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To parents -Would you want to know?

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To parents -Would you want to know?

edited 13 July 2010 at 8:08PM in Debt-Free Wannabe
54 replies 12.7K views
YoudontseemeYoudontseeme Forumite
449 posts
edited 13 July 2010 at 8:08PM in Debt-Free Wannabe
34 years old, not a badly paid job with around 6 grand of debt making me miserable.

I have in the last 12 months scrounged, saved, had no life, sold everything of any value to try and pay it off and have paid a HUGE chunk of it to get it to 6K.

But now I am stuck I have nothing left to sell, cant see where I can make any more savings. I have no life, I never go out as I cant afford it and have just spent all weekend going over and over my debts trying to work out how to cut the length of time I have it.

The only solution (if you can call it that!) is to tell my parents, I know they would help me out but I dont want them to be disappointed in me, at the moment my mother thinks I am just very anti-social and a bit depressed and I know she worries about me anyway because of the state my head is in (I live 300 miles away from them)

I have worked out that if the lent me the money to pay off my debt I could pay them back with interest in 3 years (or hopefully quicker) and I would get a little extra to start to live again, but telling them..god I'm not sure if I can, I have always been a bit of a disappointment to them compared to my sister (real high flyer social butterfly) and I dont want to let them down any more, but I think if they knew they would want to help.

It is MY mess, I KNOW I have to settle it, I'm just not sure how much longer I can go on like this. I know I am feeling sorry for myself and need to get a grip and while you make think telling them is the easy option but its not, it is the only way I can think of to get some control back into my life.

So like the title would you rather know or should I just grow up and sort it out myself... I think I know the answer already.

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I wish I would take my own advice!
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Replies

  • UnderPressureUnderPressure Forumite
    3.2K posts
    If it were my son our daughter I would be really hurt and upset if they thought for 1 moment they could not approach me for help, and I would gladly help them, I think most parents are aware now just how expensive it is to live in the UK nowadays and also how easy it is to get into debt and fall behind with things, if they are in a position financially where they can help you I am sure they would really want to.

    Give them a ring or go and see them and explain everything, tell them what you have don to try and remedy this situation you may get a pleasent surprise, I for one would be proud of you for going to the extreme in trying to clear your debt and would gladly offer assistance if I could in anyway.

    There are some parents out there that think parenthodd finsihes when you get to 18 and they are no longer responsible for you, these kind of people should never be parents in the first places TBH, only you know what kind of parents you have.......

    Take the plunge you have nothing to lose and your life back to gain :)

    There is no shame in seeking help when it is needed it happens to the best of use at soem stage in our lives, you seem like a sensible person so presume you have learnt your lesson and will never find yourself in this position again I am sure your parents will be proud of that and happy you asked :)
    "You can measure a man's character by the choices he makes under pressure"
    Sir Winston Churchill
  • Daisy_DuckDaisy_Duck Forumite
    1.5K posts

    So like the title would you rather know


    Absolutely. Without a doubt.
    MFiT-4 72:dance:
  • tanithtanith Forumite
    8.1K posts
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    Tell them , if it was me I'd definately want to know... you have done as much as you can before asking and you have to explain the whole situation to them and how its making you feel.... make that call today , your parents would hate the thought of you carrying on feeling so miserable just for the want of a phone call... good luck and pop back when you've done it.. even if they can't help you financially having them know and be on your side will take the weight off a little...
    #6 of the SKI-ers Club :j

    "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" Edmund Burke
  • searching_mesearching_me Forumite
    18.4K posts
    i would ... but im sorry i wouldnt pay it off i wouldnt see my children starve of course but how can you learn and be proud you dealt and cleared it yourself if they bail you out ... sometimes the hard way is the only way x
    :)Still searching .....:)
  • papermoneypapermoney Forumite
    583 posts
    I would definitely want to know. I would help where possible as well. (My parents have actually done this for me as well - after my marriage broke up and I was left with a lot of debt).

    I would hate it if my children didn't think they could approach me with somthing they were worried about.

    Good Luck.
    :rotfl:
  • UnderPressureUnderPressure Forumite
    3.2K posts
    i would ... but im sorry i wouldnt pay it off i wouldnt see my children starve of course but how can you learn and be proud you dealt and cleared it yourself if they bail you out ... sometimes the hard way is the only way x

    Although I agree with you to a certain extent I also think it depends on the the individual child so to speak, some sons and daughters I suppose would continue to get in 1 mess after the other, you know your own children better than anyone if this is the case then maybe a lesson needs to be learnt...............

    However I do not get this impresssion from the OP, they have tried all ways to clear this debt and now they are at the stage where they have no life just debt payments, the world is now a very different place in fact it mostly revolves on debt as we all know, but leaving your child to fend for themselves if you are in a position to help I also think is ludicrous, after all whatever money you have in savings etc is probably going to be theres one day anyhow why not try and make their life a bit easier at the monent?

    I for one know only too well that being in debt in your thirties whilst trying to provide for a young family (dont know if this is th ops position but hey ho) is no easy task and if as a parent I could make that any easier then Im sorry but I would WANT TO.

    As said before I dont class parenting as finishing when your child reaches 18 and moves out there is more you can offer a child at this time in their life than just harsh words..............
    "You can measure a man's character by the choices he makes under pressure"
    Sir Winston Churchill
  • BuffythedebtslayerBuffythedebtslayer Forumite
    16.3K posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Photogenic Xmas Saver!
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    I am the same age as you and have a similar amount of debt (£7326). Mine was hilariously bad a few years and is now kinda doable so long as I don't go mad (as I have been doing recently, *slaps wrist*)

    I have never told any one in my family the huge mess I got myself into. I was managing, I always managed, no missed payments, great credit rating, but I was sinking real fast when I found this place.

    I have wondered about telling Mum but to be honest I think the worry would devastate her and all the things she thinks about me would be true - which is ironic really since honestly I think I am ok. For me it would change my relationship with her massively. I am only just now getting her to see me as an adult.

    So I won't ever tell her for that reason - I know how badly she would think of me. I also want to pay off the bloody stupid thing myself.

    Sorry am sure that doesn't help much!

    xxxx
    Debt Free as of 26/07/19 (third time is the charm!)
    House Savings target 0/5000, H2B 3000/5400, General savings 700 a month
  • BuffythedebtslayerBuffythedebtslayer Forumite
    16.3K posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Photogenic Xmas Saver!
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    Just as an interfering aside, what is credit rating like? Can you transfer your debt to a cheaper loan? CC?

    xxx
    Debt Free as of 26/07/19 (third time is the charm!)
    House Savings target 0/5000, H2B 3000/5400, General savings 700 a month
  • SingleSueSingleSue Forumite
    11.2K posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
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    I would hope that my children would know that they would have my support and help in a practical way (rather than financial - no money to do that!).

    I would actually be rather hurt if they hid their worry and stress from me. Yes, I would then worry about them once they have told me but a problem shared is a problem halved and I would hate to think of them being so distraught.
    We made it! Two graduated, 1 currently at university, been hard work but it shows there is a possibility of a chance of normal (ish) life after a diagnosis (or two) of ASD. It's not been the easiest route but I am so glad I ignored everything and everyone and did my own therapies with them.
    Eldests' EDS diagnosis 4.5.10, mine 13.1.11 eekk!
  • searching_mesearching_me Forumite
    18.4K posts
    Although I agree with you to a certain extent I also think it depends on the the individual child so to speak, some sons and daughters I suppose would continue to get in 1 mess after the other, you know your own children better than anyone if this is the case then maybe a lesson needs to be learnt...............

    However I do not get this impresssion from the OP, they have tried all ways to clear this debt and now they are at the stage where they have no life just debt payments, the world is now a very different place in fact it mostly revolves on debt as we all know, but leaving your child to fend for themselves if you are in a position to help I also think is ludicrous, after all whatever money you have in savings etc is probably going to be theres one day anyhow why not try and make their life a bit easier at the monent?

    I for one know only too well that being in debt in your thirties whilst trying to provide for a young family (dont know if this is th ops position but hey ho) is no easy task and if as a parent I could make that any easier then Im sorry but I would WANT TO.

    As said before I dont class parenting as finishing when your child reaches 18 and moves out there is more you can offer a child at this time in their life than just harsh words..............

    i also dont think being a parent ends at 18 ... but sorry i would never ask my parents or any family to clear my debts i made them i clear them .... as i say dont get me wrong as i said i would never see my children starve but i would rather take them food shopping or something like that ... ive never had my parents to relie on if anything my mother would bug me for money but at the end of the day a child has to grow in someone they're proud and say i did it x
    :)Still searching .....:)
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