I'm starting to really dislike my 4 year old

Totally_Fed_Up_2

I need help

I don't even know where to start.

At home DS who's 4 is a fairly well behaved (for that age anyway!) child. But in social situations he turns into the biggest brat I have ever seen.
Today was the last straw.

He loves going swimming with me and his dad so I thought he could start swimmmng lessons at the local leisure centre. Nothing one-to-one just a group of 3-5 year olds. Anyway I told DS about this and he was very excited. Got to the pool and the tantrums and attitude started. All the other little kids were in the pool playing with the instructors, mums and dads watching from the side. One of the instructors came over and asked DS of he would like to get in the water. DS screamed NO and started crying. Not an upset cry, just a pure tantrum cry.
I went and told him all the other little boys and girls wanted him to play but that didn't work.
A little boy throw a ball for DS to catch. He just walked to side of the pool, picked up the ball and brought it to me saying he wants me to play.
I said i can't play, he's supposed to be playing with the other children but that just started the crying even louders.
After about 20 minutes I'd had enough so I took him home.

I don't understand why he's like this?!
Every time we take him out where other people are he act like a different child.
At the park another child will say hello and DS will just stand there puling a weird face then run back to me or his dad.


I just want him to join in with things like other children do! He's never going to cope when he starts primary school
When he first started nursery he was painfuly shy, but they've said he's fine now.
Well he certainly doesn't act it when I pick him up. I'm waving bye to everyone and all the kids are saying bye to him. He just looks at me, whispers bye so that no-one can hear then runs out.

I really have had enough of his behaviour.

Why can't he just be normal around other people

whitewing

I wonder if you are both beginning to expect him to misbehave in these situations.

Stick with the swimming, will give him confidence. And keep exposing him to social situations - not loads of them but just regularly so it doesn't become a big trial. He'll get there in the end but may not be quite as social as you'd love him to be.

Totally_Fed_Up_2

Oh yes I think we have definitely come to 'expect' this behaviour when out and about. But that's more to brace ourselves for the endless tears.
With the swimming I honest to god was not worried. I thought he'd love it!
I was so wrong.

It's the same with everything now. The park, kids birthday parties, days out, football club. We can't take him anywhere

An example we took him to his cousins party a few weeks ago. He wouldn't join in with anything. He literally sat at the side of the room the whole time.
It broke my heart seeing him like that.

whitewing

Some tips here from supernanny:

http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Family-Matters/-/Relationships/Eleven-ways-to-encourage-confidence-in-your-child.aspx

McKneff

Never force him to do anything, let him do things at his own pace. Its part of his nature.
Encourage, praise but dont make a big thing of it.

Felicity

.... and breathe!

I really feel for you because I have been through similar stages with my little boy (2 and a half) but things change. They are just growing up and being difficult.

I have been that Mother trying to cope with my boy having a tantrum in the supermarket, swimming pool etc. I used to worry about people staring at me, now I just worry about us and not others.

Tiredness is our worst enemy.

It is difficult but you just need to try different strategies to manage him (I am probably teaching you to suck eggs here).

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one, so thank you for your post!

Make-it-3

Sounds like shyness to me and his escape mechanism is to cause a tantrum so he can get out of it.

I can see how a whole bunch of kids he doesn't know already playing in the water seems a bit daunting.

He may still be struggling a little at nursery, but at least they are familar faces to him now. Sure you need to carry on, maybe mixing in smaller groups is easier. Or making sure that whoever is supervising knows he is shy and makes a bit of an effort to introduce him to the group - or picks out one other child to buddy him while he gets used to others.

Totally_Fed_Up_2

McKneff wrote: »

Never force him to do anything, let him do things at his own pace. Its part of his nature.
Encourage, praise but dont make a big thing of it.

It's hard not to force him because when the trantums start I feel like if I leave I'm just rewarding his bad behaviour.
I can't win!

Felicity wrote: »

.... and breathe!

I really feel for you because I have been through similar stages with my little boy (2 and a half) but things change. They are just growing up and being difficult.

I have been that Mother trying to cope with my boy having a tantrum in the supermarket, swimming pool etc. I used to worry about people staring at me, now I just worry about us and not others.

Tiredness is our worst enemy.

It is difficult but you just need to try different strategies to manage him (I am probably teaching you to suck eggs here).

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one, so thank you for your post!

So I'm not the only one
I do still worry people are staring at us. I don't know why I just do.
Today at the pool i was definitely getting 'the eyes' from the other parents. It was awful

Make-it-3 wrote: »

Sounds like shyness to me and his escape mechanism is to cause a tantrum so he can get out of it.

I can see how a whole bunch of kids he doesn't know already playing in the water seems a bit daunting.

He may still be struggling a little at nursery, but at least they are familar faces to him now. Sure you need to carry on, maybe mixing in smaller groups is easier. Or making sure that whoever is supervising knows he is shy and makes a bit of an effort to introduce him to the group - or picks out one other child to buddy him while he gets used to others.

According to the staff he hasn't got any problems in nursery.
It must be me! He's been going there since he was 8 months old.

Surely by now he should know how to interact with people, and act in a social situation?

I wish it was just shyness. I don't know, maybe i'm just going mad but I think its something more.

I just can't cope with him anymore

Sublime_2

It sounds like perfectly normal behaviour to me. I, however have the opposite trouble. My DD (aged 6) is a perfect little angel with everyone, but when I take her anywhere, or at home I can get tantrums. She has started to grow out of it now though luckily.

Just be firm. I know its hard, especially when all attention is focused on you (believe me I have been there! ), but you will survive.

What has worked for me, is withdrawing treats. I would tell your son that he will not go swimming again, until he learns to behave himself, and for any time he is naughty, just withdraw the next lesson. Its tough, but it works. my heart goes out to you, as I know what its like.

jinky67

Listen, my DD is 9 and she still doesnt like meeting new people, she wont talk to them, in fact she acts as if they are not there at all

I know though when we are not there she is ok

He is still young, maybe you could take him places and stay so he knows they are safe IYSWIM?

Build up his confidence that way

mikey72

Does he usually go out with both of you, or just one parent, or either?