Going home

Crisp_£_note

Hi

I am planning to catch the train back 'home' to see my Mum. This will be the first time since my Dads funeral in February. I have kept putting it off hoping to have someone come with me but hubby and mum-in-law ar both too busy all the time.

So I have to brave it on the train by myself. Its a 3 hour journey (which I have done three times alone before but not since). Hubby is dropping me off at a station half an hour away so I can get a train straight through as I hate having to change trains and hang about for connections but still have to arrange someone to pick me up other end though.

My Mum doesnt know yet of my plans, I am gong to call her this evening and see what she is doing over the weekend. If she has no plans I will go ahead. If she says she is doing something then I will probably leave it.

It is her birthday on 14th August but I wont be able to go and see her that weekend as I am away.

I am scared about the journey and although I am desparately wanting to see my Mum again after so long (I speak to her on the phone every other day) I am wondering if I should abandon my idea and arrange another time with her so we can have some 'healing' time and some mum and daughter 'bonding' time rather than just a rush home to give her a hug and feel I have to be strong for her and hold my emotions back.

When I went home and stayed for the week after my Dads funeral Mum had me doing paperwork and all kinds of things for her, which I was happy to help with, but I just want to spend time with her (quality daughter & mum time, like a day out) not sorting stuff out for her (I already do enough of that over the phone).

Its only me who knows my plans at the moment but I feel so guilty if I cancel them as though I have bottled out again.

Thanks for any advice.

talulahbeige_2

Everytime you put it off it will make it harder when you do actually do it!

When i first read this i couldnt decide if it was real or not but seeing the amount of posts you make i decided you were, however you do seem very immature.
You miss your mum but have put off seeing her becasue you dont like train journeys!
You want to spend "quality" time with her and not help her out with paperwork, maybe she needs help with paper work and is in a position where she needs her daughters support
When my dad passed away i had to take over all that sort of thing and act like a grown up!

Pee

Go.

Three hours on a train is nothing. You won't even be able to finish a book in that time.

Sounds like your hubby is being great and understanding, taking you to the other station. If you are old enough to be married, you are old enough to use a train on your own!

I would suggest that a short visit might be easiest for starters, but go, get the first visit out of the way, be available for her if she does need help with the paperwork - just someone to help go through it can be very useful.

It probably should be just you and your mum, rather than your mother in law or your husband being there. I don't have a great relationship with my mum, wheras it sounds like you do.

It can be hard to know what to say and whether your mum wants to talk about your dad dying, she probably does, it's ok to say that you don't know what to say, she'll understand that.

betti911

I'm really sorry about the loss of your Dad. I suppose people deal with grief in different ways. I can only say what I would do but I'd go see my Mum even if its just for a hug, for her if not for you. I would imagine that your Mum will be needing your help, support and company, not your husbands so it doesn't matter if he comes anyway. As for the train ride why don't you take a good book, magazine or ipod and use the time to have a rest. Three hours isn't a long way to travel on your own.

Make-it-3

Are you really scared of taking the train or that spending time with your mum will bring all those feelings to the surface?

As you rightly say, you have been putting it off and looks like you are seeking encouragement here to do so again. Why haven't you told your mum of your plans - I guess you're hoping she have something on and that's your excuse not to go.

It's been a long time since February, but the longer you leave it the harder it will be. So what if she still needs help with paperwork etc, that's all part and parcel of the support she needs. I'm sure you'll find the time to talk as well.

You'll probably find that the trip will be good for you too.

nickyhutch

I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. But. Your Dad died 6 months ago and you've not seen your Mum since, despite only living a 3 hour train ride away? Get on that train and go see your Mum, lady!

I honestly don't see what your problem is. Get a book, pack a picnic and go.

Crisp_£_note

Make-it-3 wrote: »

Are you really scared of taking the train or that spending time with your mum will bring all those feelings to the surface?

As you rightly say, you have been putting it off and looks like you are seeking encouragement here to do so again. Why haven't you told your mum of your plans - I guess you're hoping she have something on and that's your excuse not to go.

It's been a long time since February, but the longer you leave it the harder it will be. So what if she still needs help with paperwork etc, that's all part and parcel of the support she needs. I'm sure you'll find the time to talk as well.

You'll probably find that the trip will be good for you too.

Both scared of the train and the emotions. Plus being alone, even when I am at home alone I am not as I have 2 dogs for company. I hate being anywhere without hubby or someone its scares me silly, never mind the thought of having to cope with crowded trainstations, trains, open spaces :eek: (I lead the life of a hermit almost).

My mum is the same she wont come visit me so one of us has to do it.

Of course I wasnt looking for encouragement to put it off just a bit of moral support and understanding. Nobody has supported me through my grief they are all too busy with their own. I have been waiting since March to see a councelor as their busy with other people so I must be patient.

Thanks

Pixiechic

Hi,

I agree with the other posts, you just sound like you are trying to find an excuse not to go. What you say doesn't make sense, your hubby or MIL can't go with you so you think you should leave it so you can arrange some Mother and Daughter time. Well, won't this be that time? You too alone? Or are you waiting for a time when hubby will come too?

You do sound very immature and maybe a bit selfish. Your Mother may well need you to help to organise things and why not? She might really appreciate your help and time whilst you are worried about a three hour train journey. All you have to do is walk on, sit down and then get off at your stop. Simple. Take a book or a mag and it will e no time at all.

Your Mum may prefer to see you alone, not with your MIL sat there too. It's just a weekend and I think that you will feel better for seeing her once you have done it.

It's not an easy time for you either but I would have thought that your Mum losing her life partner must be very difficult. Having some support from you could be just what she needs.

Crisp_£_note

Thanks for the help everyone. I think I need to go see my doctor when I have come back form seeing my Mum this weekend. I think I may have a mental problem somewhere as I find it hard to do things alone. Even more so recently I am afraid to leave my husband incase something happens to him or me.

Have a nice weekend. Hope the sun shines.

belfastgirl23

i think it's really important that you go. Not just for your mum but for yourself too. As someone who has suffered a little with exactly the kind of thing you're identifying (I also find travelling pretty stressful) I think it's really important for me to keep doing it. Because if I stop then it all starts to build up in my mind again. the more I do it, the easier it is to do. I know exactly what you're identifying now, the 'can I put it off' feeling but if you keep putting it off you become even less capable of doing it.

And the feeling of euphoria you get if you've done something difficult is amazing!

Think not of how you're feeling now but of how you'll feel next week if you do go or don't go. if you do go you'll be hugely relieved. If you don't go you'll feel guilty. Which do you prefer?

On another note, would it help to get some counselling for some of these issues? Living a hermit life with just your dogs doesn't sound like much fun.

**oops cross posted, I see you got there with the Doctor thing at the same time I did **

Crisp_£_note

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

i think it's really important that you go. Not just for your mum but for yourself too. As someone who has suffered a little with exactly the kind of thing you're identifying (I also find travelling pretty stressful) I think it's really important for me to keep doing it. Because if I stop then it all starts to build up in my mind again. the more I do it, the easier it is to do. I know exactly what you're identifying now, the 'can I put it off' feeling but if you keep putting it off you become even less capable of doing it.

And the feeling of euphoria you get if you've done something difficult is amazing!

Think not of how you're feeling now but of how you'll feel next week if you do go or don't go. if you do go you'll be hugely relieved. If you don't go you'll feel guilty. Which do you prefer?

On another note, would it help to get some counselling for some of these issues? Living a hermit life with just your dogs doesn't sound like much fun.

**oops cross posted, I see you got there with the Doctor thing at the same time I did **

I feel like I could just thinking about it all its not just a simple as a train ride I have a life I must live like it or loath it I care for everyone except myself. To a point it turns me selfish!

Thank you for understanding its nice not to feel alone, silly or stupid in a positive kind of remark I mean of course!