My Mother

ANDuff

So I have finally rented a house and I am due to move in tomorrow. I'm 19 nearly 20. I am moving into this house to be with my partner and to be nearer my University.

Of course my mother has now decided that (the night before i move is when she has decided to tell me this) that most students obviously come home during holidays, (which they don't but try telling her that) and that I should only stay there a few days a week and come home the rest because it will be costing too much money.

My partner works full time and has said that they will pay for food and heat and electric etc, I have told her this, and that the only thing I have to pay is £300 a month, (£15 more than half the rent) and I'm going to be paying this if I'm there or not, I really don't want to be paying for somewhere I'm not living in!!

I had everything packed and ready to go but now I've unpacked a lot of it cause I don't want to be moving it if I'm not going to be there all the time. I would still be home at weekends anyway and she knows this, but that doesn't seem to be enough.

I just really want out of this dictatorship that I'm living in, for at least 5 nights a week and I really am out of ideas to express this to her.

If I don't get to live in my flat and my partner is there on their own, it will really make them unhappy and I don't want my Mother to be the cause of that... again. She has already put a strain on my relationship with them before but thankfully we have made it through it and now when I actually could see them all the time, its still like shes trying to put a strain on it.

I just want out of this house so badly, and I know I'm getting out tomorrow but it doesn't feel like it, currently it still feels like I'm under house arrest.

I really just want to move all my stuff within the next 2 weeks and be able to be happy. I don't want these big barriers placed on my life. And I know people will say but your 19 you can do what I like, and yes I know I can, but I don't want to have a family that hates me.

Thanks if you've taken the time to read my rant, i just feel so :mad: at present. Any responses would be much appreciated.

...

I would like to add some of this isn't exactly how I have meant it, well the unpacking really, it was more of a changing what im bringing on the first run rather than a complete unpacking, im just not very good at putting whats in my head onto paper when i get like that. But basically i think I know what i need to do. Thanks for your help all.

ANDuff

jdturk wrote: »

What I learnt from Uni amongst other things is that the vast majority of people goto their local university and thus stay at home for the three/four years!

If you move out and ONLY come back at weekends then your mum will get the message

A lot of people at my university that are local move out also after first year if not for first year, this is after my first year.

And I want to ONLY come back at weekends, but its not that simple with her, shes turning it into a whole big expensive thing that she isn't going to give over about

Bamber19

Is your mother involved in funding this at all?

She's probably just finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that you're actually moving out and grown up and is looking for an excuse to keep you there.

ANDuff

Bamber19 wrote: »

Is your mother involved in funding this at all?

She's probably just finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that you're actually moving out and grown up and is looking for an excuse to keep you there.

Nope, not in the slightest, my parents are paying for my tuition fees, but I'm paying for my flat, i will also be getting a student loan that covers the cost of the rent. I think an excuse is part of it, cause she knows when I leave I wont be able to do stuff for her when she demands it like making her cups of tea or driving her places or picking up my brother, all when she is too lazy to do it herself

gravitytolls

you're in the wrong place ~ you need to be in marriage, relationships and families.

Maybe you should show your mum your posts, when she know what you think of her, she'll not want you back at all! You never know, if you're lucky she'll not pay your tuition fees either, then you can be all properly grown up and standing on your own two feet.

valos_mummy

Move. Go live with your partner, and tell her you'll be back at the weekends. End of. Agree with Bamber, sounds like she is having a problem letting go and looking for reasons to keep you at home. You just need to make it clear to her, so spell it out. You are going to be moving and that is that. And because you are paying whether you stay there or not, you need to get your money's worth. It would only be a waste of money if you stayed there for a couple of nights each week then went back home!

When I went to uni I only ever came home at Christmas and for the summer holidays. It was a good 4 hour drive so going home every weekend obviously not doable....but uni is for a lot of people, when you first start to gain your independence and do things for yourself. And that's an important stage in life IMO.

If she's that difficult, maybe start off with 4 days in the flat and 3 with her, then move it onto a 5 day/2 day split after a while. Apron strings are sometimes a little hard to cut; I know my mom cried quite a bit when the parents first dropped me off at uni bless her, but there's no way she would have let her upset get in the way of me living my life.

RadoJo

I don't understand the problem - you want to move out, and you're about to move out, yet one comment from your mother and you've unpacked your stuff as though what she's said is an inevitability? It sounds as though you're looking for reasons to not go through with the move and lay the blame at your mother's door, otherwise I can't imagine why you would let your mother's suggestion force you into changing your mind. She can't make you come home if you don't want to, so why are you saying 'I had everything packed and ready to go but now I've unpacked a lot of it cause I don't want to be moving it if I'm not going to be there all the time.'
I never went home for more than the odd night at Christmas, when I was at university, and managed financially without any trouble. If you want to move out, then do it. If your mother hates you for doing what every child does, then what have you lost?

soolin

jdturk wrote: »

What I learnt from Uni amongst other things is that the vast majority of people goto their local university and thus stay at home for the three/four years!

If you move out and ONLY come back at weekends then your mum will get the message

The various uni's my sons go to are quite the opposite, virtually no one lives at home.

My eldest would come home approx twice a month for a couple of days, the middle one much less so, I rarely see him as he has a life now in his uni town and is working there full time during all the holidays. My youngest plans to do the same. None of them are further than 90 minutes away, so it isn't as though they are half way across the country. They phone a lot and we use email as well so I am always in touch with them. What is nice as well sometimes is that I often drive down for the day, have lunch make sure they are OK and just drive home again. They seem to like that as they can show me 'their' life. Maybe you could suggest that to your mum?

Most of my friends are the same, they see their children very occasionally.

OP you need to be brave here, reassure your mum you will go home at x times until you get settled, however once you have a proper life there, and maybe even a part time job you can just make the gaps between visits longer and longer.

kutsu119

Grow some balls, junior.

VfM4meplse

This is tough advice to hear but you're in no position to have a free choice in your living arrangements until you can fund yourself. I would rather be beholden to my parents (which I was when I was your age and at University) than a man. Learn to compromise until such point that you can pay for your lifestyle in it's entirely.

ANDuff

RadoJo wrote: »

I don't understand the problem - you want to move out, and you're about to move out, yet one comment from your mother and you've unpacked your stuff as though what she's said is an inevitability? It sounds as though you're looking for reasons to not go through with the move and lay the blame at your mother's door, otherwise I can't imagine why you would let your mother's suggestion force you into changing your mind. She can't make you come home if you don't want to, so why are you saying 'I had everything packed and ready to go but now I've unpacked a lot of it cause I don't want to be moving it if I'm not going to be there all the time.'
I never went home for more than the odd night at Christmas, when I was at university, and managed financially without any trouble. If you want to move out, then do it. If your mother hates you for doing what every child does, then what have you lost?

I didn't properly unpack, I just changed what I was bringing really, it just means i can do it more in stages, hopefully keeping my mother slightly happier, also giving me something to do when im here slightly longer than i ultimately don't want to be stuck here. Its all swings and roundabouts with my mother, sometimes its all "oh take the car move your stuff" other times its "i don't want you there spending your money when you could be at home." Believe me she just puts a huge drain on my life.