I'm starting to really dislike my 4 year old

gien

This could have been me about ten years ago - I seemed to always have a nervous refuser clinging round me at any new or different social situation or meeting. And it was very wearing. Even now mybig 14 year ols son is not a big joiner in, doesn't really like organised 'kids clubs' type things although he adores scouting and actively participates.

What has changed though is my attitude. I realised that my son was notthe typeof child I had 'wanted' (out going, easy, care free) but nevertheless he was who he was and I needed to accept his dislikes snd choices. This doesn't mean I don't encourage him, Ido, but he is introverted, although not with us ( quite the opposite sometimes).

One thing about dreading the BBQ. Are you all thereas afamily and you are worried that he'll hang round you instead of going of with the other kids? If so I'd recommend just letting him stay with you with no furthrr comment. The more you try to push him away to the other kids the harder he'll try to staywith you. If he senses that you don't mind one way or the other and are not agitated then he'll join in so much more readily. This is said with the heavy heart of years of experience - it used to drive me crackers!
good luck.

bromleymum

I spent years with my eldest son encouraging him to join in 'and have fun' when he clearly just wanted to watch.

I thought that his standing on the sidelines and not wanting to join in was a 'problem' and had visions of him never having friends and being lonely and being bullied and the list went on and on. If only he would join in, be good at football, love parties then all would be well.

Then the first few years at primary school were hell (for me not him) because he hadn't made a special friend, or didn't get an invite to the latest party.....

Then I realised that my husband & I are pretty much the same. I hate being asked 'to join in' and 'have fun' when I'm at certain situations. And the only person making my son uncomfortable was me with my constant 'go on, it'll be fun'....

Now my son is older (nearly 11), he's still a watcher rather than a joiner in but he's happy and content and I've learned to stop wishing for Mr Popular as a son. I've got a Mr Quiet but Confident and there you go.

My daughter on the other hand is life and soul and everyone's friend and all I do now is moan about how much money I spend on presents for the endless parties she gets invited to!!!!!

The youngest son, well I could start another thread, makes me wish for the so called behaviour problems of the first.

What I'm trying to say is you are probably getting so upset in these situations and it may be rubbing off on your son. He's only 4 and he is what he is. Usually if you pretend that standing near a pool with a dry child is no big deal (believe me I've been there!!!!) it really does eventually stop being a big deal.

Does that make sense?

hatewashingmachines

Fang wrote: »

It sounds like he has separation issues which frankly only you and his father can have caused. It's no good comparing him to other children, that will just end in pain for you both. I think you need to stop expecting a four year old to act like you think he should act and instead allow him to do things at his own pace.

Allowing him to cry and get worked up for 20 minutes is not acceptable though. Nor is taking a painfully shy child to a swimming lesson last. If anything you should have taken him early and allowed him to be first so it doesn't seem so daunting. Try that next time.

I completely agree with taking your child first. I used to do this with my son when he was younger and realised that he was not comfortable with walking into a room where there was lots of people. He was OK though if he was in there and more people came in..... he didnt notice it and was getting on with playing/etc by the time others got there. He is now nearly 7 and this doesn't seem to bother him as much now.
Take him early, get him in the water before any of the others are there. Talk to him beforehand and offer him a reward.... not for good behavour but for being brave and trying his swimming lesson......... for doing something he hasn't done before. I don't think this is about behavour its about him feeling totally uncomfortable in that situation and putting pressure on him is making it worse!!!!

Walk_Me_Home_Cheddar

I would be tempted to explore what nursery mean by 'fine' when he's there. Fine could mean that they don't have to spend all day stopping him hitting other children or crying for you but doesn't tell you if he's interacting with the other children and actually enjoying himself when he's there. You mentioned that he whispers 'bye' - do you know if he speaks out loud in nursery when you're not there? Does he speak to other children or just the staff or not at all? At home, does he interact with children? You need to know for definite in order for you to have a better idea about why he's such a different child when he's out.
It may be simple shyness, separation anxiety or that he's just happier in adult company or it could be something more, and I think you need to explore the things I've mentioned above first as punishing him for his behaviour or even trying to use rewards when you're out may be counter-productive for you both.

Good luck!

the_cat

Totally_Fed_Up wrote: »

The swimming today was not the main issue. I just used it as an example. This behaviour is in pretty much every situation he is in outside the home. It could be something simple like walking to the post box, or doing the shopping.

I think that maybe you have two seperate issues to deal with here.

1. understandable anxiety in new situations, which because you are 'wound up' and expecting trouble before you get there are probably exaserbated by tensions he is picking up from you/your OH. This is not naughty behaviour! It may not be what you desire, but it is a genuine reflection of his feelings and fears, not deliberate naughtiness

2. For the bit I highlighted, it sounds much more like attention seeking! Fair enough, this bit is naughty!

Perhaps it would be best to sort out problem number 2 first. Punishing bad behaviour/stickers/star charts etc. Whatever works.
If I'm right, he is reverting to this tantrum behaviour because it works! Take the pressure off for now with the new/challenging situations whilst you sort out the more general stuff

Then gently resume the other stuff, but in the context that you are going along and if he wants to, it is ok to just sit and watch, so long as it is quietly and without tantrums. Frustrating as it may be to pay and have him not join in, allowing him to get bored by the side of the pool/party/whatever and decide to tentatively join in for himself is the best way to help him for the future