Real Life MMD: Should I tell on the little girl shoplifter?

seafireroad

hi
yes, i think you should have said something. it is difficult i know, but i would have had a discreet word in the mum.s ear, because theft is theft after all.when my boys were young, we warned them about stealing, and about peer pressure as they got older, and i always said that if i found they had stolen anything, i would take them to the shop / police myself.

WickedAunt

I've been in a similar situation a couple of times and have plucked up the courage to tell the mother.
The first mother was upset and had strong words with the child.
The second - her child was taking sweets from a supermarket 'pick and mix' and eating them - was furious. I suspect the fury was because I'd seen her child stealing rather than because she thought theft was wrong.

spendthepennies

In the past we had occasional issues with my 6 year old son picking up candy and putting in his pocket. I thought by my vigilance in discreetly telling him off (as opposed to a very loud and obvious Name and Shame) and always making him return the candy or paying for it (but not letting him have it) had curbed his behavior but I was wrong.

I was in one of the larger CoOperative supermarkets last week with my 4 year old and 6 year old. I almost never shop there but was in the area at the time. I had only purchased £15 worth of groceries but that was quite enough to bag up and pay for while chatting with the cashier about the loyalty scheme and failing miserably keeping my "little angels" at bay. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that my six year old was acting shifty near a bin of Snicker's bars and I brought him towards me. I noticed a buldge in his pocket and sure enough - a whole snicker's bar! I was furious and mortified at the same time. I confronted him and he tried denying it. I wanted to reach in his pocket and wrench it out but held back the urge. The cashier politely but firmly explained to my son that it was wrong to take things without paying and also mentioned that I could be held legally responsible if he were to steal. She told him that he will have been filmed on CCTV and the Security Guard would be watching. He eventually relented and handed it over to the cashier. The scene was embarrassing and there were 2 men queued up behind me waiting to pay - I felt guilty for holding them up to confront my son. After we left the store I made clear to my son how disappointed I was with him and we drove home in silence. When we got home I rang my husband who was at work and explained what happened and got him to speak to my son to reinforce the message that the behavior is unacceptable and we are disappointed. Then I sent my son to bed (it was just after 7PM so not unsensibly early for bed for a 6 year old.) He threw a tantrum and cried to try and get my attention which I ignored - it wasn't easy. Then I had a conversation with my 4 year old about it being wrong to put candy in your pocket without paying for it which she seemed to understand perfectly well. My husband spoke to my son about it the next day as a follow up. I really hope the message got through. My hope is that I'm not making a more sneaky criminal but that the behavior will stop. The only thing I can do is keep monitoring the situation.

As for pocket money - I wouldn't mind my kids using it to buy a toy but don't think pocket money should be used for sweets - Maybe when they are a bit older 8 or 9. Nor do I think a child is entitled to a sweet just because they accompanied a parent to the supermarket. I know that the thought of a sweet can be incentive for children to behave but feel that children should instead behave as a matter of course.

If anyone told me either of my children has pocketed something I would not be suprised but would probably not be in a mood for showing my appreciation for being told it at the time. I would definitly want to know.

emuratty

Most 4 year olds would know this was wrong, but that doesnt necessarily stop them doing it - all children are naughty at times.

As a responsible parent you need to teach your children right from wrong, and how to obey the rules!

When my son was just 4 we were getting some "pick and mix" in a sweet shop and he put one in his mouth before we had paid for them. I totally embarassed him by making him spit it out and apologise to the shop assistant. It worked as he never did it again.

A bug bear of mine is when you see children in shopping trolleys merry chomping on something which hasnt yet been paid for. Is this not teaching your child that they can just pick something up off the shelf and eat it? I always make my children wait until we've paid. After all, they're not going to starve in the space of half an hour while you're shopping - if you want to keep them quiet while you shop take a small toy they can play with, or better still get them to "help" with the shopping by choosing or holding items, putting them on the conveyor etc. Slightly older children can even have their own shopping list (with pictures if they can't read yet).

On a similar note, when picking up a cheap doll in the sale at Asda for my 18 month old, even though she was screaming the shop down because she couldnt get it out of the box, I made her wait until we had paid for it before we opened it. Got a few glaring looks from other shoppers, but I am determined to teach my kids right from wrong - it's not yours unless you have paid for it !!!!

*Louise*

I would have quietly mentioned it to the mother and left her to deal with it.

My daughter took something once - she was only 15mths though, I was in H.Samuel and they had opened the cabinet to let me see the bracelets - my DD was in the buggy and swiped a box set from the lower level. Of course I spotted her and put it back, and it gave everyone a chuckle. :rotfl:We nicknamed her Magpie after that lol

Little kids only learn when they are taught - sometimes they need to make the mistake in order to learn from it.

Fitzmichael

I would tell the parent and expect them to explain that it is wrong and why, in an appropriate way, certainly not to punish the child, who knows no better.
It is disturbing to see how many mention the possibility of a hostile reaction, but I wonder if there is any evidence that a significant proportion of parents would react this way. I'm nearly 70 and would certainly not have expected it when my children were that age. Rather, I would have expected a shame-faced reaction, even from dishonest parents.
My 8-year old came home with a £10 note she'd found on the way home from school. She'd looked round to see if there was someone nearby (she realised it couldn't have been there for long) but there wasn't, and she asked what she should do - she had clearly realised she wasn't entitled to keep it. I praised her, saying it could be a whole week's pension for an old person, and we took it to the Police Station (in those days you always knew where one was). The desk sergeant also told her what a good girl she was and that she could have it back if no-one claimed it, and she was thrilled to reclaim it 3 months later, and to make a contribution from it to a fund for the children of a twinned parish in Africa.
10 years later, I was surprised to hear one of my 18 year old students -"nice" youngsters from "nice" families - make a remark that suggested she had shoplifted something, and I reacted with disapproving incredulity. "But everyone does it," she replied, amid silent apparent agreement. "My children don't," I said (they knew I had daughters their age). "Are you sure?" "I certainly am, and if you ever discussed the subject with them, they'd tell you what reaction they'd get from me." They looked at each other with expressions I couldn't divine, then down at their books, and we got on with our work.
I wonder what the situation is now, another 20 years on.

Dawni

I'd tell the mum and leave it up to her what action to take. The fact that the little girl slipped the bar of chocolate into her pocket seems to point to her knowing that she had to hide it, otherwise why not just carry it in her hand out of the shop?

I don't think a mum in that situation would want to clobber the person who tells her; she may be embarrassed but I imagine she'd want to return the chocolate or pay for it. I don't think most people want their children shop-lifting, knowing that if the habit continues as their offspring get older they could well end up with a visit from the police. Children need to be taught not to steal (and shoplifting is just another term for stealing) - this could be a good opportunity for the mum to reinforce the lesson that stealing is wrong.

MikeL28

PennyPinchUK wrote, quite rightly:

• Where's the dilemma here? Simply, approach the parent and quietly tell them what you saw. The 4-year old girl is too young to understand that level of right and wrong, and it's the parent's responsibility to start that process of teaching them. A responsible parent would understand the importance of teaching the child what is right and wrong. A responsible parent would demonstrate it by returning the stolen sweets. If the parent doesn't chastise the girl you know there's trouble ahead, and in 18 years the little girl will become a real life walking crime statistic because she wasn't taught right and wrong by their parent.
• Absolutely! except not "chastise" - 'reprimand, explain and educate' are what's needed in this situation.