Being a single mum to a 2 year old and new born

dontknowwhat2doanymore

Hi mumof1, I am a homestart volunteer, I don't know how long the waiting lists are where you are but I would advise that you tell the person visiting you that you need help asap. This will give you time to meet your volunteer hopefully before you have baby, and you will hopefully feel alot more relaxed and so will DS. When you have your volunteer please use them, dont feel you need to make them a drink and talk etc if all you want to do is have a bath etc. I support two families, 1 of which I have a quick 5-10 min chat then play with the baby while mum does what she wants to do. I only wish I had know about homestart when mine were much smaller- only 10.5 months between my oldest 2 lol.

All the best

xxx

mumof1and1ontheway

dontknowwhat2... I have been promised I will be matched with a homestart volunteer before baby arrives I did tell them I did not mind waiting until baby is here... as before baby arrives I do not see myself as high on the list for needing the help.. whereas once baby arrives the help will be invaluable. Even if its just doing play with my DS or watching him whilst I have a quick bath or sort baby out etc.

I have just recieved a letter today also stating that DS has been accepted for the pilot scheme of up to 10 hours a week at nursery.
Though now I have the dilemma of... do I send him for 2 mornings a week or just one? x

freda

I've not had time to read the whole thread, sorry. But ideas off the top of my head (I have a 16 month gap, but not a single mum)

Help:
- Could you contact local colleges - I'm sure some of them have nursery nurse courses where students have to do a placement in a home.
- Let friends, neighbours etc know that you will take ANY help offered - would suggest offers of looking after 2 year old, cooking meals, doing the washing are accepted as quickly as possible! You'd be surprise who will offer to help, we had a meal dropped round by someone we'd only met a few times when we had our second.


Preparation:
- Batch cook and freeze absolutely loads and loads of food for you and DS1.
- Set up online ordering for food, also maybe look into milk&more.co.uk to get the milkman to deliver for a while
- Get DS1 as independent as possible. I'm just teaching my DS (23 months) to sit at a table instead of a highchair, so no lifting etc. Try teaching him to come over to you when you want to change him, instead of having to drag him kicking and screaming! Spend time reading books and having 'sitting down' time so that he is used to it and enjoys it.
- Get the bedtime routine as easy as possible. Don't bath every day. Book, teeth and bed is all we do here.

When baby arrives:

- Be easy on yourself, lower your standards of cleanliness. As long as you and babies are safe, fed and warm, it doesn't matter. Sleep as and when you possibly can.
- Don't stress if DS1 gets stuck in front of cbeebies for what seems like hours to begin with, it will pass. In fact, actively make sure you have PLENTY of kiddie dvds, or have a look on you tube for things DS will enjoy while you sort out the baby's nappy/food/clothes etc.
- get a sling - I LOVE my kari me - as it will enable you to be hands free around the house whilst cuddling baby to sleep or feeding. I'd not recommend the rucksack sort that mothercare, boots etc sell. Go for a fabric one like a kari me, moby, baby hawk or wilkinet.

Breastfeeding:
- have a look at a kari-me stretchy wrap sling. You can feed in these with absolutely no chance of anyone seeing anything.
- Don't assume you'll be housebound. Pretty soon, baby will go for at least an hour without a feed, you can take yourselves off to the park or a toddler group in this time.
- Go to places that you can feed easily. If you have a friendly toddler group, ask someone to keep an eye on DS1 while you go off somewhere quiet to feed. Or drape a muslin over your shoulder and over DS2's head and no one will esee anything.
- best clothes for bf in public are a simple vest top, with a t shirt on top. Then t shirt goes up, vest top goes down and you are very discreet indeed.
- do try to get out of the house, it will do you all good - honestly no one will notice (or care) if you bf, especially if you are at a toddler group, park or other child friendly place.



I think the best advice I can offer is that the tiredness, knackerdness and feelings of being a crap mother DO PASS - it is such hard work when you are in the thick of it but just remember that you need to only worry about the things that need worrying about. No one cares if your house needs a hoover, the loos need a clean, the children have worn the same clothes 2 days running. All you want is happy children, so get as much sleep as you can and be easy on yourself.

gratefulforhelp_2

Hugs, honey.

Muster all the support you can around you. Ask people to play to their strengths.

Make sure you have all the cash you are entitled to. If your children's father isn't paying maintenance then he should. CSA last resort.

Stock up the freezer and sleep when you can.

Enjoy and celebrate your children as much as you can. Rest and go easy on caffeine/alcohol.

Lots of love and prayers.

Jo_R_2

I was a single mum when DD1 was 3 and DD2 was 8 months so just remembering what worked for me...

First. Sounds like you have this covered but let the "professionals" know your situation. So Health Visitor is the key one as they have the know-how to access all sorts of help, midwife too, then Home Start. I also have a Family Visitor (I think these are called different titles across the country) who are connected to local Sure Start centres. Completely invaluable - my first one used to drag us out of the house to new groups at the Sure Start centre and would come with us the first few times, introduce us to the people who work there, get details of other groups at the centre and local playgroups.

Get friends and family on board. If necessary explain your concerns (I used to worry about not getting out of the house much) and at times certain people (mum, sister, close friends with kids) would come with us to playgroup, out for lunch in town, take the oldest for a couple of hours. A fond memory was when three of my good friends came round for a late tea one evening after the kids were in bed (a well-meant but bleary-eyed effort for me to keep in touch with them!) I spent ages getting DD2 to sleep, felt really unsociable, and nearly fell asleep on the sofa after:o They all promptly got up after we'd eaten pizza, and proceeded to tell me to get 40 winks whilst they all blitzed the kitchen and did several days' worth of washing up. I still feel teary thinking about how nice they were:)

Don't worry too much initially about contact. My experience was that we had to make changes quite often just to get into a routine that worked for us all and the kids.

Eg we both felt DD2 was too young to have overnight contact at 8 months, but liked them being together, so we devised a plan where ex would have both DDs from after lunch every other Saturday, then bring DD2 home and have DD1 to stay over. He would then have both DDs the next weekend all day Saturday. This changed as DD2 got older and could stay over/ex wanted to have them a weeknight as he was working part-time and wanted some free time at the weekend/ex wanted a free weekend full stop.

I'd expect chop and change with working out how to work contact with a newborn, so don't worry about using what you have suggested as a starting point rather than a long-term plan, and see how it works.

Also good idea to think about DS going to nursery. My other thought is do you have anyone close to call on who might be able to help out when you're tired? This might involve someone taking DS off your hands for an afternoon each week maybe, or a good alternative I found great and quite workable was if lovely helpful people could simply come round and help you out at home.

Eg, my parents used to come over one day a week mid-morning and stay until kids' bedtime. It'd be like the fun of having people over so adult conversation but (two!) spare pairs of hands to help with nursery/school pick ups, nappy changes, making lunch and dinner, taking them both out to the park for an hour, and helping put the oldest to bed so I could concentrate on the youngest. Sometimes mum would come shopping with me and the baby whilst dad stayed at home with DD1.

Another way is if someone wants to help out but is at work all day, ask if they can pop round after work. My sister used to do this now and again - I'd make tea whilst she entertained the kids, then she'd help with bedtime and have a cuppa after. Admittedly I used to fall asleep a lot of the time whilst getting DD2 to bed - she'd sneak out and call later:)

My point is don't be afraid to ask for help and it can come in many ways. Home Start are bliddy brilliant btw, mine used to come every Thursday morning and have a chat and take DS out for a walk whilst I would whizz round doing housework then have a shower (shower in peace, in the day = amazing!) Hope some of that helps:)

Counting_Pennies_2

That is fantastic about the nursery funding, that means three mornings, or even two good sessions in a day nursery.

Not sure what establishments you have locally, but if there are day nurserys who are linked to this scheme, I would suggest something like 10 - 4 twice a week.

Enables you a late start.

My DS was at preschool when I had DD and it was tough making it out and then back out again in such a short period of time. So try to get good lengthly sessions if you can.

Even if it is a morning and lunch stay and then collect.

I used to find the two and a half hours were really tight to make anything of them.

hth

[Deleted User]

So many useful suggestions here.

I am terribly sorry if my post sounded a bit sharp. I didn't mean it that way but it might have done. I was just concerned u might be trying to do too much but I was probably wrong lol.

As others have said, accept what help u can hun.., tiredness is the bad part of looking after two little ones altho u will adjust (and there are SO many good things.., so enjoy them). U are obviously a brilliant organiser and doing well to sort things out in advance. But as has been said, be prepared that things can and do change with so many people involved i.e. two little people and your ex.

It is hard about your university course.., but I should think u can do it again at a later date. U've only done three months, try and look on that as a good thing.., it would be harder if u had done longer and had to delay going back for some reason. Is there anything at all else u would be interested in doing right now so u can use this time not only to prepare for the baby but so u can look back on this time with enjoyment, that it was worthwhile for u and not just your children? I'm thinking of anything u might enjoy.., learning more about a hobby.., whatever your dreams are? It might help with the depression and frustration you are feeling. I've taught myself quilting, more sewing, and jewellery making to help combat depression. Now I'm working on an allotment and that is a hobby that will be with me for the rest of my life.., as its (for me) rather fulfilling. I am not suggesting u should do any of these things., they are just examples of how I found more fulfillment in life at difficult times.

Oh and I forgot.., about getting your two year old to come to you instead of running off in the other direction.., if I'm tired and can't be bothered to chase (we do sometimes just for fun) I start counting. My now four year old (and my 14 year old, I learned to do this with him) laugh when I do it, but they soon move when I get to three lol. I started it as a game 'lets see if u can get upstairs by the time I count to five etc' but even at two they can learn counting words, and what they mean. And its fun lol.

mumof1and1ontheway

dean... I have actually signed up for a health and social care home study course at uni.. was going to start it in October, but after thinking about things realistically I have postponed it until February So that will add to my midwifery type studies and will no doubt help if I get to apply again to university sometime in the future.

With regards to my DS coming when shouted, part of it atm is that its a game to him to run away until you physically have to go get him. But I am working on it I have managed it so he can now bring me a nappy and the wipes when he needs changing... but he still won't get on the sofa and lie down because he hates having his bum changed. But recently he has started to bring me a nappy as soon as he starts to poo... so I am wondering.. if its worth buying a potty that is more like a toilet (toyrus do one that plays music and greetings.. and you get a reward chart etc).
As I can get him to sit on the potty fully clothed or with a nappy on, but once you take the nappy off he wont go near.

I know people say its a bad idea to start potty training before baby comes... but I am wondering if I buy the toilet (yes they are expensive at £25 but they can also attach onto the loo afterwards), and his dad is being fully supportive in being consistent. I am wondering if with him starting nursery in september, will it be a good idea to try potty training in september? As will nursery be able to help me with that? Baby would be around a month and a half... so maybe in more or a routine than at birth.
Plus if I can get DS to be proud of something he is doing, it can only help eh?

To whoever mentioned nursery... my options are up to 10 hours... so either one full day... or 2 half days... or 1 half day. I am considering one half day... as DS see's his dads 2 days and nights a week, so I dont want him away from me for too long!
But some nurserys are flexible like you said... so I am thinking maybe if I have him in nursery just for 1 day a week... for something like 10am until 3pm? Thats 5 hours. My only problem is what to do with nap time... I mean when do kids normally give that up? atm I put him down for a nap at 1 and go jump in bed myself... and we have around 2 hours... but recently at bedtime he will play in his room for up to 2 hours before finally going to sleep. Yet if I cut out his nap completely he will be falling asleep at tea time and I then have to struggle to keep him awake.

I am feeling really positive today I love days like today. I just need more days like today and less days where I panick like mad lol. It probably helps that I have finally managed a decent nights sleep after not sleeping well for a while x

Counting_Pennies_2

I really do strongly urge you not to do potty training so close to the baby, and with a child not two yet.

If there were no major changes coming up I would suggest giving it ago, but I cannot over emphasis the fact that going from one to two children is a big change, for you and for your first, and throwing this huge leap in his learning is asking too much.

Children often view new siblings as a massive imposition (imagine a wife expected to live in the same house as a husband and his mistress), so there will be inevitable acting out ahead, and being able to use wee and poo as his weapon is not something you will want to have to deal with.

It is natural around the age of 2 to start telling you they are doing something in their nappy, that is great and is the starting point for the future for potty training.

Have baby first, then see how it goes, perhaps three months down the line or you might just find a few more months after that.

In terms of sleep, most nurseries offer sleep arrangements for a 2 year old. Might not be in a cot, might be in a pushchair, or mattress on floor, but if it is just one day I wouldn't worry about it. Just make sure your ex is happy to follow on with the cot sleeping to keep the sleeps happening.

With regards to sleep changes at home, if he wants to play in his room first, I would suggest popping up there a little earlier than you would normally do so he can do his playing then go to sleep at a time he would normally go up. You might find some days he chooses not to sleep and just play (eek! I know, but that is them slowly readjusting.) Don't take that as a sign it will drop completely. Just like growth spurts and other changes when they are babies the same happens even now.

hth

woody01

and I have not yet come to a decision as to how often and for how long he should see baby?

Blackmail on the cards then?