To parents -Would you want to know?

NellieNewbie

This is my first post after being a long standing lurker.

OP I support the decision you have made - it's not 'chickening out' imho.

The first time we had serious financial problems, we didn't tell our families because we were ashamed that even when my husband and I had a good income, we were unable to properly manage our finances. It took over two years to get sorted out and the strain was terrible. We did have to tell some white lies, but we don't live near each other and that made it easier.

Fifteen years later we again have serious financial problems, but with 'better reasons' this time. We still didn't tell my Mum about things until we had no choice and if I could have kept it from her, I would have. All I have done is give her a very good reason to worry about us - plus we can't have a telephone conversation without her bringing up the subject in some shape or form, which is not great when you are living and breathing debt stuff day in day out. She has no idea of our incomes and outgoings and I have no intention of divulging that information, so all she can do is worry and say encouraging things. She has given us some money at various times which we have been extremely grateful for indeed, but we feel awful taking her money.

I doubt if any parent would say they don't want to know, whether or not they will/can help financially. But I would advise anyone to think twice about telling parents about your financial problems before you are sorted out, unless you are secretly hoping they will bail you out. There are ways of way of telling parents things without painting the whole gloomy picture.

lilykim

My son hid some debt from me. It was only when court baliffs came round, that I realised something was going on. I may not have been able to help him financially but would have been able to direct him to some form of debt counselling. This had a knock on effect as he wasnt paying his way in the household and then I got into some debt. To this day I dont know the extent of this debt. So I would say yes, tell the parents at the very least you would then have some morale support.

ema_o

I know you have already dismissed the idea of flat sharing, but I have to recommend it again for 2 reasons - mainly it will save you a huge chunk of money every month, and also it will be some company.
I flat shared in London a couple of years ago, I was a bit worried firstly about moving in with complete strangers, then about the idea that it would get annoying having people around the whole time. It actually worked out really well, everyone I've shared with has had their own life, we'd see each other at meal times and sometimes hang out watching TV or go out together, but often enough I'd have the place to myself if they were out partying. If people were in and I didn't feel like socialising it was very easy to say a quick hello then head up to my room.
We had people move in and out a few times, and when we were looking for someone new we choose whoever seemed quite relaxed and not bothered about getting a social life out of moving in. You can tell fairly quickly whether you will be able to live with people or if they'll be annoying.
I was living in a 4 bed flat in Balham, and it cost £80 per week, plus a share of bills. It would give you so much extra money to throw at your debts plus you could give yourself more to have a life with. Take a look on GumTree, there are always heaps of adverts.

debtdesperado

Well done on what you've paid off.... it sounds as if you have hit the mid-way slump. It happens to everyone, including me - I'm in it at the moment!

You do everything you can and do really well, and STILL there is loads more debt to be paid off... and no other cutbacks to be made. And your debt-free date is still months (years!) away, you haven't gone out for ages, you're fed up of eating value food and home-cooked meals and packed lunches (sometimes, a portion of grease and MSG in plastic tubs that costs the same as your weekly food shop can seem like the most desirable thing in the world), you haven't had a holiday for years (in fact, you note bitterly, that you're still paying for the last one you had which went on the credit card), you can't remember the last time you bought something frivolous, and you've long since used up all your 'stores' of toiletries and clothes, and actually come to think of it, you couldn't really go out even if you had the money, because your clothes are really a bit tatty. Your friends have long since stopped asking you to join in with anything that costs more than £5, which makes you feel worse as you check facebook and see pics of the brilliant holiday/lovely car/expensive birthday dinner/night out they had, but which they didn't invite you to. Because you don't go out and do anything really, you don't feel as if you have much to say to anyone, so you go home and eat your lentil bake in front of the telly, study your spreadsheet and sigh. X years until your DFD... X years more of this??? Is that what life has come to?!

If this sounds familiar, this is exactly how I feel at the moment, .

Solutions?
1. Stop thinking about your DFD. In fact, push it back a bit. Anyone can do feast or famine, but sometimes the thing to learn is a bit of balance. It doesn't matter if it takes you an extra 12 months to get debt-free, when you balance that with being a bit more happy in the meantime? I know people on here sometimes do 'race' to pay off their debt, but generally they have a 'small' debt and therefore can focus for a year or so. Slow and steady wins the race!
2. Log on to MSE and check out the longer term diaries such as hypno's to see how everyone goes through this sort of slump - you aren't alone!
3. Don't forget to pat yourself on the back for doing well, and for continuing to do well. As long as your debt is getting smaller, you are going in the right direction - forget about how much it is going down, just look at the general down direction.

My situation is £42k starting debt in Nov 08, currently at £16k. Am aiming to get it under £10k at the end of the year, which will leave me with just one loan with very small payments and 7 years left to go, but am going to relax next year and build up some savings and take a holiday etc and then will crack on with paying it down, hoping to be debt free in 2012. If I went crackers on it, I could be debt free by mid 2011, but nowadays I don't worry about the debt anymore, I just worry about having no savings, so I think the right thing for me is to sort savings out before returning to my debt free journey.

Hope this is useful! Best of luck!:T

Lirin

Good luck. You will be free of the debt someday, and there's always a time when you want to throw the towel in on the whole situation, but can't.
My parents and my partners parents are unaware of what he owes. Ours is just over double yours, and it is annoying- there's so much more I want to do every month, but instead, I have to take overtime as much as possible, I can't rent that DVD, I have to eat reduced food.
I used to live in London, with an ex-partner, who was not working and we weren't getting along. He contributed nothing in, but was very happy to expect I'd pay for him. London has a lot of free activities- I used to haunt some of the art galleries (and when they have special events, they pay for extra hands). The Vidal Sassoon training hair college near Tottenham Court Road always advertise in the freebie papers in the tube for willing guinea pigs. I only ever had one haircut I was unhappy with there.
Plus, on the tube in the mornings, we used to make it a game in work to see how much free stuff we could gather- I was always walking around with a free burger or sandwich voucher from somewhere!
I also knew next to nobody over there, and felt isolated a lot. That was hard to deal with- especially as I had no tv or radio- I had a portable dvd player and 15dvd's for 2 years! I know I would have never told my parents then- I was too proud. Maybe if I had, they could have helped.
You're near the end, there isn't long to go and then you'll be free of it. In the meantime, if you ever need a friendly chat or someone to talk to, PM me.

-SDW-

hi there...have you considered claiming back PPI on your credit cards if any?...EGG and A&L have both been fined for mis-selling ppi..i was successful with both companies and it only took one letter and they refunded plus interest...pm me if you want more info ..cheers :beer:

Mary_Hartnell

If I was your mum. I would offer you a loan to get rid of the stupid A&L cc loan (is it really A&L or have they sold you to someone else now they are Santander?).
You could write me a set of post dated cheques for the day after you get paid each month.
I would not be doing you a favour it would be a simple commercial transaction - be warned I know where you live.:D

Actually thinking about it, would it be you who gets to choose my care home:eek:

maiasopohie

My parent are retired but when they found out I couldn't even buy heating oil for their grandchildren. sent a cheque ia few days later. They always want to know if you can't manage, even if it degrades you completely. And they will always try to help - even if it means selling the family silver, as my parents did. Don't let your pride get in the way.

admingirl

Lots of good advise there. As a daughter of old fashioned parents, a mum myself and in huge debt I see both sides. If you feel your mum is worried, then please tell them - at least to stop them thinking the wrong things. You could always say that you are trying to sort it out yourself but would like them to know why you are low. They may offer to help in different ways if not financially. If they do, then show them that you mean to turn things around and if they do offer finance then draw up a proper payment plan - and then your sister won't feel you are using them. Be honest with yourself though and don't beat yourself up too much. The help on these sites is incredible and in 2 days has helped me feel better about my situation. Is it something to do with telling people you don't see?

kaz0705

Hi,

I've just returned back to the boards as I've let myself slip quite a bit recently and clearly need the help and focus on here!

I'm 28 with about 11.5k debt and earn less a month than you. I skipped through the last few posts in my eagerness to reply so apologises if this is just repeating previous advice!

First off, are you paying the minimums off or are you paying extra off? Obviously we all know you *have* to pay more than the minimum but have you played around with snowball calculator? I hoped to pay an extra £80 or so off on top of all my minimum payments but have realised that, whilst trying to maintain a social life, this is unrealistic. Tonight I've reworked out my snowball and, having gone off the rails a bit the past couple of months and cutting back the overpayments by £25, I've still only added an extra 2 months to my debt free date.

What I'm getting at is that is it worth giving yourself a bit of leeway on when you pay it off so that you reduce the pressure on yourself?

Secondly, I'd echo those who have suggested you reassess living with someone. Living alone in London is isolating, depressing and crippling. By the sounds of it, you tick all these boxes! Now you're older, I think you'll find lots of people you're own age who are sharing because they want some extra money but can respect each other's privacy and understand the need for space. You might even find that by sharing you can afford somewhere in a good 'buzzing' area where you can get out and about and enjoy a bit of money you're saving on rent. That's an extra £300 easily saved on rent (and potentially the deposit might be less so you can put some of your current flat's deposit off A&L immediately). With that £300 or so extra a month you could add £150 to paying off debt and have £150 for having a life again. That's LOADS a month!

Finally, £150 for one person a month for food seems so high!! My boyfriend and I do an online shop each month which is about £55 and then pick stuff up each week- veg and stuff. I'd say, for 2, we spend about £100 a month and that's eating well! I know when I'm on my own I find it less appealing to cook for one but then you have leftovers so you dnt need to cook again for a day or so or need to spend money on lunch the next day etc.

Online shopping has changed my life. Thanks to lack of car we were just going to our local express or whatever every other day or so. Now we have all the store cupboard stuff there and just need to pick up fresh stuff. Saved us a fortune.

Ultimately try and get a balance. there is no point making yourself depressed and working yourself into the ground because of debt. Yours is perfectly managable on your wages- it just might take a little bit longer if you decide to have a night out once a month!

Finally, re: parents. My parents know- they're not in a position to help me but mum will send me her Tesco vouchers and they'll help me out with 'treats' every now and again. But, more than that, it means I can phone up and moan- which probably upsets mum- but I know they respect me for getting on with it and taking control of my life. That's something to be celebrated and you shouldn't feel like the 'lesser sibling' but be proud and pleased that you're taking steps to change your life! Glass must always be HALF FULL! :-)

Give yourself a break and acknowledge you've made MASSIVE inroads already and that it will all be worth it (and a treat every once in a while won't hurt) :-)

xxx