please help, life has never seemed so bad...

BAILEYS6904

Hi Pocket, just wanted to say well done on posting SOA, think thats the hardest part, especially mentally, means you cant bury head in sand, but you have no idea how much it can help with people suggesting ways of saving.

I think your Groceries would be my first area of focus, can make an instant difference to finances. Do you/can you use own brand items? Also, maybe shop online so you can monitor how much you're spending and do a 'Do I really NEED this', sanity check before pressing pay?

I'm not good with other financial things, but can shop a mean bargain lol. Also, Electricity seems high?

pocketshell

just home, just like to say thank you to all for your help today, I feel so much better just to talk about this. Looking at the comments you've all made has given me much to think on so I'm off to look now at our groceries as this is clearly a major issue. Yes RAS you're spot on about my OH.

pocketshell

Hi everyone
just to say that I've looked on the comparison sites and think I can reduce electric, gas and house insurance, just doing the forms for them. also found a book and started a diary with todays shopping on page one, think I need a good look at what we buy and what we actually need. but the really good news is I've has a long chat to my children which was so helpful and they said they had been so worried about me and wanted to help!!!! we talked about all the things you'd all said and agreed a plan of action so hopefully between us we can start some savings here. feel so much better. still have the overwhelming feeling of the amount of the debt but I've had enough for today, am hopeful I may sleep tonight. thank you

Wee_Jo

Hi pocketshell

Hope you're feeling a little bit better since you took the big step to come on here and talk about it. I think that always gives a bit of relief, and as the old saying goes "a problem shared is a problem halved" - think of how many people who are helping you now!

The SOA is scary, but it does really help as you become aware of what you're spending - the idea of a spending log or diary is a great next step. I have found that keeping a log has helped me SO much as before, like you said, I really wasn't sure where my money went to each day. I would look at my bank balance and feel a bit mystified as to where it had all disappeared to! Now it almost serves as a spending deterrent to me, as I think about the fact that I'll have to write it down before I buy it! It definitely makes it more real!

Once you tackle the big things, such as discussing payments with your loan/mortgage/credit card companies, and reducing your bills as far as you can through direct debit or swapping to lower tariffs (about which there are great articles on the main site) it comes to the fun part of becoming really thrifty! I have found that I really enjoy it now and get a bit of a thrill when I know I am saving myself money even in little ways (such as charging my mobile at work instead of home! Heehee!) They may sound small but they can be quite motivating, because after you do the big things, the small things take on greater importance (because they're the next big things!)

For all of these things the boards and their associated threads have fantastic info and advice (not to mention encouragement) from lots of fab people. People who are going through what you're going through and want to give you support, as well as those who already on "the other side" and are encouraging you through the tough parts to join them :T

Anyway, I hope you are feeling a little brighter this evening. You've made great progress today so sleep tight.

Jo

dancingfairy

Hopefully having the children on board will make a big difference and teach them that money does not grow on tree
Hopefully it will also teach them to shop around and get the most value they can for their money and hopefully stop them getting into troule themselves later on in life.
Good Luck with it all.
df

pocketshell

Hi Jo
thanks so much for your post, I found out lots of stuff on here yesterday and in myself I felt much better, great to talk to people who've actually know what I'm talking about. picking up some good tips, thats a good one charging phone at work!!
had a bit of a setback last night though, was thinking about fact that at some stage soon will have to speak to banks etc and really need my OH support for this, I struggle with bipolar and though I try to be independent I just know that this is going to really panic me out, really need him to help me. I tried to talk to him briefly last night and the shield came straight down, arguing, and it makes me feel hopeless all over again. I know when I go to talk to these people its going to be horrible and I dont know where to start. sorry to go on, wonder would I be better writing to them rather than speaking to them and what to say.....

pocketshell

Hi dancing fairy
thank you for your post. I agree about the children, they are probably going to have a tough time of the next few years with the economy as it is so this wont hurt, you're so right!

DancerSupreme

Hi Pocket,

I had a similar problem with my husband when we started to sort our debt out. He refused to admit and just buried his head in the sand.

In the end I put a big spreadsheet together with everything on it. Current payment rates, debt free dates and budgets. When I had evidence to back up my "argument" he had no come back. He saw the stark facts and I then made him realise that we cannot continue. I did it very calmly and did not corner him to talk at him. He didn't like the idea that he would be nearing his 40's when we got debt free and now we are looking at the prospect of being debt free before he is 30 instead.

Is there anyway he could restart his business on a small scale to bring in some extra cash? I think you need to be quite gentle with him talking about it all. I found it easier with my husband and it was a sore subject because all his debt was from his first very bitter marriage and divorce.

You are on the right track though. Find something to keep you motivated. Maybe write out a "script" for when you talk to your creditors or call national debt line. Set your self small goals each day so you don't get overwhelmed. I have severe depression so appreciate it is hard work but I must say there is nothing more satisfying when you are feeling low than feeling like you are actively making your life better by tackling a sizable problem such as debt.

xxx

pocketshell

Hi gembaxter
that sounds a good idea, thank you for that! my OH is working now, fraction fo the pay he had but its secure and wish he'd accept things as they are because if we got ourselves sorted I would be perfectly happy. I never want the stress of my own business again, just in the process of shutting my own small one down as its been costing us money for a bit, its so tricky to make money atm as there is so little trade unless you're tesco!
sounds great that you will be debt free before youre thirty!! well done ! think you're right about the small goals too, i get so much in my head and it overwhelmes me so I really appreciate that xx

Wee_Jo

Hi again pocketshell,

I find that I get very nervous when it comes to speaking to people on the phone, (I think it comes from one of my first jobs being in a call centre!) and I also have a tendency when I have to meet people and it's about personal things (such as if I ever go to the doctor) that I get a bit flustered and forget what I want to say, or "forget" because I feel I have already talked enough or asked for enough from them. I understand that my nervous-ness is nowhere near as difficult as what you face with having your condition, but what I do find helps is writing a wee list (or a big list!) and just referring to it when you find yourself getting emotional / cross / flustered. This has helped me out in so many cases, from going to the doctors to handing in my resignation at my last job.

In that vein, when it comes to communicating in writing with financial institutions, etc there are loads of templates on the main site that you can use to get your wording spot on and then, if they do contact you after you've sent the letters, you can work from those as mini-scripts / lists as well.

When it comes to talking to your OH about this, I completely agree with Gem, when she said about putting it all down on a big spreadsheet - when things are in black and white it is much harder to ignore them. Perhaps you could combine this with a list of things you need to say. Then, if things get a little uncomfortable or he can't quite deal with it all at once, you can leave the list with him and he can go through it in his time and absorb it at his own pace.

Obviously you know your OH best and I know that I was prone to be somewhat ostrich-like myself about lots of things, but I have found that the very act of pulling myself together and dealing with my finances has changed my attitiude and I am much more proactive, perferring to deal with things (opening letters for example!) as they come up.

Anyway, hope you are having a better day.

Jo