Money & Divorce

boyang

This question has been in my head for a while and the other thread about unfairness with money in divorce has raised it again.

My boyf split with his ex over 2 years ago. They have 2 girls, who he sees every other weekend (only 1 night as the ex won't agree to more unless she suddenly has plans for the second night and then that is fine!) and half the holidays (except the summer holidays where she has just booked a two week holiday right over one week he was meant to have them so he is down to 2/6 weeks). They are trying to arrange a permanent agreement about contact through mediation, but I'm not holding my breath.

Each month, he pays her about 3 times the CSA recommended amount, plus the mortgage on both their houses. She worked the whole time throughout their marriage, except for maternity leave. She has now started her own business and says she draws no income from it so the money he pays doesn't just support her children, it supports her. So right now in terms of money she gets £1000 per month tax free (this includes child benefits, etc) and her mortgage paid for without working.

She has said that from the divorce she wants to keep her pension, her shares, the house her and the girls live in, the equity from the house he lives in and half of his pension.
Obviously my boyf will not agree to that and despite them trying to come to some amicable agreement on this I foresee all of this ending up in court in a painful, long drawn out battle that will also involve the time he gets to spend with his children.

Now I understand that she is massively bitter about him splitting up with her and about his relationship with me, but I don't understand how she can possibly think that this set of circumstances is a) remotely fair and b) anything you would use as an example to your children. But obviously I am incredibly biased in this and am completely missing her POV. Given how very very blunt people can be on here, perhaps someone can shed some light?

gonzo127

well from what i can see it is her trying to get her own back,

i can understand her keeping her pension, her shares and the house she and the children live in. but going after half his pension and the equity from the other house is unreasonable in my mind,

do you have any idea what sort of split their wages where when they where together? as that might give an indication as to what she is trying to base it on (look at the horible practice in America with Alomony - really i can understand keeping your children but having to pay money to keep your ex in a set standard of living seems crazy - but this could just open up a whole can of worms)

i would personally recommend speaking to a solicitor in the mean time (most do free 30 min sessions) to try and get some idea on what sort of precedence has been set in this country and what you might expect when this does go to court which i agree with you looks very likely that it will,

i might also consider pointing out that if she carrys on being a pain he will cut down his money to her to only the normal CSA amount and only half of the mortgage on the property she is living in or none at all if he wont get any of the equity, although i would only use this as a last resort if mediation doesnt work and it looks as if she wont budge at all, as she would likely see this as blackmail and might become more of a pain

mackemdave

My advice would be for you to keep out of it and let them resolve the issues......Only he can decide what he wants to pay to have his kids looked after

boyang

gonzo127 wrote: »

i would personally recommend speaking to a solicitor in the mean time (most do free 30 min sessions) to try and get some idea on what sort of precedence has been set in this country and what you might expect when this does go to court which i agree with you looks very likely that it will,

i might also consider pointing out that if she carrys on being a pain he will cut down his money to her to only the normal CSA amount and only half of the mortgage on the property she is living in although i would only use this as a last resort if mediation doesnt and it looks as if she wont budge at all, as she would likely see this as blackmail and might become more of a pain

His solicitor seems to think that a split of 50/50 - 60/40 (in her favour) is the most likely event if/when it goes to court. I suppose for me the issue isn't the actual amounts, it's trying to get my head round what's going on. Obviously all of this wrangling affects the children and that's what I see as the most unpleasant part of it. OH will never go down to CSA amount/half mortgage because he doesn't want to see kids hurt. Plus, she is quite good at being a pain and I don't think he wants to give her more of an excuse!

Mackemdave - know what you're saying about staying out of it. I am as much as I can but when I see someone I love being hurt out of (what looks to me to be) spite, then if I can't change it, I want to understand it. Also it is not him paying to 'have his children looked after'. He would much prefer it to be looking after them himself, but this is not an option. Plus it's the money that she wants for herself that's the kicker.

gonzo127

silly question how old are the children?

boyang

11 and 7 and althought this is irrelevant to the thread they are two lovely and charming little girls, which must mean that their mother has some redeaming features!

clearingout

mackemdave wrote: »

My advice would be for you to keep out of it and let them resolve the issues......Only he can decide what he wants to pay to have his kids looked after

Very good point! Your boyfriend has children which are important to him. It is a fine balance between managing his current relationship with you and that with his ex. Don't cause problems (deliberately or otherwise) - they will backfire on you, that I can promise you.

That said, he is entitled to move on and have a new life with someone else without having to support his ex for the rest of her life. There is a fine line. It may well end up in court - but a judge will soon put her straight in terms of what she can expect. It is impossible to judge what might be reasonable by the information you have given.

If it helps, children and finances are kept entirely separate as part of the divorce. Children should not be seen on a 'pay per view' basis and the courts take a dim view of this. Your boyfriend may well do well to consider court proceedings to firm up contact arrangements prior to dealing with the divorce - this would help stop any problems as a result of her not getting the financial settlement she wants. Courts are pro both parents having good contact with their children so he doesn't need to worry about the cost of this as he can represent himself (assuming there are no violence, drug, alcohol or mental health issues). the ex won't like it of course, but it sends a message that the children are important and he won't have contact messed with.

Any

There is a massive difference between what one man has to pay by law and will not go above that for what ever reason (low wage, high debts or just being a pig) and what other man WANTS to pay - again, for what ever reason (love for kids, guilt to his ex-wife).

Being the other one is very very difficult situation and finding a balance is near to impossible. I am in that situation too - my OH only pays something like 10% (it use to be higher % but it hasn't got up over the years) and his ex-wife doesn't want any more. But he buys him (his son) all the stuff he can - football boots, shirts, Walt disney in US trip, pays phone bills, concert tickets.. Now my step son is 19 and the cost of things is getting ridiculous. Concert over the weekend - £300. Phone bills £35-70. I am not kidding.

Sometimes I am furious, but we don't have a kids and I don't want to seem money orieantated and selfish, so I keep my mouth shut (most of the time...not always though:-))

gratefulforhelp_2

boyang wrote: »

My boyf split with his ex over 2 years ago. They have 2 girls, who he sees every other weekend (only 1 night as the ex won't agree to more unless she suddenly has plans for the second night and then that is fine!) and half the holidays (except the summer holidays where she has just booked a two week holiday right over one week he was meant to have them so he is down to 2/6 weeks). They are trying to arrange a permanent agreement about contact through mediation, but I'm not holding my breath.

Each month, he pays her about 3 times the CSA recommended amount, plus the mortgage on both their houses. She worked the whole time throughout their marriage, except for maternity leave. She has now started her own business and says she draws no income from it so the money he pays doesn't just support her children, it supports her. So right now in terms of money she gets £1000 per month tax free (this includes child benefits, etc) and her mortgage paid for without working.

She has said that from the divorce she wants to keep her pension, her shares, the house her and the girls live in, the equity from the house he lives in and half of his pension.
Obviously my boyf will not agree to that and despite them trying to come to some amicable agreement on this I foresee all of this ending up in court in a painful, long drawn out battle that will also involve the time he gets to spend with his children.

Now I understand that she is massively bitter about him splitting up with her and about his relationship with me, but I don't understand how she can possibly think that this set of circumstances is a) remotely fair and b) anything you would use as an example to your children. But obviously I am incredibly biased in this and am completely missing her POV. Given how very very blunt people can be on here, perhaps someone can shed some light?

LOL at the bluntness, you are soo right on that!

Forgive me, but you sound a little bitter yourself (highlighted in blue/green) and for the sake of your future harmonious relationships, it may be an idea to take a step back from this in your thinking. Otherwise it will only cause you stress, your BF has to sort this out with his wife by himself.

Maybe he pays more than the CSA rate because he genuinely cares about the welfare of his kids, I hope so. But he may be paying more because he doesn't want them(the csa) to get involved (and who can blame him?)

The bit in pink, its believable, most businesses take a year or more to break even, I believe.

So if he's getting good advice, and they are considering mediation, I'm not sure there's much you can do.

Any

newcook wrote: »

What on earth does that have to do with anything the OP is after advice on?!?!

You don't think that if woman (or man for that matter) lured someone elses husband away from their OH it has anything to do with what is viewed (in moral terms) as fair in divorce settlement?

So two people love each other, get married and have kids. The wife/husband give up work to look after those kids and looses anything up to 10 years of her career prospect/earning potential as a sacrifice for this marriage.

Then the OH jumps the 20 yrs younger secretary, gives his/hers other half £50 a week and that is sorted?

Legally - yes. Morally - I would argue.

P.S. and for the last sentence in Fang's post - believe you me, once a cheater, always a cheater;-)

newcook

Im a firm believer in it takes 2 to tango!! People do not get ‘lured away’ they cheat because they want to cheat. If 2 people are happy and in love in a relationship they will not let their eyes or anything else stray – if they do stray then something isn’t right in the relationship.

I also wouldn’t blame the other woman – she’s not the one who is meant to love you but instead is cheating on you (however this theory goes out the window if it is a mate or family member who they are cheating with!!)