How and what am i going to tell my 2 boys?

Feisty_Fairy

Hi guys,

Well my dear old Gran died today at the grand old age of 93, it was sudden as she had only been a little off colour for a few days.

Everyone is as you can imagine devastated and i really need to be there for my Mum (gran lived with her for past 22 years). But what im dreading more than anything is explaining to my 2 boys what has happened.

My eldest is 7 but we have been told emotionally he is around 12 months behind and my youngest is 3. We are not religious people and i personally dont believe in god, so dont want to tell them anything like that, but i am a spiritual person, in that i believe everyone has a time and everything happens for a reason. I also belive that when we die, our soul lives on and that we can still communicate with our loved ones.

I dont want to tell them that as it will scare them but i have never had to face this situation before and i am so scared!

Anyone got any advice on what i can tell them? I pick my youngest up at 3 and my elsdest will be home around 3.45, i would rather tell them and then let them have time to come to terms with it rather than leave it to drag out.

Any advie will be greatly received.

Regards,

Feisty:(

pdoff

sorry i have no advice but just wanted to pass on my condolences. I go to an Anglican church & my 4 year old is content knowing that great grandad lives with other great grandma & jesus. not much help to you though i'm afraid.
good luck with whatever you decide to tell them.

elljay20

I think what you said in your post about your beliefs is fine. I personally would have gone down the heaven route had this been me. You don't have to overdo it and go on about god and all that but if in the same position i would have gone on about angels thought it was time to take grandma to grandad so they can be together again (if appropriate) Also mention it's a better place and that grandma can't get sick now or any older and that she will always be watching out for them. Hope some of this helps. The reason i go with a watered down "traditional" version is because they would probably heard some of this stuff before at school etc and can reconcile it with what's happened. As they get older they will decide for themselves what they thinks.
Hope i've not offended anyone it's just my opinion.
P.s fiesty fairy, Sorry about your gran, hope you're holding up.
good luck

Feisty_Fairy

Thanks for your replies so far, elljay20 i agree the angels is a good idea and i too believe in angels anyway and that the angels tale care of you so maybe thats the best thing to say, but i just know there are going to be questions i cannot answer and i also dont want to cry in front of them as thats not going to help matters.

Feisty

Bossyboots

Sorry to hear your news.

To be honest, I think you should simply say that she has died. Children are much better at taking in things that are presented in simple terms. If you say she has gone to the angels they may start to want the angels to bring her back (this happened with a child I was working with once) or really not understand the full implication.

Please don't worry about crying in front of them. You can tell them you are sad and will miss her and that makes you cry but that it is normal.

I have been through this in stages with my children and they do understand the basics. My daughter was just under three when my Gran died. We hadn't really said anything as we assumed she was too young. The next time we were at my aunty's, my daughter asked me what had happened to the lady who used to sit in the big chair. I was a bit take aback but I simply told her that she had died and that we wouldn't see her anymore but would always remember her. She was happy with that answer and went off to catch the cat.

As my children grew up we have had a number of deaths in the family and we have always dealt with it head on with no fairy stories and it has worked for us.

You need to not bombard them with too much detail. They will gradually ask as they absorb it. My young nephew was just four when my dad died. He understood what had happened but on the day of the funeral was totally bemused by the flowers on the he!!!!. He ran off and I had to chase after him and he then asked me why there were so many flowers when grandad wasn't here to see them. I explained to him that the flowers were sent because people wanted to say goodbye and I love and will miss you and flowers were a symbol of that. He was happy with that explanation and came back to the house quite happily.

elljay20

i don't think you have much choice but to wing it. And to be honest the crying thing is going to be pretty inevitable i think. Even if you manage not to cry whilst telling them, If your children cry i think it will set you off. My only other suggestion is to ring your local spiritualist church and speak to someone there. See what they advise you to tell your children there as they may have dealt with this within their congregation

Feisty_Fairy

Thanks for the advice peeps i am just going to explain to them she has died and then take it from there, i will have to answer any questions as they come but they may just accept it.

Thanks again and take care all of you

Bossyboots

I think forum censorship is going a bit far when you put in the name for a funeral car and it gets changed.

Rikki

I have lost close family members when my children were young.
I told them about their Great-Gran. She went to sleep and forgot to wake up.

Becles

Just tell them she has died. My eldest was nearly 3 when my Grandad died. I just explained said he had a poorly heart and it wore out and couldn't be fixed, so Grandad died. He was happy enough with that.

He went to the funeral and I explained each bit to him, and he was ok with it all. As the coffin was lowered I said he had to say his final goodbyes. He said "bye bye Grandad. Don't worry about the tomatoes - I'll pick them for you". It raised a smile at a very sad time.

Sorry you have to go through this. It's an awful task that you have to do. Thinking of you xx

silvercar

My kids lost two great grandmothers in a short space of time. What really freaked them out was that they didn't realise that being a "great" grandparent meant that they were a generation older than their grandparents. They were very concerned that all their other grandparents were going to go within the year. Just shows that things we take for granted sometimes need explaining.