My Mother

ANDuff

VfM4meplse wrote: »

This is tough advice to hear but you're in no position to have a free choice in your living arrangements until you can fund yourself. I would rather be beholden to my parents (which I was when I was your age and at University) than a man. Learn to compromise until such point that you can pay for your lifestyle in it's entirely.

I could fund myself completely, but so far they have said to me, "oh no you cant spend your savings on a house its just a waste." AND "oh no you cant come out of university in debt" both of which i have gone at my parents for. Its my money and its my debt so i have no problem with funding

mountainofdebt

Although I wouldn't put as bluntly as kutsu, the sentiment would be the same.

What do YOU want? DO you want to be tied to your mum forever or do you want to become an independant person.

Yes most students do come home during holidays, but I woudl argue that's only where they are living in University accomodation and so have no choice in coming home........I know when I was at University, I would spend a couple of weeks at home but tbh it was more like a holiday than going back home, if that makes sense.

Your family are not going to hate you - perhaps they will miss you and not having you around (bear in mind its a big change for them as well) but all sides in this needs to get a grip.

ScarletBea

The sharpcut is better than the small steps, in your case.
Gives your mum more time to get used to the idea, while if you do it in a half baked way, she'll always be thinking you might change your mind.

Good luck!

(is there a little bit of homophobia on your mum's side as well?)

4743hudsonj

May i suggest a student loan and grant? That way you could fund yourself without chipping into savings until such a point where you are fit to pay it.

hoyles10

If I were you i'd move out now. You want to move out, have somewhere to go and someone to live with and you can fund the rent. If you don't move out now then in however long it is until you're ready to move again be it 6 months or 6 years you'll be going through all this again with your mum.

At the end of the day it's not like you're never going to see your parents again and your mum should realise that.

Good luck in what ever decision you make but if I were you i'd pack what I need and move in with your partner tomorrow

RadoJo

ANDuff wrote: »

I didn't properly unpack, I just changed what I was bringing really, it just means i can do it more in stages, hopefully keeping my mother slightly happier, also giving me something to do when im here slightly longer than i ultimately don't want to be stuck here. Its all swings and roundabouts with my mother, sometimes its all "oh take the car move your stuff" other times its "i don't want you there spending your money when you could be at home." Believe me she just puts a huge drain on my life.

Then go, and let her sort out her control issues without you there to bear the brunt of it. I don't see why you would want to do it in stages or go back to your parents' house at weekends anyway if you're moving in with your partner, particularly not to pander to your mother's demands. If you want to be out of the house (and believe me, I know that feeling) then do it - the chances are your relationship with your mother will actually improve once you're not under the same roof, and at least you won't have to hear her views on every decision you make if you're not there!

VfM4meplse

ANDuff wrote: »

I could fund myself completely, but so far they have said to me, "oh no you cant spend your savings on a house its just a waste." AND "oh no you cant come out of university in debt" both of which i have gone at my parents for. Its my money and its my debt so i have no problem with funding

It does in that case sound as though your parents have control issues, they are probably scared of losing you.

pandora205

Why are you only moving out during the week when you are moving in with a partner? Most couples would want to be together during the weekends too. It sounds like you need to be firm and clear (and not give mixed messages by unpacking when your mother protests). Don't keep explaining and arguing, just be assertive and move out.

It is natural that your mother will miss you but it is not healthy to cling. You mention that you run errands in the car - Is it hers? Are you planning to take this with you? Will this leave her stranded? Does she have other issues that would explain why you leaving would be particularly difficult (disability/mental health etc.)?

It's time to make a decision and just go. If your parents are funding your fees they are being generous and you should be grateful but this doesn't mean you can't make your own decisions.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

You will actually find when you swallow your pride a little and check your facts that the majority of students do go home for holidays. Hence the being covered by the parents' TV licence, insurance, the arrangements for medical treatment, electoral law, benefits rules and the cliches about bringing back the washing.

Making a cup of tea or picking up a younger sibling doesn't sound too much to ask of a teenager, especially if they have been able to manage University without a loan as a result of the support of the people wanting the tea.

The way you have written it could make it sound like you're throwing a hissy because you're expected to contribute physically to the household rather than financially when you would rather be cosying up with the BF/GF.

There is also the concern that you are paying someone else's rent for them without being part of the lease, which could be a worry for any good parent.

However, with such lovely comments as your mother being too lazy to make a cuppa and living in a prison (it would be hard to find a partner when confined to a bedroom, by the way) it may be better for your parents in the long run if you do disappear off into the sunset for a couple of months.

The person you move in with at 19 is very unlikely to be the person you end up spending the rest of your life with and your parents know this, particularly as you appear to be doing the stomping of the feet associated with someone not ready for a full time permanent relationship.

A partner expects more of your time than a cup of tea and a sibling picked up from an after school club.

A partner will expect you to cook, clean, vacuum, do the washing up, get the shopping on the way home from University, empty the bins and scrub the toilet without being asked, pay for a fair share of the food bill, check in with them whenever you were thinking of not being at home straight after tutorials finish.

Oh, and the partner's income will be taken into account when determining whether you are eligible for any funding. As a partner is someone you are married to or live with in a manner as you would if you were married to them.

A partner that expects to see you all of the time (as is suggested by your post - whether the partner is your BF/GF or you is irrelevant) is far more of a dictatorship than an overprotective parent.

As your parents are reluctant both for you to be saddled with debt and for you to be tied up with a house, it actually sounds to me that they are keen for you to have an opportunity for travel and proper freedom once you graduate. Not possible if the BF/GF has a permanent job and flat to maintain.

But if you are determined to swap the confines of a family for the even stricter confines of a permanent one-two-one exclusive relationship, before even living for yourself a teeny bit, you had best go.

And if you want to know what being a virtual prisoner is really like, have a look at the domestic violence charities' websites and maybe you will stop being quite so melodramatic.

Sadly, despite your parents' best wishes for you, I suspect you will have thrown it all their faces and they may find out that it is actually nicer for them and your brother once you are not around, pulling faces and gasping about living in a dictatorship.

But if you won't listen to your parents, you're certainly not going to listen to anyone here who doesn't agree with you 100%.

poet123

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

You will actually find when you swallow your pride a little and check your facts that the majority of students do go home for holidays. Hence the being covered by the parents' TV licence, insurance, the arrangements for medical treatment, electoral law, benefits rules and the cliches about bringing back the washing.

Making a cup of tea or picking up a younger sibling doesn't sound too much to ask of a teenager, especially if they have been able to manage University without a loan as a result of the support of the people wanting the tea.

The way you have written it could make it sound like you're throwing a hissy because you're expected to contribute physically to the household rather than financially when you would rather be cosying up with the BF/GF.

There is also the concern that you are paying someone else's rent for them without being part of the lease, which could be a worry for any good parent.

However, with such lovely comments as your mother being too lazy to make a cuppa and living in a prison (it would be hard to find a partner when confined to a bedroom, by the way) it may be better for your parents in the long run if you do disappear off into the sunset for a couple of months.

The person you move in with at 19 is very unlikely to be the person you end up spending the rest of your life with and your parents know this, particularly as you appear to be doing the stomping of the feet associated with someone not ready for a full time permanent relationship.

A partner expects more of your time than a cup of tea and a sibling picked up from an after school club.

A partner will expect you to cook, clean, vacuum, do the washing up, get the shopping on the way home from University, empty the bins and scrub the toilet without being asked, pay for a fair share of the food bill, check in with them whenever you were thinking of not being at home straight after tutorials finish.

Oh, and the partner's income will be taken into account when determining whether you are eligible for any funding. As a partner is someone you are married to or live with in a manner as you would if you were married to them.

A partner that expects to see you all of the time (as is suggested by your post - whether the partner is your BF/GF or you is irrelevant) is far more of a dictatorship than an overprotective parent.

As your parents are reluctant both for you to be saddled with debt and for you to be tied up with a house, it actually sounds to me that they are keen for you to have an opportunity for travel and proper freedom once you graduate. Not possible if the BF/GF has a permanent job and flat to maintain.

But if you are determined to swap the confines of a family for the even stricter confines of a permanent one-two-one exclusive relationship, before even living for yourself a teeny bit, you had best go.

And if you want to know what being a virtual prisoner is really like, have a look at the domestic violence charities' websites and maybe you will stop being quite so melodramatic.

Sadly, despite your parents' best wishes for you, I suspect you will have thrown it all their faces and they may find out that it is actually nicer for them and your brother once you are not around, pulling faces and gasping about living in a dictatorship.

But if you won't listen to your parents, you're certainly not going to listen to anyone here who doesn't agree with you 100%.

:T:T:T I suspect the OP has a real rude awakenig coming if he thinks that his life will be easier:D