Cheating?please help

mummyofboys

karen_newcastle wrote: »

Not quite a black and white as that though is it? He is displaying secretive and suspicious behaviour and that really drives people to do what they do. I dont think you should judge someone or blame her for what her BF is doing (or isn't doing!)

My thoughts were that the convo sounded fairly innocent, like they dont speak regularly but I do appreicate how you much feel. I've been in a relationship when he was cheating (via internet and texts) and I know how it makes you feel. He told every lie in the book to avoid being caught out and for a long time, because I trusted him, I believed him. In my case that trust was totally abused by him.

I hope you get this sorted out xx

Thanks, Yes it isnt black and white, we have made it through some very rough times, In september we went on holiday I was 11 weeks pregnant ( planned ) and so wasnt drinking, a few nights he asked if i minded him going out to the bars ( I had to stay in with our three year old and wasnt drinking anyway due to pregnancy) I said yes, he rolled in at 5am when all the bars shut at 2. I was obviously livid, as he ruined the next day of our family holiday by being sick and hungover. Yet two days later he asked again, so I agreed thinking he would learn from him mistake, I said can you be no later then 2am as I would like to do some stuff tomorrow, again he rolled in way past the clubs shutting.

When we came back he was tagged in some pictures on facebook and it turns out he met a girl. So whilst I was pregnant and trusting is abused my trust and then everything he could to deney what was right there even in photos.

Since then (I moved out a couple of weeks) things have been great, and so I was just concerned at his secretive behaviour and then I prob escalated the conversation in my head. Although telling another woman he always thinks of her stil slightly worries me.

bubbles0169

i wasnt trying to hurt you with the 'pushing away' comment, i was just covering all areas as i dont know you

PinkPeach

Firsty, big hug. I know how horrible you must be feeling right now. I had a similar thing a long time ago with my fiancee and it was awful. I was caught looking at his phone so the whole thing came into the open and in a way I'm glad it did as I've no idea how I'd have approached it otherwise. As everyone's relationship is different all I can offer you in terms of advice is that sometimes, some men (not all), seem to think that things are acceptable, when in the mind of a woman they are not. It took quite a while for my other half to see my point of view on things like this, despite the fact he'd hate it if the situation were reversed. For now I'd ignore the text conversation that you found, I know it's hard but I'd just see what happens. If you still feel uneasy about all this in a while then perhaps you should talk to him about it - although I realise this is difficult when you've looked at something you shouldn't and have the possibility of him turning it around on you. I hope things work out for you.

paulwf

karen_newcastle wrote: »

Not quite a black and white as that though is it? He is displaying secretive and suspicious behaviour and that really drives people to do what they do. I dont think you should judge someone or blame her for what her BF is doing (or isn't doing!)

He turns his phone off when he is out of the house. One persons "secretive and suspicious behaviour" is another person not trusting their partner for no reason. Iphones have poor battery life so even with charging daily it makes sense to conserve battery, plus incoming texts and calls will needlessly annoy anyone else left in the house.

paulwf

jay_mi10 wrote: »

I came on here for support and advice not for people to slag me off.

Sorry, I understand you don't want to hear another side to the story and only want people to back up your assumptions. Therefore I will now amend my advice:

My new advice is that you are of course 100% right and he is having an affair with his ex. You must dump him straight away and take him for every penny he has.

Is that what you wanted me to say? If you trusted him you would have asked him if you could check his phone. As you don't trust him I think your relationship is over, even if he isn't having an affair you'll never be satisfied in your head that he isn't so it doesn't matter either way. Without trust a relationship is dead.

carolinejane_2

if he can't be trusted when you are pregnant on holiday and again when your wedding is all booked

how will you ever trust him the rest of your lives?

sorry to be blunt

katsmasterplan

I agree.
Firstly, if you felt the need to go through his phone (which I can kind of understand because there is a lack of trust after everything he has done in the past) then the relationship has serious problems regardless of whether or not he still likes his ex.
The 'texting his ex' thing, you can't really pin anything on him, he hasn't technically done anything wrong but if it were me I'd be livid because he hadn't told me, it seems to me like he tried to steer the relationship away from anythig involving him being committed to you, feels like he was trying to pave the way to either flirt or try it on with her. I don't think any of us here would speak like that with an ex? Playing your relationship down. He also knows how you feel about it and if he had respect for you, and didn't care whether or not he spoke to her again, he would just stop it!
What he did on holiday is obviously still an issue for you, and it looks like you don't really communicate, and he knows you will just let thing go after a bit. It's just going to happen again and again. You can't ignore these issues, you have to talk them through, come to an understanding and then let them go.
If you don't trust him, he doesn't respect you, and you don't communicate, then your relationship is in real trouble.
I hope you can sort it, but sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge, You need to have a long talk.

Emma1988

HUGS
I can understand you suspecting something, esp how you said he behaved on holiday. I wouldnt like to be left alone while he went out and stubbled in. Even the most stable relationships have moments of is he cheating? I personally dont like how he said ' i always think of you' thats really hurtful to you and you NEED to sit him down and talk to him and tell him how you feel. Theres no point in bottling it up.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

frannyann

It appears he is mainly guilty of being a bit thoughtless to his partner who is a new mother and feeling a bit insecure (been there, done that!!)
Men are fairly obvious if they are cheating and think that you can't access the method of communication, so the convo would have been more like:
Him: So, you up for it friday night?
Her: Might be ;-)
Him: Well, you seemed to be into it last night!
Her: Cheeky! Any way thought you were loved up?
Him: Nah, not getting married or anything silly, just having a bit of fun!

Etc....

His convo was was more:
Him: Not rushing anything ( not married yet, cos not really got round to it!)
Him: Will get married soonish (wedding is, like, a million years away! Going to do my speech the night before in a mad rush, sweating a bit)

karen_newcastle

OP - You probably need to think long and hard about this one.

Trust is a major factor in a successful relationship. Once it's gone it's extremely difficult to get it back and then it's a slippery slope. Living with someone you dont trust will be a living nightmare.

Do you trust him?

If the answer is not YES then you probably need to re-evaluate you future