A child in need

simon4amiee

This is the following senario: in march 2010, i was stopped from seeing my son by his mother and i have not seen him since. my son is aged almost 9 and up untill this point i have seen my son every week end and every day that i am not at work for the last 7 years. we have reasently moved out of the area were my son lives due to the constant threats made by his family. i have regulary paid maintenace for the last 6-7 years. the original csa calculation based on my wages is £38 a month. after constantly being black mailed my ex partner cancelled the csa and demanded for money, if i din't pay her more money i was told i would not see my son.

My only concern was seeing my son, so i gave in to her demands, which saw maintenane raised from £38 a month to £50 to £100 to £150 a month. To which i have had no problem paying as long as i saw my son. How i paid that i was told by my ex i had to deliver it to her door step on the morning before i went to work, as she could not wait untill later on in the day.

In march we moved house, however in town in moved to does not have a cash point that i can use. thus i could only with draw money at the weekend. however my ex still ndemanded money on rthe day i got paid, which was imposible. i even offered to pay her the money directly into her bank account, but she was unwilling to give me her bank account details, which left me with a problem, as i could not get the money when she demanded it. i then desided to contact the csa, as they would be able to give her the money on demand without delay.

this resulted in her getting less money which she was not very happy about, thiw resulted in her trying to black mail me again by demanding i gave her the money, in her hand or no child.

as a result of all this i have not seen my son since march, i have applyed though the courts for contact and week end residence only so that nothing changes and parental responsibility. after speaking to many people on these forums, and listening to some very good advice it seemed that no court in the land would change a childs routine based on the information provided.

however i have been challenged with a new senario, my ex has accused me of being an abusive parent which is untrue. i dont want to get into a mud slinging fight i only want is best for my son, resently he bought a crystal paper weight while on a trip with my parents, the crystal was engraved TO MY LOVE, my son asked that this would be passed to me, not his mother. he tells my mum he wants to see me and askes why is his mum so mean.

my question is do people that lie in court get found out, does any body know the process, will the child be spoken to because one word from him will show his mum to be a liar and that he wants desparatly to see me. i just feel being accused of being a child abuser is under handed and vwondered if ant thing can be dowmn about that.

in conclusion i am a loving fatherhats wants to see my child but without slinging mud wants to go through the correct channels, if any one can advise.

kelloggs36

They would normally get CAFFCASS involved who will speak to your child and make recommendations.

gratefulforhelp_2

1. If you are on the birth certificate you have parental responsibility.
2. A court will take a dim view of any mixing of matters of contact and child maintenance.
3. Do not give her cash. Agree to pay through the CSA or pay direct into an account in her name with the payments clearly flagged as "child maintenance".
4. During any time where you are not paying through the CSA, set aside the amount of their assessment throughout the time so you can pay any arrears that build up.
5. Lying in court is perjury, most people will stop short of this in court and as you say there will be no evidence to back up her claim. Perjury carries a custodial sentence. It is unlikely she will go this far.

I am not saying don't pay child maintenance, I am saying do not pay her in cash.

notsayingaword

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

1. If you are on the birth certificate you have parental responsibility.

OP's son is 9 so this quote is not true. Parental responsibility for unmarried partners was only automatically given from December 2003 so he will need to apply for it from the courts - my ex took me to court for custody and was awarded parental rights but I got custody, our son was only 3 at the time (he's 14 now) but your son may be old enough to make a choice. See a family law solicitor to get some advice.

gratefulforhelp_2

Beg your pardon notsayingaword.

Emmzi

odds on she is asking for cash in hand so there is no paper trail of you paying her either so a) she can reclaim arrears via CSA later or b) some kind of benefit fraud (not sure what)

Money and contact should *never* be linked

Do go via courts, and get formal arrnagements made.

do pay only by cheque or standing order.

swingaloo

My partner and I have had a very similar experience with his daughter. We had contact with his child every 3 weeks making the 550 mile round trip to see her. Everything was hunky dory, we used to collect her from her house and would be invited in for coffee and a chat.
Over the years his ex did some real dirty tricks like letting us make the journey and then saying 'sorry you cant see her today we are going out' even though we had made arrangements to collect her.
She would blow hot and cold, being ok one time and rude the next. When she remarried she changed completly and wanted her new husband to take the place of dad. There were loads of instances I could quote but its not about our situation its about yours.

As others have said you MUST pay her money into the bank or through the CSA. Never, ever pay her in the hand again. If she decides to say she hasnt had a payment she can report it to the CSA and they will chase you for arrears. If she wont give you the bank details to pay it into them she dosnt get the money. Keep it at one side though.

You need to get a solicitor asap. Your case will be referred to Caffcass and it can be quite daunting but your sons views will be taken into consideration. They will speak to you and the mother and also the child. In our case the mother told such outragous lies and to hear her speak his daughter hated him, she was frightened of him, never wanted to see him again etc. She was 8 at the time and we were very concerned about the the process would have on her but she was fine.

Right to the end, even in court the mother still lied through her teeth but she made a fool of herself. Caffcass and the family judges have seen it all before.

Keep everything, drawing yours son has done, cards he may have sent you etc. Keep a diary of everytime you try to see him and a record of everything the mother does to prevent contact. The courts will have a very dim view of a woman who withholds contact because of cash. She is her own worst enemy but too stupid to see that.

Its a long process and at times you feel you will never be able to disprove some of the things your ex says, however, its up to her to prove the claims she makes and she wont be able to do that when your child is of an age to be able to speak up.

Whatever you do though, dont badmouth the mother in front of the child. My partners child is 13 now and we never talked about the court case to her but now and again she makes a remark which lets us know that she is glad her dad fought to see her. Children soon grow up and they remember, let your son grow up knowing that you did everything you could for him. However hard it is to hold your tongue sometimes, do it. My partners daughter knows her mum tried to stop her seeing her dad and remembers her mum making abusive phone calls in front of her. She knows her mum told her to tell lies, she knows her mum lied about her dad. Kids are wiser than we give them credit for sometimes, dont let your son see you stoop to the level is mum has.

Lara44

Hi Simon4aimee

That sounds very difficult, could you keep up contact by letters and cards until this is sorted?

I hope it all works out well for you.

simon4amiee

thank u all for some very good advice, knowing someone else has gone through this helps. I am told by the mother if i contact him at my mums she will then stop him going to my mothers too, and my mum is the only link i have, she tells me he misses me, she tells me he doesnt get treated right at home, and he does write me letters and send me gifts made by his hands. Its been since march, and its getting harder for me, we are in the mediation process shortly, but this process seems to be taken a long time.

How does mediation work, as we fear for our safety, and have police reports of threatening behaviour to prove this, and most recently the ex's husband frightening my mother asking for my new address, of which only a few know, as the ex was one of the main reasons we moved towns.

I constantly seek advice from my solicitor, and these forums have been very good, i wont be slinging mud in court, i really want to, but the only thing that matters to me is seeing my son again, i read tonight all the messages she put, and i have proof she said to me NO CASH NO SON, ive always paid, even more than the CSA said due to her demands, I just felt i cant be bullied anymore, and he deserves stability, not being questioned each time he goes home as to what i have said about her, its bullying and he doesnt like telling on me or saying anything that might get me and then him into trouble.

Its difficult because we hate her for what she is doing but have to bite our tongue to him, as he is not old enough to understand yet, but what i deeply feel is that in time he will want to live with me, as he has his own room, can do what he wants, and has full attention as our only child, when he goes home he has 3 other kids to compete with, has been hospitalised twice by one of them, and he always says he is left out, i assume coz him mother hates me.

but all kids need both parents, and they should choose not the aruing parents.

DX2

What a lovely father! shame you are having so much hassle.

DX2

notsayingaword wrote: »

OP's son is 9 so this quote is not true. Parental responsibility for unmarried partners was only automatically given from December 2003 so he will need to apply for it from the courts - my ex took me to court for custody and was awarded parental rights but I got custody, our son was only 3 at the time (he's 14 now) but your son may be old enough to make a choice. See a family law solicitor to get some advice.

Of course he could have gone and signed the BC at the time, giving him PR.

Emmzi wrote: »

b) some kind of benefit fraud (not sure what)

Child support is no longer linked with benefits.