I'm starting to really dislike my 4 year old

kjmtidea

whitewing wrote: »

Always a bad idea to discipline in anger. (I did clear my son's room out once but he was about double the age). How are you going to handle it now? You can't be seen to give in.

My DS, still shy, was better if you ran thro what was going to happen:

On Sat you're going for your lesson, good boy (a few times in the week)

Right, it's your swimming today, we'll have breakfast then go in the car, mummy will come into the changing room and then I'll take you to the instructor. And after swimming it's back home to see daddy!

Then I'd say to the instructor, Look, DS is being such a good boy today, I am nervous but he isn't, I'll leave him with you and he'll get in the water. Then when the lesson is finished I'll see him in the changiong room.

Then go, even if he screams. (All other parents are thinking is thank god it someone else for a change!)

Then however it goes, praise him, esp in front of other people. Well, daddy, he was a good boy in the car and really quick to get changed, didn't quite make it into the water but we stayed and watched the lesson from the balcony. I can't wait until he feels brave enough to get into the water without fussing.

Then later when he's in bed you can tell daddy how you really feel!

That is so true, I love it when other children kick off - it distracts attention away from my tantruming 2 year old :rotfl:

jinky67

sulkisu wrote: »

i don't mean to sound harsh but it sounds like you're overreacting. He is four - so no, he probably won't know how to act in every social situation. You took him to a class; he apparently didn't want to jump in to the pool with all of the other children and instead of just putting it into the category of 'something that he is not quite ready for yet', and either just leaving (or letting him sit and watch), you stayed for 20 minutes while he got more and more upset. By which time his tantrum was full blown and of course people were staring.

He didn't want to join in with a particular activity, that is not the same as being badly behaved. I vividly remember (aged 6) not wanting to play outside in the snow with the other kids (i never could stand the stuff). It turned into a big deal which ended with my being smacked and sent to bed. I was content to watch the others freeze from the window, but the adults had other ideas. I was badgered (a combination of co-ercion, threats, interrogation) until i burst into tears and was then punished for misbehaving.
Maybe you just need to lighten up a little.

I remember being the same as well, in fact I am still wary of meeting new people, but I get myself out there and do it anyway

I mean I am a grown adult:rotfl:

mikey72

Totally_Fed_Up wrote: »

I know I can't give in at this stage. Which is awful because if it turns out he's been a good boy whilst out with his dad I dont know what I'll do!
I've already told him he's not having anything back till next week so I don't want to be going back on what I've told him.

We're going to a BBQ tomorrow (with people he again barely knows!) so I'll try the running through everything with him and see how he handles it.

Course you can.
If he's been good it's a perfect reward.
You could always have one parent go to the BBQ, then the other "drop in" with him for 10mins/half an hour, then leave, so he knows it's only a short time, and if he does has a tantrum, you were leaving anyway, so you can ride it out.
If he like it, you can stay longer.
And then give more toys back.

whitewing

If he has been a good boy with daddy, then say, Oh what a good boy. Now how can we treat you for being a good boy. How about a sticker? (Kids love stickers)

Then you can say, was daddy a good boy? If he was then he gets a sticker too.

50 stickers through the week gets his toys back (or 5 stickers for some toys).

Generally though the stickers are the reward, not accumulating for financial treats as otherwise they'll bankrupt you.

Plus seeing the joy on his face from a sticker (or a certificate) will make you happy to persevere.

whitewing

mikey72 wrote: »

Course you can.
If he's been good it's a perfect reward.
You could always have one parent go to the BBQ, then the other "drop in" with him for 10mins/half an hour, then leave, so he knows it's only a short time, and if he does has a tantrum, you were leaving anyway, so you can ride it out.
If he like it, you can stay longer.
And then give more toys back.

Good point, he's more likely to stay and be happy if he doesn't have to.

poppyolivia

haven't read all the comments but he sounds like a normal 4 year old...I've been taking my kids swimming lessons for about 5 years now and at the start of the terms there is ALWAYS one child (different child every term)....not wanting to get in the water and their parents basically begging them!......2-3 wks later they are usually in the water jumping about! x

pollypenny

I would say that he is shy in that situation. It can be very daunting joining a group where everyone else knows each other.

Encourage him to play with one or two children. The noise in a swimming pool can be off-putting, too.

Zazen999

The reason he is doing it is because it gets your attention.

If you were not there, he would possibly have a small tantrum and then get over it. Nobody watching you see.

seven-day-weekend

I haven't read all the thread, but here's my twopennorth.

Some people are introverts, reserved, and really don't like joining in with things if there are loads of people there and it is noisy. It's the way they are made.

I as a child would have hated the sort of social situation you describe. I used to beg my dad to not make me go to his works' childrens' Christmas party (he didn't make me go). Even as a teenager I hated parties. I still do unless they are with a lot of people I know. However I am NOT shy. I am just reserved in a certain type od social situation.

My own son,once he was old enough to express a preference, didn't want a party for his birthday, he just wanted to go with one or two friends and have a fancy ice cream.

Why does your little boy have to go to things where there are loads of people and it is noisy? Couldn't he go to activities where there are smaller, less noisy groups? I used to go horse riding with a couple of friends and my son used to go to cubs. He is grown up now and has a small circle of friends and a long-term girlfriend and is happy with that. I am at 60 a member of a lively church and have one or two other friends. I will NEVER be a noisy party type, my brain isn't wired that way.

Sometimes my husband and I go to our friends' house to play on their Wii. I usually do not join in with the games - but I do enjoy watching the others play them. Just because someone isn't an all-singing , all-dancing whoopeedoo type of person doesn't mean they can't have fun. It's just quieter fun.

I would not make him go swimming in a large group if it is making him unhappy, find activities he DOES want to go to.

Hope this helps.

carefullycautious

sorry if this sounds harsh but you really need to chill out. Hes 4 years old, the world can seem a big scary place where he is expected to know how to negotiate like an adult.

Think about it.

So what if he has a tantrum cries etc. You are embarrassed by what you perceive people are thinking about your mothering skills and using your anger against your child.

I would at least go for many weeks before I made a decision about whether he likes/dislikes something.

You need to stay calm as the adult parent and encourage small steps. When he sees that you are not reacting he will also calm down.