Going home

floss2

OP I tink you need to make a double-length appointment with your GP and talk to them about your difficulties, sooner rather than later before things become even more challenging.

You also need to chase up your counselling - 6 months is a long time to have to wait and you need their help as much as anyone else.

To those who can only lambast the OP - obviously your lives are perfect as you do not seem to understand that others may have difficulties doing what are regarded as normal things through no fault of their own.

Fuzzy_Duck

Is there something you can get from your GP to calm your anxiety when you get the train? I know it's a quick fix rather than a permanent solution (and I agree with previous posters than counselling would be beneficial) but it would mean you can visit you mum sooner rather than later. Someone else might know what I'm on about- I'm fairly sure people scared of flying are sometimes prescribed a drug that relaxes them for the journey, so I see no reason you couldn't have similar.

Best of luck x

chloe99_2

I think those who have said you are selfish or immature havent actually been reading your posts properly as you obviously have some problems with travelling alone.

I dont necessarily think counselling or doctors would be of much help.

What i think would be great for you though would be to start your own little program of tiny tiny steps, every other day at least if possible, and gradually build them up. Try to be in places for a very short time that make you feel a tiny bit uncomfortable. Then do it more often and for longer, before you know it you will be okay and you can move on to something different that feels a tiny bit uncomfortable (which would probably have felt very uncomfortable before you started your program).

If, for example, being alone is the problem, make sure you go out for a 10 minute errand without dogs or hubby at least once a day.

If it is public transport then het the bus every other day and travel a single stop to do an errand.

About your visit to your Mum, I think you sho7uld take a deep breath and go asap as it will just boil away in your mind making you worry til you ahev done it. Once its done you can breath a sigh of relief and start your training program with a goal of say getting to your Mums on the train more happily in time for say Christmas or something.

xx

belfastgirl23

BTW I found rescue remedy really helpful when I was suffering from anxiety attacks - you can buy it in pretty much any chemist. You can even get it in chewing gum form now (although IMHO it's disgusting ) - maybe worth a try

SandC

There are obviously anxiety issues here but this is a time when you must bite the bullet and do it - what did you do before you met your husband? Plus, you've done it before.

Think on in your situation right now. Suppose it was YOUR husband who passed away and not your mums. Would you perhaps be needing your daughter to be around, to put herself out to help her both practically and emotionally? I know you are grieving too but you have your husband to lean on, your mother doesn't. She needs you.

You've put it off too long and I suspect counselling will only allow you to give yourself another excuse to put it off even longer. These things are never as bad when you actually do them as you thought they were going to be.

Think on as well if something happened to your husband, you need to have some coping skills in life and now is the time to learn them.

Go for it, be brave and things will get better. I promise.

Frosti

OP, I feel for you. I quite understand and share your nervousness at using public transport. Lots of people have given you good advice for the longer term - but you need to get over to see your Mum very soon - tomorrow isn't it?

I would suggest getting hold of some rescue remedy before you set out; take it when those panicky feelings start on the train; a few drops works wonders. If you need some more a bit later on in the journey - that's fine.

Secondly, why not take your best-behaved dog with you? A three hour train journey is fine for a dog (who's had a walk on the way to the station). Plus you'll have an excuse to get out of the house without upsetting your Mum, if your emotions get too much at Dad's absence from the family home ("Just need to take the dog for a walk, Mum"). In that situation walking will help you calm yourself anyway, and if you need to, you can get yourself out of Mum's sight and cry into the dog's fur and - if your dog's like mine - s/he'll try and lick away your tears.. (hard not to smile when they do that!). In short, your dog would be a huge comfort to help you get this first visit done.

After that, well, you'll know you can do it! If the dog misbehaves or Mum isn't very welcoming then you'll have more time to develop alternative coping strategies before your next visit.

Good Luck; I shall be thinking of you, sending positive vibes this weekend.

ailuro2

Face the fear and do it anyway...

that's the only way to overcome fear.

your Mum would probably love to see you, even if it is just for a five minute hug, maybe she doesn't like to push you and she will be the one with the stiff upper lip - sounds like she kept you busy last time you were there, was it so YOU had something to do, or to stop you talking to her and her breaking down. It is part of the process and you will go through it at different times. Accept this when it happens.

While you're there why not take a laptop with you and have a look for a girly night away with her on the anniversary of your Dad's death - that way you'll have months to prepare for it and you can choose somewhere that your Dad liked too and go for walks and long chats together and light a candle in remembrance as it were.

Pee

You have said that your Mum has a similiar problem, in that she wouldn't feel able to travel to see you either.

My Mum can be very like this, although when it came to taking me to University, she drove on a motorway, scared to death but she did it because that was important enough to her. At the same time she tells my sister all the time that she cannot do things on her own, meaning that my sister doesn't and in my opinion misses out on a lot in life.

I am not saying that it is the same for you, but I am inclined to think my mother has a real problem with nerves, but that my sister is effectively copying this behaviour, my mother is teaching her that this normal. It is not normal for a person over the age of about 21 to be unable to travel three hours by train with no changes involved. Please try and if you really feel that you cannot do this, seek help.

Mutter_2

mackemdave wrote: »

Agree with above....your Dad died 6mths ago and this is the first time youve seen your Mum since then...and just a 3hr train journey away AND your are away on your Mums first birthday since she lost her husband....SELFISH VERY VERY SELFISH!!!!!!!!! if you ask me

Crisp lost her her dad too, her mother wont visit her for the same reasons. Nor do I understand what mother's birthday has to do with the death of crisp's father.

Was mother comforting daughter every other day via phone? If not, why not.

Why all sympathy for widow, not for daughter?

Crisp doesn't sound selfish at all. She is in constant contact with her mother, just scared of the train journey.

It may be more common than we think. I know of two young men who feel extreme anxiety at travelling by train.
I, on going through a stressful time, developed a fear of escalators, gone now. That was after 10 years of London commuting running up and down escalators every day.
Came from nowhere and I didn't link it at the time to stress.

For those here who have no fear of anything, snakes, heights, travel etc, then but for the Grace of God and all that, it could happen to you, so don't be so smug.

Crisp, when you see the GP, please dont settle for Beta Blockers, ask to see a Psychotherapist via counselling.

Quote from NHS.
"Psychotherapy is a way of helping people to overcome stress, emotional problems, relationship problems or troublesome habits."

As for taking a dog with you, it's a nice thought. However when I did it, was charged full fare and poor white dog sat on filthy floor, so check first.

Emmzi

can you take something to distract you on the train? a book, knitting, a handheld video game?

make sure you book a seat

and I set my phone alarm or watch alarm to ring 10 mins before I am due at my station so I don't fret about missing it.