separation, wife leaving me with 4 children

raffe

silvercar wrote:

Spoke to a (male) friend in similar circumstances to you.

If you let her get away with it, you will be at her beck and call for the next 10 years. She has decided she wants out, she has moved away and now decides that you will look after the children full time. You have to take control of the situation or you will be run into the ground physically, emotionally and financially (he was). She is taking advantage of the fact that you still care for her and she knows you care for the children.

You need to deliver the children to her, when you go to work. If that means taking them there the night before as you start early then so be it. By finding somewhere to live that is not large enough for someone with children she is walking away from her responsibilities - don't let her. She is relying on you to take over. She will continue to put pressure on you until you stand up to her; do it now rather than finding yourself in the situation where you are pleading with her for her to take some of the responsibilites. She will manipulate the situation so that you feel you will be letting the children down if you don't do what she wants eg. "the kids are so used to being at home with you, if you force me to look after them their routine will be upset."

Its very easy to walk away if you know someone will pick up the pieces. If she thinks that your not prepared to take full and sole responsibility she will have to think of someone apart from herself.

remember though that these are kids who have feelings, you cannot just treat them like packages, this sounds really cruel on the kids to do this, yes the mother is being really cruel and selfish, however the kids don't need to be reminded of it everyday they are delivered kids should be put first at all times.

hjb123

Sorry to hear of your situation. How old are the children? Either way I would put them first - and dont rely on your ex looking after them all day everyday. If you did give up your job would you be able to do some work from home or odd jobs or self employed to fit around the children?

AnnieH

I should get straight down to CAB and sort out a residence order. And get onto the CSA too.

Hope you'll be ok

onthelookoutforbargains

Thanks to everyone who repliled, lots of great advice. My wife is due to move out at the weekend into a rented flat with her new boyfriend. leaving the 4 children with me. She has found a rented house but it will not be ready for 2 weeks! when she expects to come and take the children. I have an appointment with my solictor this week, to discuss what my opitions are, As regards custody of the children, because in my eyes she is abanoning the kids in preference to being with him.
children are aged 3, 5, 9 and 11

hobo28

This is a difficult one. Technically speaking, once she leaves, she no longer has the status quo. I'm sure your solicitor will tell you that. So from there on, you become the resident parent. However, that really in practice is a moot point. After 2 weeks, the courts are not really going to be that bothered if it ever got to that stage. Especially as she will claim it was agreed that it was a temporary measure.

Things to think about are, if she does come back for the children after 2 weeks what would you do? Refuse access? What if she then throws an absolute wobbler, how would this affect the kids? Without a court order, she could then just remove them from school (This is what my ex did to me).

Also, how are you going to juggle work/family? Or are you prepared to give up your job/career to take care of the kids? How will you manage financially.

I'm sure these are questions which you've been thinking about already.

My advice is to plan for the worst, ie. you are resident parent and have to fight to establish this. But at the same time, can you suggest to your wife that you discuss the arrangements after say a week once the "dust settles"? I was in a similar situation years ago and found that after a couple of weeks, my ex enjoyed her freedom a bit too much and didn't want to have the kids back.

Finally, what do the kids want? No matter what happens, you have a duty to ensure they still have a meaningful relationship with their mother.