Confused by male friend!

llh189

I am single and have lived in my cottage for three years, couple lived next door, seemingly happy, until November last year, then out of the blue their cottage went up for sale.

Didn't see the wife, but saw the husband, after christmas he gave me a lift in to town and explained that him and his wife were actually splitting up - I was totally shocked.

Up until now the three of us had enjoyed the usual chats when taking our bins out etc, or if one of us took in a parcel.

Fast forward to April, they left their house at the end of Feb and then one night I bumped in to husband (A) in our village and he said he still drinks in our local and I should join him for a drink!

So fast forward again, he goes to the pub three times a week, and is always joined by sister or BIL, over time I get to know them too and we form a little drinking circle, nice chatty evenings in local village pub etc.

But I am totally confused, I have grown a bit of an attraction to A but I can't figure out how he feels about me!

Yes I know it would be easy just to ask him, but I am a bit scared of scaring him off, embarrassing him and me and making things totally awkward and losing my new friendship group that includes his sister.

If I don't go the pub or if I am a little late I always get a text, next week our little drinking circle are going out for A's birthday, there will be 8 of u, all couples except A and I. He has said that I can stay at his at he lives in next village, practically next door to the curry house.

A is in his early 40's and his wife and him have a disable child (just a year old) and she left him for another man who was one of A's best friends and is in his early 50's - total mess of a situation, A was and still is devastated.

Three weeks a go after a few too many pints when he and his BIL (who was designated driver dropped me home) A tried to kiss me, proper snogging like - not usual peck goodbye! I was very aware that BIL was totally sober, so didn't let it happen and brushed it off.

I think if A's wife said that she had made a mistake, he go running back, trying all the while to forgive her.

The next night after attempted snog he text that he thought he owed me an apology, I said I didn't agree but asked why he felt he did. He totally ignored my question and just said thanks for making him feel better. Things were totally cool when we saw each other and it hasn't been mentioned since.

I guess I am looking for some advice - I can't understand why he keeps inviting me to the pub, it isn't like he is there on his own, there are normally 5 or so people in our little circle. We get on really well and one guy in the group won't leave it go about A and I getting it on, he always goes to far with his jokes but A and I just laugh it up or play along. A isn't at all embarrassed and not once have I heard him deny it or tell this other guy to be quiet.

Last week he said I could call in anytime in an emergency and that he'd be happy to be my middle of the night person, as my BF lives 150 miles and away and my parents live in Spain.

He is fairly quite and according to his sister is a proper grown up when it comes to relationships - doesn't do friends with benefits if you see what I mean.

My intuition sometimes says he likes me, old adage that men and women are never just friends etc, but he is reluctant to see me outside of the pub circle. I am totally aware that he is heart broken and that 6 months is no time at all if you have been totally hurt but I now don't know how to handle this now, I don't want to stop seeing him but I hate being single, seeing A every Friday is not helping me to meet anyone else. And my attraction is just getting worse.

Sorry, for long rambly post, that contains no real questions but any thoughts!

PasturesNew

Rule 1: Don't p00 on your own doorstep.

He doesn't sound very interested .... and it would be easy to turn into a "handy sh4g" for him, with you being left behind when he 'got something better' ... to queer your own pitch, in your own small community would be madness I'd say.

It sounds to me like he's the nearest/eligible bloke ... and maybe you've got lazy too and have been seduced by how easy/handy it would be if he made a move.

I'd forget it.

P.S. Not that I know anything about blokes .... I'm an old spinster

Dee123_2

I started off reading thinking you didn't know if he liked you and ended it understanding you're not sure if he's ready for a relationship.

What you need is an intermediary. Of all the other people you've mentioned, can you confide in any of them?

I know it would be better for you to be direct with him but sounding him out through someone else might lessen the risk of losing his friendship.

llh189

Dee123, I did try to confide in his sister but obviously being his sister, she was reluctant to get overly involved and she was concerned that he was too hurt by wife to be thinking straight about moving on.

His sister did say that he'd never hurt or use me, A) because he isn't that type - at 42 has only had two longtermers no flings, one nights stands etc and because he values me too me.

The others in the group are too boys together types for me to be able to confide in them.

I am now dreading his birthday meal - what a mess.

Pasturesnew - thanks for your point of view, I don't think I have become lazy about meeting someone - scared yes but not lazy, he is my type but by no means easy, two ex wives, three children, bit broken emotionally and 7 years older than me - blimey - it's a wonder I like him at all, LOL.

I get the small village thing though but A is a proper grown up and not at all involved in the gossip scene!

Lara44

How come you're wondering if he likes you when he tried to give you a full on kiss?! Sounds as if he does, but he's a bit all over the place at the moment. 6 months is no time at all and you don't want to be the 'rebound' person.

Having said that, there's no reason you shouldn't make some time for the two of you and see how it goes. Why don't you ask him to dinner? Start off being just friends but without the others, see if anything develops. You will be able to tell if he is flirting or not. If he gets funny you can deny it's a date and say its just a 'friend' thing. If it goes well then perhaps something will grow in the next few months. At the very least you will get to know him better and be able to judge if he's ready for another relationship.

Good luck!

Wilma33

llh189 wrote: »

I am single...

llh189 wrote: »

Last week he said I could call in anytime in an emergency and that he'd be happy to be my middle of the night person, as my BF lives 150 miles and away and my parents live in Spain.

Are you single or do you have a boyfriend? I'm confused.

Edit: Ahhh, does BF = best friend rather than boyfriend? Ignore me!

llh189

Sorry Wilma I did mean best friend - sorry I wasn't overly clear!

DVardysShadow

Avoid. No good can come of it. It's the rebound and it is all too local and too soon and he has not had time to get his head sorted after the split. You could look at it differently if you bumped into him 2 years down the line and then your story above started to unfold.

Give your apologies for his birthday - that is nothing which cannot be undone - but it may set a handy bit of distance in place which is what you need, because you are not the least bit clear about this really[STRIKE] - plus you have a BF any way[/STRIKE]

GF = Good Friend I suppose

meritaten

I think you are making too much of this. YOU fancy him and quite frankly, I think he was feeling randy and you were handy!!
I think you know this, that is why you posted.
I would back off for now - get myself a life and put this guy out of my social orbit. See what happens in a few months. If he really has feelings for you then six months or a year later you will know its YOU and not just that he is lonely or not had any for a while!
Hard to do I know - but better than him using you to assuage HIS loneliness.

ailuro2

I'd leave it till Christmas.

Remain friends.

If he ever tries to kiss you when you're both sober that's a different matter, but as it was he was drunk....

p.s. do you want to be with someone who drinks that much??;)

esmf73

Personally I'd go to the Birthday meal and be friendly and open as you are normally by the sound of it. Think how you'd react if someone was telling you this about a friend of theirs. BUT equally I'd also invest time in getting to know other groups of people - so that you're not always there when he would like you to be. That way, if he does like you, he has to make an effort so then you'll be more aware of it, but also if he doesn't like you, you won't have put all your eggs in one basket.

Some men seem to like a bit of mystery, so you not being available all the time or talking about a different topic might be all it takes. Perhaps he needs to realise that you're attractive to other men in order to make a move. Alternatively, he might not be interested, but you might find a wonderful partner.

Best of luck x