please help, life has never seemed so bad...

Sunnylooloo

Hi PS

Ah you know what already I can just feel you are sounding so much more positive!!! So a big huge well done to you.

Keep updating and we'll be here to keep reading.

LL
xx

pocketshell

Hi LL
Done very little so far but feel so much better thanks to you great people!! xx

Mazzy_2

pocketshell wrote: »

Hi Mazzy
thanks for posting, so good to know there's not just me in this state, felt so much better just talking about my mess. just going over to your thread now, speak later xx

It was great to hear from you on my thread! :wave:

MerseyLad

Hi Pocketshell.

Firstly, welcome to the forums. As you can see from my post count. I don't often type on here, but I feel compelled to write soemthing to this.

We men can be strange creatures. Simplistic and very proud. Your OH is probably stuck in denial like most of us are when faced with problems. After all, we all think we were put on this earth to take care of our family, protect our women and "MAN MAKE FIRE!!!".

Sadly, a few thousand years on from the first caveman and debts paid in pebbles, we have not quite developed and evolved like women and as such we are puzzled and perplexed by how to reason with problems.

Back off him for a day or 2, but.................

In the meantime, write down everything you want to say him [by hand or save it as a file on the computer]. Explain your worries and concerns and that you need to all work hard as a family to come through this. Explain how you feel about him [I presume you still love him ] and that all parties are equally to blame for putting their heads in the sand, but that it cannot be resolved by one party facing the problem whilst the other one doesn't.
Try not to be brutally honest - in the sense that you are critisicing him [ie "you are running away from the debt problems" etc] and just write from the heart. Which, i must say, you have done brilliantly on here to this point. He needs to be reassured that this is not solely down to him [because he will feel that it is].

Part way through the letter list the details of financial fact. List of all debts. The APR's and monthly outgoings against your incomes. Explain that the kids are on board and that they just want you all to be happy. The facts are all there for him to see then. Finish with ideas on how to conquer this problem, and what you see as being a realistic target and what you want to see to help you feel better, and how his role is so important in all of that.

Get the letter all ready, or the letter up on the PC if you choose that method. Put a can of lager on the side next to it, and tell him you are going to leave the house for an hour to give him chance to see what you want to say to him. Dont tell him what its about, just say "I would really appreciate it, if you could read the [letter on the table/PC screen] whilst I'm out"
Leave him to digest it all at his own speed and see all the points you want to make - but can't cos he is quite aggressively opposed to listening to them. Then see what happens.

I think sometimes we men just need to sit alone and face the stark realities of what is going on. The fact that you are not just bombarding him with questions and problems, but are coming up with solutions, will not only impress on him about how commited you are, but also that you genuinely are doing this for the benefit of the family.
In his mind, he may feel like you are nagging. He probably has an idea of what the problems are, but not the real gravity of them. When faced with facts, emotions and the feeling that everyone beside him is on board, then I am sure he will come around.

Good luck with it.

Spirit_2

Hello pocketshell:hello:

The meal planning, shopping and cooking go to the Old Style Thread - I knocked my shopping down from £600 per month to £400 per month with no effort at all from following advice on this board.

- If you are changing your utilities go through quidco, you will get money back - it is excellent.

Your OH - just because you have had your light bulb moment there is no reason why your husband should have had his at the same time. Mr Spirit took a while, and it felt as if he was a saboteur at times! He did get there.

Baby steps. If you are serious about clearing debts you will be in this for the long haul and we will be here to support you.

MerseyLad

Forgot to say.....

If you haven't done so already, open an account with www.quidco.com brilliant for earning cashback on your shopping pretty much everywhere. I've earned £250+ back in 12 months.

On top of that, if you shop online, search for discount codes before you buy to get an extra few % off the total.

http://www.discountvouchers.co.uk/
www.MyVoucherCodes.co.uk/Discount

Also.....how are you bank doing for you? Have they charged you all over the place, or have they been more a help than hindrance? I moved banks 18 months ago to Alliance & Leicester and can't speak highly enough of them. Plus, I went through quidco and got £50 for opening an account, plus A&L had an offer on at the time of £100 if you transferred your account to them. Check bank accounts on quidco for any current offers that may interest you.

ilovebanksMCMLXXXI

pocketshell wrote: »

I've been reading the fantastic threads here for a while now, I have never posted on anything like this before and am not sure if I'm doing this right, but I've just got to the stage where I feel like running away and feel so lonely that I dont honestly know what else to do.
Feel like I owe so much money . I've been trying to do some of the advice on here and I've had a real shock about the way me and my family have been living. I know we're heading for bankruptcy and I feel in shock about it, physically ill. Have tried talking to my OH but he wont commit to anything, gets aggresive and then goes off to work and leaves me to deal with the problems. I am so ashamed I cant talk to anyone about this. I would really appreciate any advice anyone could give me.
We have had a few years now when everything has gone wrong, financially we have made decisions that at the time seemed perfectly reasonable but now I realise the only decision we should have made was not to borrow money at all. 10 years ago we owned our property outright, earned fair money and didnt really think how we spent it. I was forced into ill health retirement a few years ago, my husband lost his business and it has all spiralled from there.
we roughly have the following debt
15000 lloyds credit card
2000 nationwide credit card
18000 barclays loan
10000 nationwide loan
approx 1200 littlewoods
35000 secured loan first plus
268000 mortgage
3000 overdraft barclays
1000 overdraft nationwide

at the moment I just manage to make the payments but for a couple of months now I have been late with three payments. although they are all up to date I know it wont be long before I'm struggling again, just dont know where to start. have sent off for information about bank charges but am unsure if I should go down the route of unenforceability on the lloyds card, had that account since 1983. would really appreciate any advice

Hi

I've never had a mortgage but I've had more personal debt than you've listed so I may be able to steer you in the right direction.

It would be wrong of me to comment on your mortgage as I've not got one but a very good friend of mine has been in a similar position to you and he simply bit the bullet, called his mortgage company and laid himself on their mercy - they were brilliant and didn't want to take his house if they could avoid it.

Back to the personal debt - I'm not sure how far you've come.

You need to start by being honest with your finances - how much do you earn and how much do you pay our (excluding debt repayments).

Work that out (council tax, gas, electric, car costs etc etc) and if you're in employment call PayPlan immediately - that phone call will be the best call you've ever made!

You need to make two calls and your life could change (1) to your mortgage company and (2) to PayPlan.

I'm not expert, I'm not qualified but I've been where you are and it's not pleasant but I assure you there is light at the end of the tunnely and if you make those calls, in 24 hours you will probably be asking "why the hell didn't I do this sooner".

All the best and good luck

dktreesea

Hi Pocketshell,

If you have craft supplies you are wanting to sell, and don't mind doing it online, then I would recommend Amazon rather than Ebay. There's no listing fee, you put what you want to sell at a fixed price and then, if someone buys something, ship it off to them. Poundland sell jiffy bags at around 20p each, so doesn't have to be post office prices for jiffy bags/boxes for the packaging.

If you check on Amazon under Toys and Games, and then choose Arts & Crafts, you could see all the categories and see if there's any stuff there that would match the kind of stock you want to sell.

Gumtree is also a good place to sell stuff, if you don't fancy car booting. A variation on a theme - one way of selling I have quite enjoyed over the years is selling at table sales. You can't take as much to sell because of space, but it's usually only a couple of hours commitment, and the prices you get can be quite reasonable.

Triggles

Pocketshell - I agree with the previous posters that your biggest cut should be your grocery bill first. Meal planning is definitely the way to go! There are tons of great recipes and tips on the Old Style board. Also a couple of tips:

- for meal planning, see what you have in the stock already, then plan around it for the week. If we have mince, a chicken in the freezer, then I plan on spag bol (1/2 pkg mince), chili (1/2 pkg mince), roast chicken, chicken and dumpling soup (chicken carcass and leftover meat) and chicken/mushroom pie (leftover chicken). That's 5 meals right there. Then we always have one "cheap & easy night" which usually consists of beans & toast or eggs and toast. And one night is always "fend for yourself/leftovers" night, where we use up leftovers (sandwiches if chicken leftover, nuked chili if leftover) or have tinned soup or something like that.

- get the kids involved in cooking the meals - tell them what there is available (such as chicken, beef) and let them browse for interesting recipes and help make them - there are tons of recipes on the internet, as well as cookery books. Not only does it give them practice with choosing inexpensive recipes to match the food available, but they get in some cooking practice as well. My DD did this lots - although spag bol does seem to be a personal favourite of hers! :rotfl:

- freeze leftovers in portion sizes, for those nights where you just want to pop something in the microwave and have a fast easy meal. And we tend to have more leftovers to freeze if we pad out our meals with bread/butter.

- if the adult kids are buying meals at lunch (at work or school), they need to pay for the meals themselves. DD was given the option to bring her lunch (obviously paid for by the grocery shop), however, if she chose to purchase a meal, she paid for it herself out of her earned money.

- the adult kids also need to pay for their own clothing and mobiles. For the FT schooler, that probably means a PT job, but even 8 hrs a week on a Saturday won't hurt them!

- are your phones on contract? when we were on contract, we tended to use the phone a lot more simply because we COULD, but when we looked at the usage honestly, it wasn't NEEDED use... we've moved to payg and rarely use our mobiles now. Just mainly have them for emergencies and such.

- look at not only what you're spending on groceries but what you're buying. Impulse buys, snacks, and sodas were big culprits in pushing our grocery budget into orbit. When we use a list and keep to fruit and limit sodas and such, we do much better. Sodas and alcohol are now on a "on sale only" rule here - we only buy them on sale, so if we see a good sale, we'll stock up a bit. Buying basics or store brands also dropped our spend quite a bit.

I also agree your utility bills are a bit high - can something be done to drop those? Unplug things not in use, double up on oven use (pop something in to bake when other things are also cooking so not heating oven up twice), use washing line instead of clothes dryer, energy saver bulbs, water heater on timer, and so on.

Sunnylooloo

Hi PS

sorry a bit of a post n run day for me - but just wanted to pop in and say hi!! I'll catch up on the previous posts at the weekend.

I'm sure you are still getting some great advice and support.

Take care

LL
xx