Being a single mum to a 2 year old and new born

mumof1and1ontheway

I wondered if anyone had much advice to give? I have more or less planned my life now to ensure its the best for my DS and unborn baby boy.. filed for a DRO, started divorce proceedings, rented privately since Feb, bought every baby item I need apart from the odd bit, hospital bag ready, applied for help with homestart, applied for the 2 year old pilot scheme to see if my DS can go to nursery one day a week...

But I am totally unprepared with managing once baby is here (I am 32 weeks, DS is almost 23 months). DS see's his dad 2 nights and days a month which will ease pressure aswell as give DS time away from baby. DS's dad is also the father of unborn.. and I have not yet come to a decision as to how often and for how long he should see baby?

DS has started the terrible 2's, and is not yet potty training.. but we are doing well with development etc.

I just wondered what invaluable advice you lovely people can give to help me through the first few months? I will be trying breastfeeding with baby, as I managed it for 3 months with DS. Though I know it will mean being more housebound for the first 6 or so weeks until I can express as I am very uncomfortable with breastfeeding in public.

Also I will be 37 weeks pregnant when DS is 2, so have no idea what to plan for his birthday as DS was due on the 8th of August and came 3 weeks early and baby is due on the 7th of August lol.

Do babys who come early naturally normally mean the next baby does too?

Sorry for the long post and thank you so much in advance

esmf73

Mum - first of all relax, don't stress as it won't do Bailey any good! Second what I'd do is make sure that you have plenty of food in - fill your freezer etc to tide you over.

Birthday? Well, make or buy a birthday cake (they freeze very well) and at 2 any party with lots of people is mainly for you, not him. So invite some people you know will support you if you have Bailey too - and then perhaps one or two of his friends (with their parent) over for a tea party. Perhaps ask them to bring their teddies. Give them a piece of cake and a balloon to go home with and thats fine.

When Bailey does arrive, make sure you have some formula just in case you can't breast feed. When my second son arrived my first was 17 1/2 months old. I fed for 2 weeks but whenever I sat down to feed DS1 would be his most naughtiest, despite having set up activities etc for him to do. I also got thrush, it was just before Christmas, so I quickly put DS2 on to forumla - he's been fine, and at 4 1/2 is still sleeping in bed this morning!!

Kids just need love, warmth, food and drink - as long as they're loved ...

Say yes to any help that you get offered and if your parents live close and you're on good terms, why not ask them to have the boys for one morning a week - just so you can have a pamper bath or something. You'd be in the house, so there if anything happened, but just off duty for a short while - and you'd feel great afterwards. If you decide to go down this route, PM me your address as I have loads of bath stuff I've not used and will send you some. xx

[Deleted User]

Please please try and relax.

I do hope I am not speaking out of turn.., but I suspect u are kindof making trouble for yourself. Is your two year old going to know its his birthday and he 'should' have a birthday party? Is it worth the stress u will be creating for yourself just after your baby is born? I am sure some people will come round and give him prezzy's. Isn't that enough really at 2? I know u want the ideal.., but please ask yourself if its worth it? There's plenty of time for birthday parties later on, when he'll remember them and understand what they are.

Also.., why should breast feeding mean u are housebound? As long as u are breast feeding 90% of the time, there is no reason why u can't either put formula in a bottle for the occasional feed or express and bottle feed (with plenty of pads in your bra lol). U'r son will still be getting enough good stuff from breastfeeding, he won't suffer any ill effects from the occasional bottle (even one a day). So don't resign yourself to being housebound for 6 weeks, life has to go on. In fact, I would say it was vital that u do go out of the house, talk to other adults for your own health and sanity lol.

If u don't already visit them, contact your local surestart, find out where the local stay and plays are.., even if u sit there with u'r new baby, it will give u chance to meet other mums, find out what they do locally and give your two year old a chance to play and experience something slightly more like nursery - as a prep for nursery lol.

I hope this helps. Remember, u don't have to be a perfect mum.., u just have to love your kids and take it as it comes. Don't make it more stressful than it is. Remember to enjoy your kids rather than organise them.

knithappens

I breastfed my last one, Once i got the hang of it, i very rarely breastfed in public not becasue i did nto want to but because it just worked out that way, Iwould feed LO in morning and then off to school we went, then shopping by the time we got back she ws due another feed, when she did need feeding outside i did it discretly, no one knew, just looked like i was cuddling her, dont let breastfeeding keep you at home, once LO does arrive you will fall into your own routine, looks like you are as prepared as you can be right now. And like as been mention just have some formula incase you cannot breastfeed.

SDG31000

Hello mumof1and1ontheway, congratulations on the impending arrival and on being so organised. Do you have a health visitor at the moment? As it might be a good idea to ask her about Home Start. They send volunteers in to help for a few hours a week. I had one when I had my second son and she was a god send. Just being able to have a bath without worrying or someone to go shopping with me was wonderful.
As for your son's birthday, I had a party at Wacky Warehouse for my eldest son's 3rd birthday when youngest son was 10 days old. All I needed to organise was party bags and I did that beforehand. It might be worth looking into something like that where they do all the work.
The best of luck with it all. Take care

JBD

Mumofone, you already sound well organised!
It is not really possible to predict when your baby will be born, however you may get more of a sense as the weeks go on. As this is your 2nd pregnancy I think you will be more aware of things like this. Similarily with breastfeeding, I think some Mums do find it 'slots into place' a little better 2nd time around, so hopefully things go well for you. Just try and relax and have confidence in yourself and your body.

What I found with my 2nd and 3rd child [and I didn't have any help at all from the Dad] was that they fitted into my own life, rather than me working around them.eg, as I had the schoolrun, and then later nursery, I found that I timed feeds and so on around these. They also learnt to fall asleep in their prams and just generally got into routines really quickly [without me having to do anything cruel or horrible].
I agree with what other posters said about your 2 year old's party. He doesn't need one, plenty of children don't have a party every year. All he needs is a nice happy day.

Counting_Pennies_2

Well done you for all the planning.

Lets get the easy bit out of the way. My DD hadn't a clue it was her 2nd birthday, or what it entailed. We were with relatives a few weeks before and we had a cake for her then. Then over the next few weeks she had a present a day, sent from relatives, so as not to overwhelm her. Her birthday was in the summer holidays and everyone was away who we would have invited to a party, so we decided not to do a party. It went by virtually unnoticed, but relatives and ourselves remembered, and she had another cake on her day. That was more than enough. If you have friends who want to celebrate also, how about popping to the park and ask everyone to bring a picnic, you could take a cake (tesco cakes tend to have a long BBF date) and blow candles, maybe put on some party hats, but don't do more than is absolutely necessary. It is the 3rd birthday they majorly want to celebrate, that is when they understand.

In terms of coping with the new born, they do tend to sleep a lot of the time, so that is your time to recover and I would suggest a good selection of DVDs perhaps Peppa Pig, Dora, Diago, etc that will keep little one entertained for a good stretch once a day so you can rest on the sofa and watch with little one without doing any housework, or other chores. Try to switch off as much as you can, even doze if you can.

Then use your toddler to help you with jobs around the house while baby lies on a bouncer chair, or in a sling if it won't be put down. washing up, (might want to eat and drink out of plastics!) washing on and hanging out, cleaning, a duster is brilliant fun for them, also if they want to do the spraying of cleaning liquid, just pick up a very cheap empty spray bottle and fill it with water and let him squirt too.

Going by age, your toddler will hopefully still be having a sleep in the day. Try to make sure you are in the house for this. If they sleep regularly on the move, they lose the ability to sleep in the cot in the day much earlier than those who regularly day nap in the cot. Although don't spoil your sanity if you find it better to be out and about.

Do 'cooking' with the toddler. By that I mean melt some chocolate in a bowl over a pan and let your DS stir Rice Krispies or Cornflakes in with the chocolate in a cold bowl. No need to go any further than that in terms of giving them a cooking experience for now!

A friend of mine was struggling with toddler twins and asked the health visitor for some advice. She said it is important to regularly give 10 minutes uninterrupted time. It doesn't sound much, but look at your day, and see what time you do spend with DS, I was horrified that yes we were together doing things, but I was shopping, cleaning, washing, on the phone during this time. Much as it is good life experience, it isn't devoted time to them. So sit and watch the clock to make sure you don't get up and do anything else for at least 10 minutes. Jigsaws, threading beads, drawing, (no tv!) and you will do doubt find you have a DS who is happy to plod along with you for the next few hours until the next devoted time.

In terms of terrible twos, the independance is being asserted, and also you might find towards the baby too. In my experience pick your battles with DS or you might find you say no too much! Time out is good for all. We find a time out step wherever we go. You insist they sit for a full minute for every year of their life, so two for your little one. It gives both of you some time to recover.

Remember to praise regularly.

Don't feel bad if DS doesn't want to help with the baby, he is still young himself.

If you haven't already I would strongly urge you get a double pushchair, the age gap you have is small and the last thing you want is a tantrum everytime you go out.

Cleaning isn't a priority just keep the toilet and kitchen ticking over, nor is ironing, make sure you shake well, put less items in the machine so they don't crease, you will find you don't need to iron.

Only you can answer the access issues, without knowing your relationship problems. I wonder though is two days a month enough for your DS, would it be possible for one day a week?

PS don't beat yourself up if you can't fit in the breastfeeding, try for the first few weeks, so the good stuff is fed, but if you are getting very drained, or DS isn't coping, then don't carry guilt about it.

Also, don't worry about potty training, boys tend to need to wait until they are nearer 3, so just keep on with the nappies. Tesco super have always performed to the same standard as Pampers for me

hth

JoW123

Just a quick response to answer one of your points. My DS was born just over 3 weeks early. The midwife was convinced that DD would be similar but she wasn't born until 2 days before her due date, so it doesn't always follow! Others have answered your other points brilliantly so I will just wish you good luck!

mumof1and1ontheway

Sorry if I don't answer all questions or acknowledge every reply.. I have read them and very much appreciate the advice
I did mean DS see's his dad for 2 nights per week... occassionally for 3.

I did think of a small party at my house for DS's birthday, but am going to see how many friends fancy helping with clearing up etc.

I already have a double pram... as soon as my grant landed I invested in a phil and teds as I am using it as a single until baby arrives

DS does still have a nap, but I have to put him in his bed awake at 1pm every day for him to have it... will try and keep this up though as if he misses his nap he is then falling asleep by 5 (his bedtime is 7) x

Counting_Pennies_2

Fantastic, the days he will be with his father will be heaven sent.

Enjoy those days to bond with baby. Perhaps this will also be time to plod slowly around the house doing chores so they don't pile up while you look after the two together.

I missed the opportunity to bond properly with my number 2, so have lazy times in bed after feeds with the baby.

In terms of access for the new born and your ex, how are you at getting along with one another. If you can bear it perhaps suggest on the day he brings DS home that you spend the morning all together so he can bond with baby.

I don't realistically think that before the age of 6 months he will be able to have baby overnight. I wonder if maybe he can take baby out for a walk for you after a feed once a week for an hour so he can enjoy spending some time with it and then build up slowly from there.

hth

mumof1and1ontheway

Counting pennies at first I had suggested he see baby 3 times a week for in 2 hourly doses. 2 hours before taking DS, 2 hours after dropping him off and then 2 hours in the middle of the week. But I think I am more inclined to keep it to twice a week... before taking and after dropping off DS. As I feel that him being here for 2 hours in the middle of the week may confuse and upset DS as he may think its time for his to go to daddys?

But my problem is.. us 4 hours a week enough to see a newborn so he can bond etc? Its so hard to juggle!

I do feel I am coping well atm with things... well.. as much as I can really. I am starting to get panicky and down on the situation quite alot recently. Though Im thinking alot has to do with the tiredness, the uncomfyness and the not being able to take DS out everyday like I used to. I am also quit sad that I had to give up university due to the break out (I'd only completed 3 months). But I am not allowed to return as it would of meant returning in December and having to do night shifts etc which is just not do-able

I guess I am in a tough place atm... as one day I can see ALL the positives and am upbeat... can easily sort the house out ready for DS and baby... but days like today whilst DS is at his dads, once the cleaning and the washing is done I find myself feeling quite depressed with myself and my life... even though deep down I know I should be so so lucky for the life I have been given... but its just so hard some days to imagine how I will ever cope alone.

Sorry for the little moan there, but I feel it would be better out than in. Thank you so much for your replys you do not know how helpful they have been!