Where can a 17 year old make friends?

nickj_2

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I would be horrified if my 15 year old daughter was hanging out with young women of 23 and 24 and would far rather see her spend her time in her bedroom (studying?). In addition, working not one but two jobs when under age (presumably to keep up with these women's spending patterns) strikes me being detrimental to her education.

i really think you need to have a lie down and give your vivid and overactive imagination a bit of a rest . you are commenting on things where you do not have any facts . you do not know what she does when she is out with these friends or the amount of time she spends with them , you do not know what hours she is working , you do not know what effect this is having on her education and you do not know what she spends her money on .

i presume that in your warped mind they are all falling out of nightclubs , completelty legless , then going back to someones house and having drug fuelled orgies - going on huge spending sprees and not doing well at school -
i have more concerns when she is hanging out with friends of her own age . it is they who are getting completely drunk and drugged up, probably because the parents don't give a toss , although my d knows the consequences if she were to get in thsi state she doesn't get involved .

kids have a right to have fun and hang out with who they want to , as long as they are not coming to harm , what is the problem - staying in your bedroom studying all the time sounds a bit drastic

tightgit_2

Make-it-3 wrote: »

What's happened to her friends from school? Is she still in touch? Did she have friends there?

Is she unhappy with the current situation, or does it bother you more?

As we go through life we interact with different groups of people; school, college/uni, work etc and some people will always find it easier and make more friends than others.

But if she is really struggling with shyness/lack of confidence maybe she can see a college counsellor about getting some help which she can use both in her current situation and for the future.

Unfortunately she has always been seperated from local people because she went to a school some 5 miles away, so it has always been difficult to see school friends out of school hours. Now the few local friends she has are on the dole or on vocational courses. She is the only one doing A-levels. I think this has caused problems because they don't understand why she is doing them.

It probably bothers me more than her. She has seen several counsellors over the last 5 years and whilst they have been useful the counselling always stops after a few weeks. The counsellors at college have been terrible.

I am hoping that things will be better when she goes to uni next year.

tightgit_2

Brighton_belle wrote: »

the best way to make friends if you are shy is to joins some sort of activity group. Then, you don't have to make small talk, but get to know people through shared interest/activity.
She may not know what activity/hobbies she might enjoy, so perhaps you could encourage her by looking at a whole range of ideas so she can pick one or two that appeal to her. And if she finds she doesn't like th activy after all, after a few weeks of trying, then pick another one.
The sept ad ed brouchures will possibly be out by now as well. A lot of things may slowing down now as we head in to the summer break. But start looking now for Sept.
Volunteering is another one - at an animal centre for example, or a countryside conservation group. The important thing is, finding something where there will be some people her age.

All my best friends have come through doing evening courses over the years, including my OH:D

I think your right. I will look.

tightgit_2

flutterbyuk25 wrote: »

She could do a development course over the summer holidays?

I work for Prince's Trust and we have a 12 week personal development course for 16-25 year olds. It's a group of around 13 young people and they do various things including education, community work, work experience, outdoor pursuits etc. It's designed to help them gain confidence, communication, tolerance etc. All the kids I work with make firm friends with at least one or two, if not all the others.

There are many different courses like ours out there, which run for different lengths of time. Take her to her locals Careers/Connextions to discuss it with a careers adviser, who will need to refer her to the appropriate organisation.

With us they get paid £50/wk training allowance plus travel expenses, different organisations may pay differently.

That looks really interesting. Pity it's so long because she starts back at college in September. I will see if I can find a shorter course.

ticklepenny_2

tightgit wrote: »

Unfortunately she has always been seperated from local people because she went to a school some 5 miles away, so it has always been difficult to see school friends out of school hours. Now the few local friends she has are on the dole or on vocational courses. She is the only one doing A-levels. I think this has caused problems because they don't understand why she is doing them.

It probably bothers me more than her. She has seen several counsellors over the last 5 years and whilst they have been useful the counselling always stops after a few weeks. The counsellors at college have been terrible.

I am hoping that things will be better when she goes to uni next year.

I was in this situation, I went to school and college 8 miles away from home (we were a bit rural lol). I found that my part time job and Singing were the way forward. I joined the college choir and quite randomly was then selected to join the county choir on tour to Italy. Also as soon as I turned 18 I used to travel, find a hostel and go away for a weekend and I met loads of people through doing that.
HTH

Oldernotwiser

nickj wrote: »

i really think you need to have a lie down and give your vivid and overactive imagination a bit of a rest . you are commenting on things where you do not have any facts . you do not know what she does when she is out with these friends or the amount of time she spends with them , you do not know what hours she is working , you do not know what effect this is having on her education and you do not know what she spends her money on .

i presume that in your warped mind they are all falling out of nightclubs , completelty legless , then going back to someones house and having drug fuelled orgies - going on huge spending sprees and not doing well at school -
i have more concerns when she is hanging out with friends of her own age . it is they who are getting completely drunk and drugged up, probably because the parents don't give a toss , although my d knows the consequences if she were to get in thsi state she doesn't get involved .

kids have a right to have fun and hang out with who they want to , as long as they are not coming to harm , what is the problem - staying in your bedroom studying all the time sounds a bit drastic

I wasn't imagining any of the ridiculous things that you suggest but going around with people 8 or 9 years older than you isn't healthy when you're 15, anymore than it would be to be playing with 6 and 7 year olds.

Studying most of the time when you're doing GCSEs would be reasonable behaviour which most parents would be only too happy to see; it's really a question of priorities.

Oldernotwiser

tightgit wrote: »

Unfortunately she has always been seperated from local people because she went to a school some 5 miles away, so it has always been difficult to see school friends out of school hours. Now the few local friends she has are on the dole or on vocational courses. She is the only one doing A-levels. I think this has caused problems because they don't understand why she is doing them.

It probably bothers me more than her. She has seen several counsellors over the last 5 years and whilst they have been useful the counselling always stops after a few weeks. The counsellors at college have been terrible.

I am hoping that things will be better when she goes to uni next year.

I'm sure things will be better when she is living amongst others who share her aspirations and work ethic. Hopefully she'll be going away to university when the time comes and she can meet a whole new crowd of like minded people.

Murray

susieb wrote: »

how about something like the young farmers

If she has an interest in the countryside/rural affairs then I'd second Young Farmers as a great way to meet people. Its very sociable and there are lots of things to get involved in - sports, crafts, outdoor pursuits, overseas exchanges, quizes and competitions...far too many to list here. I was in a similar position because I went to school a fair few miles away from where I lived and never really stayed in touch with people from college/University because I didnt have enough in common with them but I have made lifelong friends at Young Farmers. You dont have to be a farmer...I'm not!

minerva_windsong

OP, I was very similar to your daughter when I was younger - almost painfully shy so used to spend a lot of my time in the library/on my own, and I know my mum fretted over me because she worried I was lonely, when really I enjoyed my own company as I was (and am) quite an independent person. I did however fret a lot that I wasn't doing what I was 'supposed' to do - that is, having loads of friends and constantly going out with them - and whilst I'm not in any way suggesting you fretting over her is making her worse, it might be contributing to why she is how she is.

For what it's worth, I only came out of school with one friend, who I'm not really in touch with much now, and had one friend in college who's now my best mate (though I didn't meet her til second year). I met most of the people I'm friends with now when I was at university, where there seems to be a lot more scope for doing what you want -there's a society for pretty much everything, so she's more likely to find something she wants to do there (especially if she has quite unusual interests), and then quite often you become friends with other people in the group and with people on your course - I'm probably an exception but I never really bonded with the people in my halls because whilst they were perfectly nice we were just too different.

For now, I would suggest sports clubs - not the college ones, it's maybe a bit late for that (and certainly my college sports clubs were a bit snooty), but any in the local area that might offer something she's interested in. Alongside this, it may be worth doing something to foster her independence - the job suggestion is good, as you do bond with your workmates and certainly in my student jobs there was a culture of everyone going out for a drink on a Sunday night, and it might also be worth looking into taking driving lessons. I've just started learning to drive again (took lessons when I was 17 but was too nervous) and it's immensely beneficial, especially as I live in quite a rural area.

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Sorry, but :eek::eek::eek::eek:

That's the age gap between me and my sisters (they were eight and twelve when I was born) and I'd consider my eldest sister in particular one of my best friends, but she only started being my friend when I got to the age of about 14 because before that we couldn't really identify with each other. I don't see what's wrong with it.

PolishBigSpender

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Studying most of the time when you're doing GCSEs would be reasonable behaviour which most parents would be only too happy to see; it's really a question of priorities.

Heaven forbid - that costs money!

Much better to have the child working as early as possible to the detriment of their education!