Do I stay or do I go?

Spikey_2

Whatever you decide I am sure you have the support of all your friends on MSE.... which includes ME.

Spikey

Allexie

Dan29 wrote:

My parents split up when I was about 12 and I was much happier living with my mum than I'd been listening to them arguing all the time. I remember how upsetting it was to be in bed and hear them shouting at each other downstairs most nights - and then they'd be needling at each other during the day too.

I had very similar experiences....and I was 12 too when my parents finally split. Looking back, it was the right think for them to do...might even have been better had they not struggled on so long trying to make a go of it.

I can't say that I was not deeply affected by all the trauma and upheaval though....my school work certainly suffered at the time. Fortunately I was able to catch up eventually.

The worst part for me after the split was that my parents fought for custody of me through the courts and I was forever being uprooted and passed from one parent to the other as various judges changed their minds about parental suitability.

What I would say to you, if you do decide to go, is try to give your son as much stability in his new life as you can and, if at all possible (and it will be soooo hard I know), try to keep a reasonably civil relationship with his father. If you can avoid lengthy legal negotiations re custody and financial arrangements then that would be all for the good.

Having been through separation and divorce myself now a couple of times I would also say...listen to legal advice but make up your own mind in the end. Solicitors can sometimes just be out to get the best financial deal for you, (and them!) without taking into account the quality of relationships after all the wrangling is over.

I do wish you all the very best and hope that you soon move on to happier times.






*prepares to be shot down in flames by lurking legal eagles*

elvis_bloggs

If you are absolutely sure that there is nothing left in the marriage, if it is completely dead then you must leave, in the end it is much fairer to your husband and child, life moves on. There is no use in being soft with advice, face facts and act on them.

Josie_Jump_3

My mum and dad split up when I was 12, although it was tough to understand things at that age (I wasn't really aware of my mums unhappiness) it hasn't had a negative effect on me. What is important to me is my mums happiness and I look back now (I'm 33 now) and know that there's no way my mum could have stayed in such a unhappy marriage. Mum's been re-married for over 15 years and my step-dad is more of a dad to me than my own father. My daughter will always know my step-dad as one of her grandads and he adores her.

Life is too short to have regrets, if you are unhappy and are sure of your feelings then leave and make you & your son a new life. Don't waste 5, 10, 15 years of your life trying to make something work that is obviously broken.

hilstep2000

I know how you feel, we tried to continue with our marriage after a really bad time, and soldiered on for another 10 years, getting more and more remote from each other, and in the end really hating each other. We split up when the kids were 14 and 10. My son suffered a bit at first, but the school counsellor helped him a lot. We've now been divorced for four years, I've met someone else who my kids adore, and they still see their Dad twice a week. We were very amicable over the divorce, and now, always put the needs of the kids before ourselves, (I have to bite my tongue sometimes!). So I think you should ask yourselves, will your son be happier? I know my children are.
One last point, do you own your house? If so, stay put, and ask your husband to leave, it's really difficult to get anything if you've left, and your husband has to provide somewhere for your son to live. (I found this out when I was starting divorce proceedings, I stayed in the house with the kids, and it was sorted out from there)

Good luck to you anyway, if you want someone to talk to, please PM me.

nearlyrich

I split from my ex when my children were very young, now very happily remarried to a lovely man who has been a great stepdad and I have no regrets, my children have turned out really well, one at Uni and second one going in September.

It hasn't always been easy, especially in the beginning when I had no money, debts from my ex's free spending, no social life, visicous circle or what.

I can understand your parents position, mine felt the same, but were very supportive when I needed help to get back on my feet, babysitting so I could get a job etc. Hopefully once they realise how unhappy you are, they will support you and your son and help to give him some stability in what will be a tricky time for all of you. Not sure how old your son is but there is never a good time to leave.

In the end it is your life and your decision, sadly marriage is not always a happy state and only you can decide what to do. I hope it all works out for you and your son, best of luck whatever you decide.

rushnowt

Hiya Matron

You sound as though you have really made your own mind up but need some reassurance, we can all give you our veiws and advice from our own personal circumstances but it really is up to you to make that final decision.

You want the best for your son and i can fully understand that, but you have to consider your needs too, if the marriage is over and there is no love left you really have to think about having your own needs met and by doing that you will inevitably make your son happier, if you are happy your son will be happy.

If you chose to remain in a marriage that is loveless and dead, your son will grow up to beleive that is the norm

I hope you make the right decision and wish you and your son all the love, luck and best wishes in the world x

Reed_Richards

Is your son old enough to ask his opinion on whether to stay together or split up? If he has no respect for his father he might favour the split option. If he opts for stay then you would have to explain that you would try your best but it still might not work out. Okay, this is a huge responsibility to place on young shoulders but surely it is more important to consult your son than consult your parents?

My wife's father was a very angry man and although he was only verbally abusive, his children lived in fear of his temper. My wife wanted her father and mother to split up, long before they actually did.

Matron_2

Thanks for all your replies. My son is 7 years old and has little respect for his dad, but I want him to love him and someday have a really close relationship with him. But most of you are right. I think deep down I have decided that to leave would be best but to be honest am scared of that first move. But reading your comments has really boosted my confidence, so thanks for that.

Matron :rolleyes:

Dan29

Of course it's scary, and difficult, and horrible - but you only get one life ... do you want to spend the rest of it being unhappy? All the best, whatever happens.