Coping with Feeling of Guilt?

script

Well I’ve been here for almost a year – and I can’t thank you enough for all the help and support you’ve given me.

You’ve also helped me - help friends who needed to go B/R and they too were so relieved to get the answers they needed (despite telling them how friendly you all are they were too embarrassed to register and ask).

I’ve mentioned that I can’t go Bankrupt until I get a new job. My current job in a courier despatch office, of all places, has a B/R clause.

It’s no big deal it’s a lowly job anyway and it’ll be good to find something more worthwhile – it’s just taking quite a time with the economic downturn.

Thanks to you all I know what’s involved in Bankruptcy – all the myths and old wife’s tales have vanished.

And I know what to do – although it’s likely I’ll still have more questions and I know I’ll get the right answers.

When I can - I do try and answer other people’s questions – so I can at least give something back in lieu of all the help I’ve received.

I’ve joked that I’ve become madly OCD about the whole thing. Because I want to get everything right. I’ve read all the IS guides and I wade through the OR’s tech manual if I need any clarifications (not exactly the most fun you can have but it is very useful).

To be absolutely honest - Bankruptcy scares me to death – despite knowing the procedures and what does and doesn’t happen – I still shake like a leaf when I think about going to court and having the interview.

I know why I’m so scared – it’s the awful feeling of guilt about not being able to pay back my debts.

There are many reasons, illness, redundancy and lots of others - I won’t bore you with them all.

I only owe money to the institutions - banks, credit cards and personal loans.

And I know the banks are a shower of casino style gamblers – most would be bankrupt themselves if we hadn’t bailed them out.

And the banks may have caused the worst recession in living memory – creating terrible hardship to millions of people because the government have to make cutbacks – to reduce the deficit that the banks created.

And my creditors, who effectively are all banks, will get tax benefits on the debts cancelled in my bankruptcy.

But none of this helps with my guilt.

Over all the years, I asked and got the money I needed. Paid quite a bit back but can’t pay it all. And with the interest charges the debts are still high. It makes me feel dreadful.

In fact it would be OK with me - if the court staff, the judge, the OR, the examiners and case workers took me outside and gave me a kicking – I would feel better.

But instead they’ll be polite and fair, they wont try and make me feel bad or guilty.

And if I have done anything wrong they’ll tell me about the rules and explain about a BRU – which I’ll be happy to sign.

I know I’ll lose my house but thanks to all the advice I’ve been given here I will be able to rent a decent home for my family and me.

And the equity after all the costs are paid will only pay a small percentage of my debts

If I can I’ll be delighted to pay an IPA – they’ll never need to apply for an IPO.

I only wish I was in a position to pay a 70% IPA.

Sorry for rambling on – and thanks for reading this.

Could I ask – if anyone else is suffering with the guilt of it all.

How do you cope with it?

peppa-pig

awwww script *hugs* poor you another sleepless night for you by the looks of the time you posted.

BR is a real rollercoaster ride of emotions for most people ranging from guilt, anger, upset, embarressment, joy, relief and failure to name but a few.

we moved 6 months before we actually went BR as we were trying to get the money together etc before actually taking the plunge, i was 8 months pregnant by the time we actually got to court. i have to say the build up and waiting to go BR was far far far worse than actually going to court and being BR. Your mind plays tricks on you and blows everything up out of proportion. i think this is due to fear of the unknown as well as guilt and feelings of being a complete failure. sadly what you are going through is completely normal. its almost as if someone gave you a good b*ll*cking and told you how carp you are and useless it would make you feel better.

what you have done isn't your fault. it's life. bad things happen to good people. and you are a good person. sadly life has twists and turns and some times things don't always go to plan. you didn't pla to get yourself in this situation. you yourself said that due to illness, redundancy and lots of others this situation has arisen.

i know its easy for me to say now coz i've come out the otherside but i promise you it WILL get better. no one can be harder on you than yourself.

with regards to work, just because they have this clause about BR in the contract, will you really lose your job? can you not anonymously ask your HR? when i worked for the prison service we had to inform them if you went BR. all it was was a note put on your file and nothing else happened.it may be worth checking as that will be another stress crossed off your list.

i hope things start improving for you soon script. and remember we are all here for you.

PS - sorry for going on abit lol xx

elliesmemory1

I am feeling a bit like you too very guilty embarrased and ashamed.

I have not yet done the deed but am in the process of filling out the forms. I am dreading going to court and the interview etc.

I too feel really bad about it all this forum has helped but I still feel awful about it. In my case its all come about through schanges in circumstances.

I can only hope that I come to terms with it all after the court and inteview process.
I know how you feel its horrible.

Worcsman

You tried and failed, there is no one there to bail you out though, the banks themselves tried and failed, we bailed them out. The pinstripes in London wont let me have a bank account because I went BR, well they are hypocrites, but I'm not going to complain, life aint fair, do what you gotta do and dont lose no sleep over it, its no big deal, none what so ever.

somadjoe

I've been terrified of BR. I'm filling in the forms in preparation for doing the deed next month.

I realised last month that the process and emotional rollercoaster I've been through over the last 18 months has been very similar to the one I went through 20 years ago when my dad got sick and died.

When the bank pulled the plug and my business went bust I went into total panic and meltdown. This was followed by denial where I thought of all number of get rich quick schemes to pay off the banks. I got really angry and depressed that these weren't going to work and only recently have I accepted the inevitable that bankruptcy is my only option. Now I am trying to put everything into place so I can know as much as I can as to what to expect.

Like you, all of my creditors are financial institutions, not individuals. I didn't go into business to go bust and the money was not frittered away. The sudden change in the economic climate forced a number of people into the situation that many of us on this board find ourselves in today.
I went to CAB and to CCCS both of whom recommended BR. I visited 5 different IP's trying to find one who would give me an option or magic route that would stop me having to declare myself BR. Every one of them gave me the same advice, "Go BR"

I've accepted it and now I'm doing it. I'm not doing it to get out of my debt obligations, I genuinely cannot pay the banks back and I'm now doing what is best for my wife and young family. I spoke to people who have been through the same situation I'm currently in, some are doing well, others not so well, but all agree that it was their last and only option and that BR was the opportunity to start again.

I feel as though my family has been punished enough and its time to draw a line under the past. I don't want to be on my deathbed still thinking about debt. For me it's a new start, I'm 41 and still not even half way through my working life. I've done well previously and have no doubt that once this millstone has gone I can do well again. I tried on my own and I failed, I've learnt what I'm good at and what I'm not so good at. I've learnt that the people who want to work/socialise with me will do so whether I've been made BR or not. Those that don't wouldn't have done so anyway.

Yes ,it's tough and I wouldn't wish anyone to go through what I and every single person on this board has been or is going through, but....... the sun is shining, the kids are healthy and we'll all get back on track as a family. When I eventually go BR the sun will still shine and the kids will still be running around, life will go on and we''ll start again. I wont be getting up and reading this board at 2 and three o'clock in the morning, I'll be concentrating on providing for the family and giving them back the dad they've not had for the last two years.

Sorry for the ramble but it's my pennies worth and it felt good writing it all down.

SMJ

script

Thanks everyone for your replies –it really was kind of you to take the time to write about your experiences.

And yes, we have all been through - or are going through - the rollercoaster ride of Bankruptcy.

I’m hoping like me when you typed your thoughts it was a sort of cathartic experience.

And thanks to your views and comments I’m becoming a bit more philosophical about the whole thing.

Because like it or not, the only think I can do, to mend the problems for me, my family and the creditors is to petition.


I’m just hoping that in the fullness of time – (knowing that the banks never really lose) and that I’ll be paying whatever I can afford – that the guilt will slowly disappear.

Again I greatly appreciate your thoughts – they really have helped me.


A quick note to Peppa

As far as the job is concerned – I did check – and the B/R clause is definitely used. I’ve known this for ages and I’m looking forward to getting a new job – at the moment all I do put packets into baskets in a despatch centre.

According to the Couriers who deliver the packages I manage to get 9/10 in the right basket…

With those outstanding results I think it’s time to move on to better things (lol).

lily79_2

Hey I am going through the exact same roller coaster ride now.

I have been to the CAB on Firday and they strongly recomend I go BR I have all weekend tearing my hair out with worry and fret.

But I realise I have to do something I am sick to the stomach and can relate totally. We did not want to end up this way but I am now starting to feel that I could have a new start and so can you

I would definitely check your position with your job it may not be that bad good luck

Sunnylooloo

Hi Everyone

I think there is not one person here who does not have a huge sense of guilt in some form or other, it is natural. It is one huge rollar coster and you will have good days and bad days - we all do. but at least we are facing our problems.

I have not yet become BR, basically because I am still waiting to see how my divorce pans out but I have taken steps to reduce my repayments each month and I am getting by.

The amount of help and support I have got from here has been amazing and I don't know if I would have coped so well if it wasn't for being on here.

Good luck everyone

xx

milothewestie

i dont feel guilty at all not a chance,im glad i went bankrupt,did my creditors feel guilty ringing me at all times,at work,while i was out enjoying myself and they spoiled it,never look back just go forward,snap out of it,stop being stupid just enjoy the rest of your lifes,they chucked the money at me i never applied for most of it and they have contingency funds for losses so f..k them :beer::D:D:D

dojoman

milothewestie wrote: »

i dont feel guilty at all not a chance,im glad i went bankrupt,did my creditors feel guilty ringing me at all times,at work,while i was out enjoying myself and they spoiled it,never look back just go forward,snap out of it,stop being stupid just enjoy the rest of your lifes,they chucked the money at me i never applied for most of it and they have contingency funds for losses so f..k them :beer::D:D:D

Not a great attitude to be honest, and is ideal material for the trolls to come on here and have a go at us.

milothewestie

well that is my attitude if you dont like it tough ill have my say its an open forum im allowed that weather u like it or not