i hurt my back it's slowly getting better so i feel really sorry for you having serious back trouble. Glad you had a good xmas. The other day i was on the Next webpage just to look at summer clothes just to cheer me up, I just want a lovely summer, then i would'nt mind a proper winter.

Looking to your next instalment, take care sessie.x

Sessie

This depression/down/winter blues/whatever you want to call it has given me a lot of time for thinking. The insomnia along with my back pain has given me many an hour in the night where sleep has eluded me and my mind has begun to wander.

I don't really know where to start with all of this but I know it will be useful to get in all down "on paper" (!) so I can start dealing with it. I suppose it could be put into the "decluttering" section of my diary - sorting out my head is important as my purse right?!

There are quite a lot of issues I need to explore, to try to sort myself out, things that are dragging me down and stopping me enjoying life as much as I could be. What I need to face up to is that really, there's only ME that can do this - and that means realising that I can't be that perfect person I want to be. Whilst that probably sounds fine - and easy - to most of you, to me it's almost an admission of defeat. I wanted to be that person who was, on the inside, the happy, satisfied, cheery person she appears to be on the outside but I'm not. I'm forty years old and I need to address some things I've been burying for a long time.

I have HORRENDOUS self-doubt, my self-esteem often waves at me from the bottom of the hole it lives in, quite close to Australia - well, I say waves, it more thumbs it's nose and blows raspberries. I feel that no matter what I do, how much I do, it's never enough. But I can't even tell you "enough"... for what?? I can't spend time alone without feeling the need to fill it with chores or going somewhere or doing something - I find it really difficult to just "be".

I can spend the whole day, from waking to teatime, playing with my children on the floor (despite the pain), singing songs, playing with pirate ships and horses and sharing grapes with fairies - and then I'll get up and go into the kitchen to start preparing tea and feel like I'm letting them down by not spending enough time with them. How ridiculous is that?? I even KNOW it's ridiculous, but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty once I've put them to bed that I should have spent more time with them that day.

I read somewhere that if you worry about being a good mother or not then you are one. I found that quite comforting - plus it makes sense, if you weren't, you wouldn't worry about being one. Still, I worry how my children see me - and what they will remember. This is more often than not brought on by my back problems. As recently as yesterday we went to a soft play area with them - a big one - with Mr Sessie. Girlchild is reasonably happy to stay in a smaller area with a ball pool and some big soft shapes to throw around. Boychild, however, wants to climb "up here.... ma..." and then jump over that log and then slide down there and as soon as we are down, yells, "...again.. again... come on ma...". He wants ME to go with him, he is all about me at the moment, not that he doesn't love his daddy - of course he does - it's just at the moment it's all about mummy. I went with him as often as I could, until I was in tears with the pain and had to say no, I couldn't do it any more as mummy has a poorly back. He has heard me say this enough times and accepts it but again, I felt SO guilty for the rest of the day that I couldn't do it with him. I do KNOW it's not my fault, I don't even know WHY I have these immense feelings of guilt. I think it's not knowing why I have them that is half the problem because if I can't address WHY I feel like this, how can I change it?

Those are just two examples of my guilty and self-faulting feelings - there are loads more. I am the one that says "sorry" when someone bumps into me, I am the one who feels responsible when someone tells me something has gone wrong for them that has NOTHING whatsoever to do with me, I am the one who reads into what someone says and misconstrues it and takes it out of proportion until it ends up being directed against me when that's not what they meant at all. I hope I'm explaining this clearly. I'm typing and not reading back at all. I'm just going with the flow of what I'm feeling- I think if I keep editing it I will dilute what I'm trying to say and end up not saying the truth, warts and all.

Also, this is not looking for sympathy or posts of "it's not your fault", I am just streaming my thoughts here as I've found it one of the best places to say what I feel without being judged. I've found it a really welcoming place and I actually look forward to being here.

Time to break this up but more follows...

x

Sessie

Also, there's a few family (well, family in law) issues that are testing my patience. The main one relates to my sister in law. We are currently in a standoff which has been ongoing for nearly three years (well, a lot longer than that…but it turned into avoiding each other and not speaking just before Christmas 2008). Mr Sessie’s brother and her have ALWAYS been the “golden couple” to his mother and father. They see each other three or four times a week, Parents in law have ALWAYS had their son (now aged 7) EVERY weekend (since he was born! Am I strange to find my sister in law farming her son out the FIRST weekend after he was born odd??) and every conversation is all, “ooh X (the child) has done this, X has done that….”.

Mr Sessie and me? Well, if we go to his family, we’re welcomed and have a nice day. If we don’t go, we don’t see them. If I phone up, we have a nice conversation, if I don’t phone, we don’t hear for weeks on end. We all live within a 10 mile radius of each other by the way!

I have never been “good enough” in my sister-in-law’s eyes (like I need anyone else telling me this!). I’m not beautiful or perfect, I don’t dress in floaty pastels and home cook everything from scratch and sometimes… * gasp *….there is washing up in my kitchen that…. HASN’T BEEN DONE! I know, I know… I’m a bad person. Though she is younger than me, she looks down at me and has rarely, since she got together with Mr Sessie's brother, given me much more than polite replies to conversation. I have been in the family a lot longer than she has – Mr Sessie and I celebrate our 19th anniversary this year, I think they are close to their 15th – even though Mr Sessie's brother is older than him. Thinking about it now – and reading this back – maybe I never was “in their family”, I was just attached because I married Mr Sessie.

For a while, ie; before our twins were born, though it irked me immensely, I just “got on with it” and as it wasn’t worth making the effort, sometimes - for short periods of time (weeks) - we just… didn’t. But after a while I would always feel bad and be the one that made the phone call or said to Mr Sessie that we needed to go and see them. I totally understand that his family are very different from mine. Mine are always in and out of each other’s houses (sometimes too much the other way!) or on the phone (even though, again, we all live reasonably close to one another). Mr Sessie’s attitude was, “they know where we are…” and/or, “why should it always be us?”.

Anyhow, once I became pregnant (after 15 years of trying and private IVF) my sister-in-law seemed to “step up” her campaign to “own” the parents in law. They really have half brought up sisterin law’s son – he even calls his grandfather “dad” by mistake quite a lot as he spends as much, if not more, time with them than he does his own parents. Mr Sessie's brother and sis in law both work (they don’t have to, they have enough not to) and just farm him out to the in-laws all the time. I think they just had a child to “tick the box”. I have never seen either of them get on the floor and play with him, run round the garden with him or sit him on their knee and giggle with him.

So, December 2008 Mr Sessie’s grandmother had a fall and went into hospital. After a while she was transferred to a live-in rehab unit and sister in law phoned us to tell us this. I said, politely (I promise!) that I knew as we had phoned the hospital that day. The line then went dead. I said to Mr Sessie, “Oooh, she just hung up on me!”, laughed and forgot all about it.

Two or three hours later, we had just put the twins (aged 4 months) to bed when the phone rang again and it was my father in law. Opening sentence, “What’s going on <Sessie?> I’ve just had <sister in law> on the phone in tears saying you hung up on her”!!!

I explained that I hadn’t and that I had thought she had done it to me but thought nothing more of it. “Well, that’s not what she says…”. So I lost it and said basically, “so.. she tells you one thing, I say no, that’s not how it happened but you are going to just utterly believe every word she says? Mr Sessie took the phone from me and repeated to his dad what I said and how it had happened (HOW glad was I that I had said I thought she’d hung up on me at the time?), said that he had been there in the room so wasn’t just “backing me up” but was saying what had actually taken place.

Again, his father said we were BOTH not telling the truth and we had really upset her. Mr Sessie and his dad had a HUGE shouting match where it was brought up that we felt “second best” and always had and little miss perfect was getting her way, which was Mr Sessie and I being pushed aside, and Mr Sessie put the phone down. He was FURIOUS and so was I.

Half an hour later, father in law was at the front door. Mr Sessie was so angry he refused to go down so I went and said Mr Sessie didn’t want to see him and, if I was honest, nor did I. I said how angry and upset we were to be called liars when he could have no clue what had actually happened and was just accepting sister in law’s version of events and denying ours. He then left.

For days and days after that I kept on at Mr Sessie to contact his parents so we could all sit down and talk it out (it was the LAST thing I felt like doing but I am extremely family-oriented and can’t stand conflict) but he refused. His opinion was, “they’ve made their bed now…” and he wanted to sever all contact. Since the twins were born they had seen them maybe once a fortnight and always when we had gone there, they really didn’t seem to be all that bothered, it was still all about the nephew. Christmas got ever closer and we had no contact from them so we went up when we knew they’d be out to drop off all the presents and Mr Sessie left a note saying he was still too angry and let down to see them without it turning into a further argument. We believed that not seeing their grandchildren for their first Christmas might actually make them pick up the phone, forget what was essentially a trivial situation that had got out of proportion, and try to make the peace. But no. Nothing. We neither saw, nor heard from them over Christmas or New Year.

Eventually mid-January I made him phone them. The longer a wound is left to fester the worse it becomes and peeling the scab off (which is the only way to sort things out, to address the ISSUE that caused it) is more painful. We went there (see, us still having to go to them!) and had a huge argument in which we were told that we hadn’t cared that his grandmother was in hospital (we had been more times than ANYONE else in the family to see her), we hadn’t been involved in a family holiday a few years before (we spent every single day of that holiday doing what sister in law wanted to do, but one evening - one evening -we went out for a meal by ourselves), we hadn’t cared when Mr Sessie's father had had an accident at work (I left work early and also arranged a Solicitor for him to deal with his claim as it was due to his employers’ negligence).

We replied that we felt they didn’t give a ... damn....(edited for politeness!) about us, or our children, it was all about <nephew> and we were told by father in law that, “...we’ve always had him every weekend and nothing is going to stop that, ever”. We said, we’re not asking you to put him aside, but you never come to see us in the week either - apparently that is because we live in a “bad area” (it’s the second most expensive area in the locality!). So, we asked, when CAN we see you? To which the answer was, “You know where we live”.

It all got very emotional and in the end I said we needed to move on and try to find a resolution rather than continue to throw barbs at each other. My children deserved to see their grandparents but only if they WANTED to see them. Children aren’t stupid and will pick up sooner or later that they’re only being tolerated under duress and I will not have that for my beautiful children. My own father walked out when I was young and stepped in and out of my life as and when it suited him and I still have issues to this day from his behaviour so there is NO WAY I’m letting ANYONE who doesn’t want to invest true love and time on an ongoing basis anywhere near my children.

Then came the sobbing proclamations from mother in law that she adores our children and has missed them terribly this last month of hostilities (so why not phone? Why not come to us to try to sort things out?) and she couldn’t bear to think she wouldn’t see them again. I’ll admit that I did feel I had the “upper hand” so to speak in that I could decide to say “no, we’re done” (which is pretty much what Mr Sessie wanted to do) and none of us would have had to see them again but that decision would have been based on ME and when you have children, THEY come first, you come second, so I agreed that we would try to put all of this behind us – we had all got issues off our chests at this “meeting” – though none of the untruths held against us were put right – ie they didn’t agree that they were wrongly accusing us. That was never going to happen, so it was more of a case of, “let’s just draw a line under what’s gone before and start again”. We said to them that they had to make more of an effort to come to us sometimes and to contact us more, to make us feel more a part of the family. There were hugs (though I avoided them as I was still really angry and didn’t feel that the original issue had been resolved but it was obvious that issue was null and void now) and we left on a fragile peace.

Shortly after that, they did make a few phone calls and even came to our house I think… ooh…twice maybe? Since then it has dropped back to how it was before – ie; if we don’t go or ring, nothing. Sister in law and Mr Sessie's brother still get the same twice/three times a week visits from the parents in law and go all over with them and we are not asked. Mr Sessie takes our twins to see his parents once a fortnight when I work all day on a Saturday and sister in law does not like that. At. All. Our children are playing with her child, euugh… the contamination!!

My mother in law did ask just before last Christmas if I would go to them on the same day sister in law was there and I said no. I explained that I am still furiously angry that she tried, and very nearly succeeded, in cutting us off from all the family – she (sis in law) tried to deny my children their grandparents and my husband his parents, because she was afraid that if they diverted some of their time to our children, she might actually have to look after her own child. I said that the only way I would entertain being in the same room as her would be if she admitted that I had NOT hung up on her and that she had made it up and that I knew that would never happen.

My mother in law (not known for being a pushover by ANY means) said that she would have “got over” this by now and would have “moved on”. I said how could she expect me to be in the same room, smiling and making conversation with someone I couldn’t stand who had upset me so much? Again, my children (not to mention nephew) would know there was an atmosphere and I will NOT do that, to any of them. Plus, I need to be “true to myself” (forgive the hippy phrase”) and I want nothing to do with her.

Mr Sessie says he understands why I feel the way I do but also feels I can’t continue this long-term as we have family occasions to attend (few and far between and when we do, there are enough people there for us to keep to separate sides of the room without it being obvious) and even my OWN bloody mother feels I need to “put it behind me”.

It’s not just this issue, it’s the fact that we are always overlooked, if we make contact – great. If we don’t it can be MONTHS before we hear anything. How fair is that on my children – for the in laws to be in and out of their lives? So I feel OBLIGED to let Mr Sessie keep taking them when I’m at work so they have a continuous relationship with them. When they are there with them, they are all over the children, very loving and happy, apparently.

So, partly I feel totally vindicated in my decision to stay away from my sister in law – it’s not causing anyone else any hardship – we barely see her anyhow so where’s the problem? But, because of my problems mentioned above (probably my biggest) – my guilt complex – I feel that I’m caus-… wait, not causing… carrying ON a rift that maybe SHOULD be set aside. But how can I set it aside? I can’t lose how I feel about her or ever see myself speaking to her again (she won’t change, she will still see me as the “poor relation” and continue to smarm and look down her nose at me) and also I can’t lose the knowledge that my in laws did (and most likely still do) believe her about what happened in the first place. I can just about put the latter to one side when we see them but if she was there too it’d just be this huge elephant in the room the whole time.

For the first time it’s just occurred to me that I should thrash it out with sister in law once and for all. That said, without witnesses – who can then intervene if it gets out of hand but could also jump in before we’ve had a chance to truly say what we feel – what I say could, and most likely would, be twisted and I’d come off even worse. Plus, I feel she would just deny everything in front of any witness, smile sweetly and say she had no problem with me which is patently not true.

So, damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

pennywisepoundstupid

Oh my goodness sessie i'm really lost for words, awful situations for you to be in, i really wish i had some sort of advice that would help, thinking of you and sending big hugs hun.

ab7167

Just read your whole thread sessie, and I wanted to say how wonderful it is - you seem very much like me, except you've actually got your act together and I'm still trying to find motivation... I have 2 kids (not twins, but close in age and both preschool), work 3 days a week and come from York - dont live there now, but it's my spiritual home!

Anyway, the only thing I can say about your SIL is that she sounds very unhappy. If this is such a big thing to her, getting all the attention, she probably deep down is massively insecure. And someone once said to me that the best revenge is living well. Get on with your life, see your inlaws when you want - at the moment although it is negative attention from you that she is getting, it is still attention! Once you pay her, or the situation, no attention whatsoever, she will have lost whatever she sought to gain from the situation. Hopefully you will be able to move on as well, not telling you that you should - but that for your own mental health (another area I can sympathise with - PND after both births, am still often rocky on the confidence side) it may be better to pay it no more mind. Concentrate on you and the kids and your lovely OH.

Hope this helps, am rubbish with words. Pencil and ruler, no bother, but don't always manage to put down on paper properly!

A

Sessie

How annyoing is THIS??

So I have arranged to have my back done privately next week - I have booked the surgery, I have booked the time off work, as has my husband, I have got mum and dad to have the children for a couple of days so I can recuperate without having to worry about lifting them or getting up in the night etc...

The private cost is £1,800.00. Ouch, but luckily we have it and had earmarked it for this so we were "ok" about it (as "ok" as you can be about spending that much on ANYTHING other than a mountain of chocolate topped with marshmallows anyway!),

Last night my private surgeon rang me up to say my local NHS hospital ARE now doing these surgeries at a much-reduced price and gave me a name and number to call to find out more.

So I phoned the local NHS hospital today and yes, they can do the same thing for £200.00. But not until around the end of May.

So, dilemma:- I can either;

(1) Wait another three months, in the amount of pain I am constantly in (a lot, I hardly sleep these days, can't lift the children, can't do half my housework etc..), but save £1,600.00.

or

(2) Have it done as planned next week and be out of pain much more quickly but spend the whole £1,800.00.

It might seem an easy decision to anyone, especially anyone MSE - because surely a saving is the only way forward? And £1,600 is a LOT of money. But for me, in serious amounts of pain, it's not quite such an easy decision.

Am going to talk it through with Mr Sessie and my parents this afternoon (I only work a half day today) but.... aaaargh! which decision to take?

x

pennywisepoundstupid

Being someone that suffers with backpain, but not as often as you i know that its one of the worse kinds of pains ever, worse than childbirth, so if it was me i'd have it done sooner than later, you can't put a price on your happiness and health.

Only you can make the decision though sessie.

Sessie

OK I keep putting off posting until I can find time to do one of my long winded epics and I'm just never getting round to it. So until I do, just going to keep posting stuff I've done or stuff TO do.

Today I have:

Fixed up my medical for the life insurance application - it's at 5.30 pm on Tuesday 8 March. Will take 30 mins or so so I need to ask mum to come and watch the children in case Mr Sessie isn't home in time.

Phoned Financial Advisor and told him about this so he knows to chase up the report and decision afterwards.

Arranged hairdresser to come to the house and snip me as I am again in danger of looking like Cousin It. She is coming at 12 noon on Thursday 3 March.

Have returned questionnaire to Nuffield Hospital after my back was done there last week. I think it has worked quite well. I'm still in SOME pain but nowhere near what I was. As if to prove this, I have washed the kitchen floor today and done my ironing!! Would not have been able to either of those before I had my back done last week! :T

Am really working on decluttering at the moment - of course, I emptied a drawer in the kitchen yesterday that's one of those "everything" drawers. Threw probably 75% of it away and this morning Mr Sessie asked for TWO things that were in there that I threw away!! So I played dumb and said they hadn't been in there!

Am giving my sister a book ("The Help") when she comes later today and have another book and some magazines to take to work tomorrow to put in the box in the staff room.

Am also going to Wilkinsons/Tesco tonight to get some plastic storage boxes for the childrens' craft stuff as it's multiplying massively in my wardrobe!! I keep EVERYTHING these days - empty Dairlylea Dunker pots for paint in the summer, lolly sticks for crafting, etc.. etc...

Find it quite funny that some aspects of MSE contradict each other - on the one hand, the mantra is "keep everything, re-use it for something else" and on the other it's "declutter, get rid of things"!!

OK, that's all I have time for for now folks! Sorry it's not a ten-post ramble but something's better than nothing right?

x

pennywisepoundstupid

Morning sessie and its good to see you back.

Glad things went well with your back and the pain has eased.

I always play dumb with hubby when i've thrown something out, i usually say well where did you last have it response is usually 'dunno', so in my best teacher voice i answer ' well if you put things in a proper place you would know where it was', and than never let on that it is in the bin. naughty i know.

Sessie

Quite a productive morning I've had.

Got the children up and dressed and engrossed in toys, came into the kitchen and washed up, dried and put everything away, cleaned the tops, windowsill, sink etc.. We had family round for a meal last night but couldn't do it after we ate as the kitchen is right under the nursery and we would have woken the children up.

Then I made a big bowl of chicken, pepper, BBQ sauce, corn, pasta, tomatoes etc.. with some knockdown chicken I got the other day. So that's tea for tonight and probably tomorrow sorted.

Last night I went out to Wilkinson with my sis and got the storage drawers (REALLY good deal, only £10 for a four drawer set and it's not a tiny one either!). So today, after breakfast, went upstairs with the children and started to sort out all their craft stuff which is building up in the bottom of my wardbrobe. Haven't finished by any stretch but at least we've got started.

As soon as the bin men had been, I had enough stuff stored in the garage to fill the darn thing again.

Need to contact council (or look at website) to see about the passes or whatever they are you can get to use the local tip. DONE

Also, need to return TENS machine to the hospital.

Will be returning a Lego book/set that came from The Book People as it's too intricate for my children. I thought it would have "normal" sized lego in but the pieces are REALLY tiny and the models are way too difficult for them to make. So that will be a bit of money back!
Going to the Post Office on the way to work this afternoon to do that ( I work 4 to 8 today).

Today is the last day of the Daily Mirror free books for children offer. I've been collecting the tokens since it started and someone else has given me about 12 tokens so need to choose the books and get a cheque for the postage sorted. DONE

OK time for a bit of lunch, a bit of tidying up toys before mum comes to look after the wee ones and I go off to work.

x