separation, wife leaving me with 4 children

onthelookoutforbargains

Me and my wife are separating, she is moving out to be with her new partner in a flat they will be renting. i have 4 children which she say she will come and look after while i am at work( which i don't believe as i work shift's with 6:00am starts). My head is in a constant spin since she told me three weeks about her and him. she was going to take the children when she moved out but couldn't find a house bigger enough. When she does move out i am in two minds whether two apply to the court for a resindence order, cos in my eyes she as abandoned her children to go and live with him. any advice would be much apprecaited thanks.

withabix

Sounds to me like she never intended to take the kids with her.

I'm sorry but I think she's scamming you with that one.

silvercar

presumably she will be paying you maintenance if you have custody of the 4 children.

hobo28

Plan on her not having the kids whilst you work. I can't see her doing that every day.

Can you juggle work? Is there a chance to swap shifts or something? Is there family who can help?

Worst case scenario of course is that you give up your job and be full time carer to the kids.

There's no need to go to court yet for a residence order as there is nothing to disagree about. You have the kids, she's left them with you. The only problem is if at a future date she decides that she wants them back again. Usually thats about the same time as the CSA start chasing her!

kiansmummy

Hi I am going through a separation but not as bad as yours. There is a website that I believe i founf on mse http://entitledto.co.uk/ which bascially tells you what benefits you will be entitled to.

You can apply for working family tax credit as a single dad plus make sure you get the child benefit for each child. You may also qualify for free school meals I am having to look into this.

Also worth contacting your local solicitor as they have one that deals with just family specific things and will have all up to date legal rights etc.

hope this helps and keep in touch i coz I may find out more being in a similar boat to you.

Keep positive for the little ones or big ones know it is hard but they pull you through at the end of the day, well mine do anyway

shymanuk

hi i was left with 3 kids, when my ex of 15 yrs decided to up and go and left kids with me........ theres a lot more to it but not for here, anyway to cut a long story short, im a builder ie early starts had to be leaving home at 5 am and getting in 7pmish.... i ended up giving my job up to take care of my kids, she hasnt seen them for over 5 yrs ...... she knows where i live and its her lost ......... i say put your kids first no matter what happens ........ you can always go back to work......... but you cant replace your kids ......... i hope you get some help and some people to talk to if ever you feel the need....... my ears are always here ..... i know it seems a very hard time at the mom, but it will get better, but takes time,i was lucky had a great family arround me ......... now im with someone else and soon to be moving in together ....... keep faith . and your kids will reward you and they will know who cared for them .... and you will be able to hold your head high and say you did your best by kids ............. that is a honourable .....thing now days ....... i wish you well

Rachie_B

im so sorry to hear what you are going through / will be going through

how old are the children ? are they all at school every day?

i think you are going to have to tell your boss and see what arrangements you can come to re hours / start times etc

I wish you luck at this hard time ,shyman what a lovely post you sound like a fab daddy

silvercar

Spoke to a (male) friend in similar circumstances to you.

If you let her get away with it, you will be at her beck and call for the next 10 years. She has decided she wants out, she has moved away and now decides that you will look after the children full time. You have to take control of the situation or you will be run into the ground physically, emotionally and financially (he was). She is taking advantage of the fact that you still care for her and she knows you care for the children.

You need to deliver the children to her, when you go to work. If that means taking them there the night before as you start early then so be it. By finding somewhere to live that is not large enough for someone with children she is walking away from her responsibilities - don't let her. She is relying on you to take over. She will continue to put pressure on you until you stand up to her; do it now rather than finding yourself in the situation where you are pleading with her for her to take some of the responsibilites. She will manipulate the situation so that you feel you will be letting the children down if you don't do what she wants eg. "the kids are so used to being at home with you, if you force me to look after them their routine will be upset."

Its very easy to walk away if you know someone will pick up the pieces. If she thinks that your not prepared to take full and sole responsibility she will have to think of someone apart from herself.

black-saturn

My boyfriend is a single dad to 1 daughter. When he split with his ex she left the child in the custody of him and then decided to try and get her back after a few weeks. He took it to court and he won due to the fact that she abandoned her in the first place. But I know it doesn't always work like that. It was a long court battle though and he gave up work to bring his daughter up.

Your children only grow up once but work can be done any time.

comping_cat

Do what is best for your children, and then you. If she is the one leaving then she obviously is only thinking of herself. I would see a solicitor as to what your, and her rights are, by knowing what position you are in will help you help your children. You dont say how old they are, or what she has said to them but they have to be put first. Good luck, i hope things will work out for you.

Fran

I would advise you to go to your Citizens Advice Bureau because they can look at your overall situation.

Practical things:

1) Put in a claim for Child Benefit, it wouldn't kick in straight away but it is important if you are unemployed at any stage cos you can't claim Child Tax Credits without it.

2) Inform HMRC of your drop in income (presumably) as she has moved out for Working Tax Credit purposes.

3) Can you still afford mortgage/rent? Ask CAB, they have a lot of information on this. If renting and claiming Housing Benefit/Council Tax Benefit, inform them.

4) Freeze any joint bank accounts. Make sure your wages are paid into an account in your name only.

5) Ask CAB about help with childcare.


The shifts are obviously a problem unless the children are old enough to get themselves off to school. How many days does this involve? Have you got a relative/friend who could help out with this at least temporarily if you can't change shifts?

Letting her have contact for the kids' sake is fine, but make it on your terms, and I wouldn't let her stay in your house to do it.

You might find some useful info on the Gingerbread website.