MIL from Hell - Advice about how to stop her Interfering???

babelfish

My daughter is engaged to a lovely man - they are both 23 and haven't been married before. They decided to get married in August next year and are in the process of arranging everything. We, as parents of the bride, are paying the most money towards the wedding. However, the groom's parents are contributing £2,000 and the couple themselves have savings too that they are going to use.

He only proposed a few weeks ago and his mum (we'll call her Jane)has already driven us mad because she seems to want it to be her "show". She has said a few times already to my daughter that she needn't think she's going to exclude her from the wedding preparations because she will just change her mind about the £2,000.

We've known this woman for quite a few years because we all live in the same town and are regularly bumping into her. I have always intensely disliked her but have been pleasant to her because my daughter was dating her son. To say she is an interfering busybody and a nightmare mother-in-law is an understatement. My daughter wants to enjoy arranging everything and even I, as the bride's mother, am taking a back seat because I know she's quite capable. However, Jane has rung venues etc to find out dates and availability and just can't take on board that my daughter wants to do it herself. She keeps on and on about good places to buy the wedding dress and doesn't know that my daughter and I have already bought one and are waiting for it to be made! If she were to see the dress she would tell the world and his wife what it looks like and my daughter doesn't want her to. She doesn't suggest things she actively "tells" my daughter what she should and shouldn't do! My mum is disabled and she doesn't think its important to choose a venue that can provide easy access for her and her wheelchair either!

I personally think the wedding is traditionally nothing to do with the groom's mum but even so, we're not excluding her. My daughter has already asked her to sort out a couple of things to do with the wedding but she's not going to be happy unless she's arranging absolutely everything. I have told my daughter that she can turn down their offer of £2,000 if it becomes a problem and we'll sort out paying for the whole lot, but I can't see us getting to next August without falling out with this awful woman.

I think this thread is just a vent for me really but any advice would be welcome. Her own son is angry with her, my daughter is upset and Im just not sure what to do with this woman. We really want to keep the peace for the wedding's sake but Im not sure we can.

maggie111

Keep her involved on key decisions... ("Shall we get these horrible, ugly diseased lillies, or these beautiful radiant roses...?" )

Give her something to be in charge of... Guest list rsvps, Evening buffet and disco. What the flower girls will wear. Let her feel important.

The more you try and force her out the worse she'll be. When she talks about a topic that's got nothing to do with her your daughter need only respond "That's still to be decided, thank you for your input. How are the dresses coming on?".

ellay864

What a nightmare that woman sounds...I must say I admire your restraint so far!! I think you're doing everything right and you can have the moral high ground by not resorting to arguments with her. It is your daughter and her OHs big day, and they have every right to choose what they want. Maybe they can look at her suggestions but politely say that they prefer something else. If she threatens to withdraw the money then tell her that's fine and that you will make sure everything's sorted, and that you hope they just enjoy the day as guests! Remember a traditional invite is from the bride's parents inviting peple to the marriage of their daughter to xxxxx. As you said, traditionally the grooms parents take more of a backseat. The fact that your daughter has offered to let her manage certain bits obviously hasn't worked and it sounds like sooner or later somebody has to be blunt with her. If even her own son feels the same way at least you're all on the same side - be more of a nightmare if he was a mummy's boy!! Maybe he would be the best person to say something
I'd say carry on as you are, keep things civil if you can, rise above it. But make sure that your daughter is getting to do things as she wants and not being forced into anything by 'Jane'
Good luck!!

Mayflower10cat

Oh. My. Word..... Sounds a LOT like my sisters MIL - I replied in a previous thread with an expose of how dreadful she'd been regarding her daughters wedding and how 6 years later her youngest son shot off to Scotland with his fiancee inviting no-one to the ceremony!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Argghhhh!!! The weeping & wailing & gnashing of teeth!!!

I'm hearing in my head - 'Yes thank you so much, that'll provide some of the booze for the reception...'

We chose our venue, a little local & modern hotel, because of the disabled access (my dear grandfather & my godmother were both in wheelchairs) and I knew that neither of them would be with us for many more years.... It made my day that they were both there and at the end of the day, it is Your Daughter's big day ....

mimosaurus

to be honest, i think it's your son-in-law to be's responsibility to make it clear to her immediately that she's not the one in control. if it's anyone other than him, she won't get the picture that it's really not ok - although even if it is him i'm sure she will blame others (you and your daughter no doubt!)

i think it's really important that they make their stand now right now - letting her get away with it doesn't stand them in good stead for their marriage and the way she expects to be able to control their lives.

but can i also say, that having been part of horrible uncomfortable family arguments like this, i think it's really important that you try not to bring it up or to really vent when your daughter brings it up, she needs to find a place within her new family as well as staying a part of yours.

hope it all works out!!! xxx

LillythePink

Whilst it may be a case of keeping the peace by letting her be in charge of something, would she be happy with a bit here and there and would your daughter be happy with what she has decided for her? You have said that she is already trying to make their decisions and has rung venues etc, so it would seem like she would like to do it her way so she will choose things that she wants and not maybe with what fits in with the rest of the wedding.

I think at first, it has to be her son that tells her to butt out, it can't be your daughter as then she will be forever the daughter in law from hell who kept her out of the plans, it can't be you as you're the interfering MIL to her darling son so he has to take the bull by the horns and tell her to back off.

You've said that she could hold the £2k over their heads, but that's horrid of her, and you could cover that if needed.

Some mothers are programmed to be like that and just want to have their day totally forgetting that it's actually the "children's" day!

talulahbeige_2

I think your letting your dislike of the lady interfere. The thigns she has suggested just sound like she is trying to help

missy_moo_5

mimosaurus wrote: »

to be honest, i think it's your son-in-law to be's responsibility to make it clear to her immediately that she's not the one in control. if it's anyone other than him, she won't get the picture that it's really not ok - although even if it is him i'm sure she will blame others (you and your daughter no doubt!)

i think it's really important that they make their stand now right now - letting her get away with it doesn't stand them in good stead for their marriage and the way she expects to be able to control their lives.

but can i also say, that having been part of horrible uncomfortable family arguments like this, i think it's really important that you try not to bring it up or to really vent when your daughter brings it up, she needs to find a place within her new family as well as staying a part of yours.

hope it all works out!!! xxx

Ditto, totally. Think it's best he says something now, but don't envy his position. Although he's cross himself he probably still is torn as he doesn't want to alienate his Mum, but it is defo best coming from him. Maybe he ought to stress the point that the planning between bride and mother is something they are and always were looking forward to sharing and are entitled to enjoy (blunt, but sounds as if she calls a spade a spade herself)?

I would be very surprised to hear that Jane had a daughter - I suspect this is either her only child or she has only sons - otherwise "traditionally" (not saying I agree!) she may have been saving her "attentions" for being a M.O.B.

I would have suggested giving her tasks of her own but sounds like that has already been tried. Other than that.... a very thick skin, lots of "ohhh maybe" at her suggestions and even more "what a good idea but we've already sorted it out, thank you (and a big smile!)" may just keep the peace (but very hard, I know from experience!).

Good luck x

shellsuit

How awful is that, if you don't take my advice and do what I want, you're not having the money??????

If I were the happy couple, I'd say "fine, if that's how you feel, we will find the money from somewhere else"

If Jane says "Oh I have seen some delightful purple bows for the tables" and your daughter hates them, all your daughter needs to say is "They're nice, but that's already sorted thanks"

If Jane starts prying about stuff, your daughter and Jane's son just need to suggest that they are keeping that under wraps tilll the day as they would love it to be a suprise for all their guests.

Or they could tell her that X is something that they (happy couple) would like to arrange and sort out themselves.

It's their wedding and the woman needs to be told this.

I have ranted about my OH's Dad and stepMum who have had nothing to do with our wedding at all, but I think I'd rather that than someone trying to step on my toes all the time!

Just wait till Jane finds out the dress is already bought, oh my word, I would love to be a fly on the wall!

LarnaB

I think you should say "You're not coming to the wedding! That will save us some money and you can !!!!!! off" That's what I would say, she's using money to boss people around...That is just Wrong!

shellsuit

talulahbeige wrote: »

I think your letting your dislike of the lady interfere. The thigns she has suggested just sound like she is trying to help

She has said a few times already to my daughter that she needn't think she's going to exclude her from the wedding preparations because she will just change her mind about the £2,000

That is trying to help?

That is being immature by wanting things her own way ~ it's not her wedding so she should butt out if her help isn't needed.