Desperate

unhappydebts

I dont know where to start. Today i worked out my credit card debt totalled £13,000. I am shocked, mortified and desperatley worried.

My husband knows that we have credit card debt but not how much.

I am so ashamed. We got married three years ago, bought a new home two years ago and i gave birth to our first baby a year ago. It just seemed like there was always something "big" and expensive happening...

I had a difficult birth and had (have) pretty bad post natal depression that meant I could not return to work as soon as we had hoped and went a few months with no pay. I only retruned to work part time as well I also suffered from extreme guilt at having PND and tried to compensate it by getting my wee one the best of everything and (wrongly) thought having nice things woiuld make me feel better and I guess that is how the debt has run up...I dont know what to do. I can afford to pay £250 a month on the cards and have cut them up and applied for two new 0% balance transfer cards that I will cut up as soon as I transfer the debt. I do have bout £8000 in the bank but as my husband and I both wrk in Public Sector I am terrified we will lose our jobs and need that money to pay our mortgage for a few months.

I know the PND is no excuse, none whatsoever and I am now so ashamed and feel like I have let my husband and son down. Sometimes I am so overhwhelmed with guilt and worry about it I dont want to wake up...

ANY ANY advice? Please?

RAS

Hi love

You have not let your husband and son down and if you think that you have, you need more help.

You need to start by going back to the doctors as it sounds like you are still struggling with mild PND.

Hopefully you will get the new cards and that will give you time to start sortign things out.

On a more practical note, your son must be growing up fast, so a lot of the stuff is too small now. Can you get things together and sell individual itemns on e-bay? Then put the money towards the credit card debt.

You do need to tell your OH as soon as you feel able.

But in the short-term, please do a statement of affairs http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html and we may be able to help you. It is easier to tell your OH when you have a plan of how to sort it out.

elantan

first of all dont panic ... you have done the right thing by coming on here ... am busy just now but will be back on as soon as i can

hypno06

Hi there, and welcome to the boards.

Firstly, you must stop this business about being ashamed, embarrassed, and don't think for a moment that you have done anything "wrong".

Yes, it is uncomfortable, yes it can be scary, yes it can be difficult, but most importantly, it can be solved, and you can take control right now and make a really good difference.

I would suggest grabbing a pad of paper and a pen, and write down everything that you can think of that you spend money on. even the little "silly" things, like the packet of crisps you always find yourself buying when getting petrol, or the magazine that always seems to find itself in your shopping trolley. be as honest as you can be because the more you write down, the more you can accurately see where you can cut back, and make changes.

Then take that information and put it in the statement of affairs that RAS has put the link to and then post it back on here for people to comment on and give ideas of where changes can be made.

When you have got some ideas coming through, you can then work out your plan of attack, and can sit down with your husband and talk him through it - but by that time you won't be talking through just a problem, but a problem for which you now have a solution, which is always easier!

Like I say above, it isn't always easy, but taking control of it is a very empowering thing for you, and the relief will be amazing as it all starts to come together.

Good luck x

piccalilli_2

Hi,

Big hugs first of all....

I've been on the receiving end of a shock debt (my OH kept it quiet), but as the other party I was relieved that he told me, so my advice would be to let him know asap. Being truthful about it will lift a big burden off you, and you might be pleasantly surprised by his reaction!

As for the PND, it can make you do all sorts of weird stuff (been there!) so don't feel bad.

On a more practical note, your son must be growing up fast, so a lot of the stuff is too small now. Can you get things together and sell individual itemns on e-bay? Then put the money towards the credit card debt.

from RAS
Have you got an NCT group near you? They often do "Nearly New" sales where you can sell your baby things for great prices (they take a small cut but you get better money than at car boot - the other option) - the NCT sales near me are always packed and people literally fight over things to buy!

The £8K savings - are they in the highest interest account you can find? It needs to be working for you while its sitting there.

The SOA is a really good starting point - lots of helpful tips will come from it, and they really can make a difference.

Big hugs x

elantan

hi am back now had brother on the phone and we dont speak very often so had to take the call ...

as hypno and ras have said stop with the shame etc ... no one of us are perfect .. we all make mistakes its what we do about them that determines who we are ...

you now have knowledge on your side ... you know what you owe this gives you something to work with ..please do the statement of affairs ras has sent the link to and also do start noting what you spend money on ... that one might surprise you ... i spent a few quid (which i didnt have by the way) every week on chewing gum at 49p a packet it is easy to do ...

start having a look around at things you no longer need/want ... perfect time for ebay its a free listing weekend...

check you are on the right gas and electricity packages ... can you cut down on un needed car trips every fiver saved on petrol/diesel etc is money to pay off your creditors ...

have a look at who you owe the highest interest too work towards paying them off first ...

there is so much more you can do and i am sure the lovely people here will help in any way they can ... i dont want to overload you just now though ... just stick with it and you will get there

savingholmes

unhappydebts wrote: »

I dont know where to start. Today i worked out my credit card debt totalled £13,000. I am shocked, mortified and desperatley worried.

My husband knows that we have credit card debt but not how much.

I am so ashamed. We got married three years ago, bought a new home two years ago and i gave birth to our first baby a year ago. It just seemed like there was always something "big" and expensive happening...

......
I know the PND is no excuse, none whatsoever and I am now so ashamed and feel like I have let my husband and son down. Sometimes I am so overhwhelmed with guilt and worry about it I dont want to wake up...

ANY ANY advice? Please?

Hi you are not alone. I suffered with PND and like you spent too much - in my view partly as a result. It took all my efforts to just keep "coping" that money seemed very unimportant. When I woke up to what we were doing we were £33K in debt. We cleared that only to restart the debt process when I had child number 2.

Even now my debt fluctuates when I feel depressed but now I notice quicker and it doesn't get as bad.

We are now far more in control and are now down to around your level of debt which to me is a big relief compared to where we've been. So please stop beating yourself up.

Celebrate what you have a loving partner and child and relative good health. PND is horrible and can feel like a deep black tunnel but it doesn't generally last forever and you should with help from your doctor improve over time.

I think if I had had the support from this site when I had my kids that things wouldn't have got so bad financially. If you post regularly there is a lot of support available to you. We want you to succeed in having a happy family life and clearing your debt and are willing to support you in that.

Like you I work in the public sector - it can be a good place to be. They are usually reasonable generous on redundancy payments and try really hard at redeployment. There are loads of jobs still available within the public sector so don't believe all the media reports.

Hugs - things really can get better from here on in. Follow RAS's advice above and then you can have more tailored advice on budgeting too!:money:

beaujolais-nouveau

unhappydebts wrote: »

my credit card debt totalled £13,000. ... I do have bout £8000 in the bank but as my husband and I both wrk in Public Sector I am terrified we will lose our jobs and need that money to pay our mortgage for a few months.

It doesn't make sense to have £8,000 in savings (earning what, 1 per cent interest?) and £13,000 in debt (incurring perhaps 24 per cent interest?) You need to put most or all of your savings to paying off the credit card debt. That will make paying off the rest much easier and quicker.

Even if you and/or your husband were to lose your jobs - I hope not, but need to plan for all eventualities - you would, I assume, be entitled to some redundancy pay. Also you would probably be able to negotiate with your mortgage lender to go on interest-only payments for a while, or even a repayment holiday.

benbenandme

Another one arriving to offer some support I agree with everyone else, make a list of everything going in and out, get a plan of acrion straight in your head and then tell your husband; it will be hard to tell him but at least then you can work as a partnership with a shared goal, otherwise every time he suggests getting a takeaway / buying clothes etc you will panic over the money being spent; believe me this place gets under your skin and very quickly it becomes a challenge to NOT spend money

I understand it must feel a huge amount of money to owe right now but count your blessings; you have a husband and a new baby, a lovely home, you both have jobs, you are both young and while it seems a large amount to owe it is actually a manageable amount if you tackle it together

Have you checked you are caliming all tax credits etc that you are entitled to? Good luck with your journey and keep posting x

unhappydebts

Thank you all for your responses. It is so humbling and makes me want to cry with relief that no one has said "you stupid cow" (which is what I am telling myself every day) and to hear support from fellow PND sufferers who have been through the same makes me far less ashamed. Thank you thank you thank you. It took alot of courage to post and I will try and find courage to do some of the things you are all suggesting, firstly the statement of affairs which will be so hard, but necessary.

Thank you all so much, am crying with the first stage of relief. My husband is on the process of starting up a new business and tells me not to worry about our debts as he is making it his first priority to clear them. Just today he said something that maybe he doesn't realise that they are 5k higher than he thinks and it sent me into a tailspin (it doesn't take much). Am scared it is affecting our marriage because I am so stressed and he just puts it down to my PND.

It's all so suffocating, but speaking here really does feel cathartic. Finally some tears that aren't desperate....

unhappydebts

I also wanted to say, that reading some other threads, I do do realise that perhaps my "desperation" is self indulgent and for that I am really sorry...