Money & Divorce

boyang

Thanks Fang for the insight and the 'attempt' to 'help', but it's interesting that you say that here and then on another thread that 'it takes two to make a marriage work, and if it doesn't work out then each party should accept some blame. And then not go after the other for every penny they can get.'

It seems contradictory to me. Could it be, just possibly, that you are trying to get some kind of offended reaction?!

mackemdave

boyang wrote: »

And as for her having to be mum AND dad - um, what?! He is still the children's father and would be much more involved in their lives if she would only let him.

Anyone sticking with this long post, thanks.

Well there must be a reason WHY she is still bitter and wanting to take your boyfriend to the cleaners...The obvious one is that she was the innocent party in the split and is finding it hard to come to terms with things hence her POV....Maybe if you were more transparent as to why they split might help posters explain why your boyfriends ex's POV...all you are doing is building your boyfriend as some super absent father and his ex as some bitter,money grabbing !!!!!...but is she??????

northwest1965

mackemdave wrote: »

Well there must be a reason WHY she is still bitter and wanting to take your boyfriend to the cleaners...The obvious one is that she was the innocent party in the split and is finding it hard to come to terms with things hence her POV....Maybe if you were more transparent as to why they split might help posters explain why your boyfriends ex's POV...all you are doing is building your boyfriend as some super absent father and his ex as some bitter,money grabbing !!!!!...but is she??????

It would help if you could give us some idea, if she has been cheated on, then that would explain her POV, doesnt necessarily make it right though. Who knows but those two what life was really like together? She may have been partly to blame.

boyang

mackemdave wrote: »

Well there must be a reason WHY she is still bitter and wanting to take your boyfriend to the cleaners...The obvious one is that she was the innocent party in the split and is finding it hard to come to terms with things hence her POV....Maybe if you were more transparent as to why they split might help posters explain why your boyfriends ex's POV...all you are doing is building your boyfriend as some super absent father and his ex as some bitter,money grabbing !!!!!...but is she??????

Yes, thanks, I think you'll find that my whole post is asking if people can give me an alternative POV of why she is acting this way or if it is because she is just bitter. If I don't want to give details about their split, then I really don't have to. It's none of of anyone else's business and if it is not enough information for you then please feel free to not respond to this thread anymore!
As for 'super absent father' - were you abandoned as a child? Do you have your own issues that you are projecting onto this thread? He is not an absent father. He is there as much as he is allowed to be. You may think this makes him 'super'. I actually think this makes him a normal father who is paying for his children because he wants what is best for them and doesn't want to pick a fight with his ex if there is a chance of getting it resolved amicably.
I am trying my hardest not to characterise her as bitter or money grabbing, never mind any expletives. That is the whole purpose of this thread.

northwest1965

boyang - I dont think as hard as you try you can 2nd guess what her POV is. She is probably hurting, she is bitter and she wants now, whats best for her and her kids. TBH if I were your OH I wouldnt be rolling over and giving her what she wants. Yes it has to be fair but also reasonable

newcook

OP - have they been split long - im not being nosy just that if the split is fairly recent then she will understandably feel bitter that he has left her and the children and she has gone from having someone to share normal everyday problems (or even someone to have a whinge to) to coming home to an empty house with no-one to off load to.
she then sees that he is happy with you. She probably wants him to feel hurt and upset and this is the only way she can go about it

newcook

Fang wrote: »

She wants to understand the wife's POV and so understanding the nature of their relationship is crucial in this.

If he did cheat with the OP then it's more understandable that the wife wants to take him to the cleaners. If he didn't, then it's less so.

Then really you should just said that instead of name calling – though I see that post has now been removed.

ninky_2

OP you seem to want it both ways. you want opinions on why she feels this way and yet don't want to give any info on why they split or if your relationship with your bf overlapped.

this information is key on how she is feeling. yes it takes two to make a relationship work. however the decent way to end a relationship that is not working and you are not happy in is to finish it. being unfaithful whilst the relationship is still officially intact is dishonest and tends to lead to heartache. as someone who has been cheated on in two longterm relationships i can hardly describe how hurtful and abusive it feels to not even be given the decency of a clean breakup.

i'd also say that if you have had children with someone and married them you have made a longterm commitment. even if you divorce your lives can never be entirely seperated as you have the joint commitment of the children. any new partner needs to respect this and realise that this continuing shared relationship has to be conducted by the parties who were once married. if you are not happy with being in a relationship with this sort of baggage then your option is to bail.

Bubby

Op - I wouldn't worry about trying to see it from her pov as this will never happen;)
Just be there for your partner emotionally and advise him to speak to a solicitor to ensure that he is not getting the raw end of the deal. As for what she is asking for I would be amazed if any judge awarded her that, even pwc's that give up their careers etc don't even get that.

Your partner and his ex don't have to agree on anything financially if they really can't agree then they will need to thrash it out in court however it is a last resort as it wastes alot of money on both sides.

I would urge your partner to get a contact order done via the court though as it would seem that he is held to ransom over contact and this is NOT in the best interests of the child in anyones eyes!

I see alot of posts on here where people seem to take the view that when you are married even if you fall out of love (yes, shock horror it happens;)) you should never be able to move on (not cheating but AFTER that marriage has ended) and that the next partner/wife/husband etc is somehow less important than the first?? I have been married before and I left my husband because I fell in love with someone else. I did not have an affair I left and then remained single for many months before pursuing a relationship with the man I am married to now. I certainly don't believe anyone should stay in a loveless marriage and my husband now is certainly not second best he is the love of my life and I can honestly look back and see that what I thought was love before was just plodding along in the comfort of a long term relationship that led to marriage. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes and my previous marriage was one of them, I certainly don't give my ex a minutes thought:)

The op's partner and his ex don't have some sort of magical bond which means they have to have any sort of on going relationship but they do have a child and as long as they both act in the best interests of the child then that is the right thing to do!

mackemdave

boyang wrote: »

Yes, thanks, I think you'll find that my whole post is asking if people can give me an alternative POV of why she is acting this way or if it is because she is just bitter. If I don't want to give details about their split, then I really don't have to. It's none of of anyone else's business and if it is not enough information for you then please feel free to not respond to this thread anymore!
As for 'super absent father' - were you abandoned as a child? Do you have your own issues that you are projecting onto this thread? He is not an absent father. He is there as much as he is allowed to be. You may think this makes him 'super'. I actually think this makes him a normal father who is paying for his children because he wants what is best for them and doesn't want to pick a fight with his ex if there is a chance of getting it resolved amicably.
I am trying my hardest not to characterise her as bitter or money grabbing, never mind any expletives. That is the whole purpose of this thread.

Well how can people give their opinion of why she is like this if they dont know the reason for the split....Also IF HE WANTED to see the kids more than she allows why isnt he doing something about it....Think you said that she allows himto see them 1 day a week....Why doesnt he get his backside in gear and start legal proceedings to get better access to them...Lots of stuff dont make sense in this thread!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....Hes coming across as a bit of a whimp allowing his ex to dictate things...money access and he just allowing it...Guilty conscience by any chance???????